


Rey: A Tale of Obsession

by MalevolentReverie



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Adult Content, Age Difference, Alternate Universe, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Ben Obsessed With Rey, Ben Raises Rey, Captivity, Controlling Ben, DON'T GET UR ANTI-PANTIES IN A BUNCH, Darkfic, Dominant Kylo Ren, Dubious Consent, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, How Many Times Can I Warn You, Jakku, Jedi Ben Solo, Jedi Rey, Jedi Training, Kidnapping, Mild Blood, Nothing happens until Rey is 16, Possessive Behavior, Possessive Ben, Punishment, Slow Burn, Sweet Baby Rey, Underage Kissing, Which is the age of consent, Young Ben Solo, bye
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-03-17 16:33:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 27
Words: 63,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13662921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MalevolentReverie/pseuds/MalevolentReverie
Summary: Rey is a strange child on Jakku with a stranger bond to Ben Solo. She slowly learns to understand it as she grows up alongside him and Ben has to resist the increasing urge to encroach into dangerous territory with his counterpart in the Force. Nothing of substance happens until Rey is 16.





	1. “Hope” is the thing with feathers -

**Author's Note:**

> This is a darkfic. Ben will be sweet, but twisted, and obsessive and possessive and controlling. Nothing happens until Rey is 16 which is the age of consent in a lot of countries, anyway. I'm changing the title from "Reylita" because this is nothing like Lolita but antis feel free to keep tagging #reylita!

We met when I was a 12-year-old scavenger on Jakku.

I could still remember that day. It was oddly hot, even for the hellish wasteland where I’d been dumped by my parents. Unkar Plutt had given me half the portions for the same amount of scraps and I was shuffling out of Niima Outpost to cry alone in my gutted Rebel ship. I’d wait for my parents forever, no matter what they did to me.

I shuffled through the thick sand, fingering the plastic casing on my portion, and swallowed hard. The saliva did nothing for me. My throat was as dry as the air slipping into my lungs.

 “I felt a presence, uncle. It’s here.”

Through the jangling of product and different languages, I heard his voice. I blinked and looked around, turning in small circles. _It’s here._ The more I thought of it, the more I felt. An awakening.

My eyes fell upon a tall man in a hood standing beside another man. They were dressed in black and white, respectively, and I saw the glint of metal on their hips. My thoughts spun, and my head tingled, and I had a weird urge to walk towards them. But should I? I’d learned long ago that approaching strangers wasn’t a good idea… But they seemed… safe.

I rubbed my skinny arms and watched them tentatively. Aliens drifted by, chatting, and I tried to hide in the shadows like usual.

The shorter man turned again. “I feel nothing. Are you positive, Ben?”

 “Yes—it was like a pulse of light. My counterpart is somewhere…” The tall man, Ben, ran a hand through shoulder-length black hair. “I can feel it.”

His face was hard to see, but he was a human, as was the other man. They kept looking around and the dark-eyed man, Ben, finally noticed me clinging to a pole in the shadows.

His breath caught and so did mine. My buzzing mind snapped and widened and I suddenly became aware of something big and confusing and coursing through my veins. I sank closer to the pole and considered running away, terrified by the emotions I felt. Who were these people?

The other man turned. He glanced up at Ben and smiled at me.

 “Hello!” he called. “What’s your name?”

I was terrified. I shook my head and turned and darted off into the desert.

They immediately ran after me and I heard a humming noise in the air. I glanced over my shoulder and squeaked in terror when I saw two glimmering swords, buzzing with heat and something else.

 “Please stop!” called Ben, the taller man.

I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. I clung to my ration and held back tears, valuable water, and hoped I’d reach my ship before either of them could—

Tingling heat jolted up my legs and I was abruptly stopped with a scatter of sand in the desert. I panted in fear as my arms yanked behind my bank and looked around in terror. Oh no. What was happening to me? How was I supposed to escape without offering a favor to Plutt and—

 “Not appropriate!” snapped the second man. “She’s a child, Ben!”

I was frozen in place, hugging my portion. I watched in terror as the men circled to the front of me and slipped back their hoods.

Ben was very tall, with shoulder-length black hair and dark brown eyes. He had an interesting face. The other man was shorter with greyish hair and a full beard and he looked annoyed.

 “This is her.” Ben nodded, swallowing hard. “But she’s so young, Uncle Luke. Why?”

All I wanted to do was get my staff and run away. Tears burned in my eyes as Luke shrugged.

 “Finding your counterpart is already extremely rare.” Luke stepped closer and smiled. “Hello, little one. My name is Luke Skywalker, and this is my nephew, Ben Solo. I understand your trepidation, but we mean you no harm. We’d like to bring you to the Jedi Academy, where you’ll be safe and well-fed, and Ben will protect you.”

My body defrosted and I staggered back in fear, clutching my food. Ben eyed me with mixed curiosity and something my young mind didn’t comprehend. I glanced between the two hulking giants in fear. It had been years since I last saw another human.

Ben knelt down in the sand. “Can you tell me your name, little one?”

I shook my head fiercely. Luke smirked and glanced at his nephew and knelt beside him.

 “She’s certainly your counterpart,” Luke said. “So nervous, from nothing.” He offered me his calloused hand. “Are you hungry?”

I nodded. Ben shifted closer, dark eyes drinking me in. The tension in my mind waxed and I flinched.

 “I’ll feed you,” Ben murmured. “No more rations. Whatever you please, whenever you want it.” He crept closer on his knees and I saw his throat bob. “Please, little one. Tell me your name?”

Trusting strangers wasn’t in my nature. I watched Luke and Ben, highly suspicious, clinging to my sole means of survival. Mom and dad would come back for me soon.

 “Rey,” I mumbled. “My name is Rey.”

 “Hello, Rey.” Ben had a deep, musical voice. I found myself drawn to him. “I’m sorry I made you stop, but I was worried you’d disappear. Did I hurt you?”

I pressed my quivering lips together and nodded. Luke stood up, seeming highly distressed by my admission, but Ben just crept closer. I stared into his dark, hypnotic eyes, running my dirty nails over my portion. I had to stay. Mom and dad would be home soon.

Ben smiled. “It’s an ability I have—so do you. I can show you, Rey, and feed you, and keep you safe.”

 “But… my parents…”

 “I’ll hear of it if they come back for you.” He cleared his throat and reached out a big hand to me, tentative. “They would want you to be safe, Rey. And your belly full of warm food. I won’t hurt you again, if you promise to listen to me when we talk. What do you think, little one?”

It had been an especially hard day on Jakku. I glanced between the two men and still felt the tug towards Ben. He smiled and extended his long fingers further, and I rested my tiny fingers over his palm. The curiosity shifted; twisting. I felt something more. It was so confusing.

Luke turned away. “We should wait, Ben—until she’s older.”

Ben’s dark brown eyes studied mine and he shook his head, refusing to look away. “No. I’ll love her. I’ll give her whatever she needs. I have to.”

 “…Be careful, Ben. This is a rare occurrence, and it’s powerful.”

I watched Ben stand up and he clasped my little hand in his. He brushed my strands of sand-encrusted hair and I saw his throat bob again. I didn’t know why, but I wanted to be closer. I stretched my skinny arms up and Ben scooped me into his arms, squeezing me in the tight, warm embrace I’d always wanted. He smelled like trees and salt and water.

 “You’re mine,” Ben whispered into my ear. “I’ll never let you go, Rey.”


	2. That perches in the soul -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yey glad you guys like it! i tend to update fast; I post chapters when they're done and don't hold onto them or update on certain days. i mostly write for myself so i just post them as they come to share with others :) i also don't have a flowery writing style, don't like big paragraphs, because i know i skim that shit when i read stories lmfao. i don't try to pad the word count with useless things
> 
> also please let me know if you find grammatical errors or spelling mistakes!! i won't be offended

I’d never been on a real ship before. I practiced flying on the remaining simulators I found across Jakku, but that was it. Ben carried me into the _Falcon_ and I stared anxiously at the retreating sand. Mom and dad would ask about me, and I’d be back. I’d tell them I went to food and safety. They would understand why I couldn’t wait forever in my gutted Rebel ship.

His embrace was warm and soft and he smelled like home. I nuzzled under his chin and felt the pulse again; the strange sensation that was always under the surface. Ben murmured to his Uncle Luke and brought me down a long hallway. I was afraid but elated. I squeezed my skinny arms around his neck.

The _Falcon_ smelled like oil and steel. Ben opened a door and slipped inside with me curled around him, then leaned into the shower to start the water. I blinked and risked looking away from his neck to see water cascading from the showerhead. I’d only ever seen sonic showers, and those were rare.

He smoothed my hair back. “Ah—want to shower now, or wait?”

I squirmed out of his grasp and my calloused feet touched the cold floor. Ben towered over me and looked away as I began peeling off my sandy clothes. I’d never miss an opportunity for a shower.

 “Mom and dad need to know where I am,” I said, touching the water to check the temperature.

 “…I know. Wash up, little one.”

Ben turned to leave and I grabbed his arm. I saw his jaw clench and I knew what I was doing to him, but I didn’t care. I could feel it—the weird thing between us. I tugged his elbow.

 “Help?” I asked.

He didn’t look at me. “You can’t shower?”

 “I don’t want to be alone…”

He hesitated and sighed heavily. I didn’t have an ulterior motive—I was scared and lonely. Ben turned slightly and looked at everything but me and lifted me into the shower. He was more than twice my height and ten times as heavy. He knelt on the floor and pushed back his sleeves.

 “I have to take care of you, Rey. I sensed you across the Force, and that’s very rare.” He averted his dark eyes. “…I just wish you were older than this.”

 “I dunno what any of that means.”

 “…I know.” He squeezed out soap from a pump and gestured. “Can I help?”

Trusting the touch of a stranger wasn’t natural for me. Ben was tall and we hardly knew each other and… I drew back and shook my head and he offered his soapy palms instead. We were both quiet until I shuffled closer and swiped off the soap with my dirty fingers. His palms were warm and calloused.

Ben’s heart skipped a beat—I could feel it. He watched as I ran my fingertips through my hair. He loved my touch. He lived for it.

We were quiet for a few minutes. He twiddled his thumbs.

 “…Can I wash you, Rey?” he asked again.

I peered into his dark eyes through the cascade of water. He seemed safe enough.

 “…Sure,” I said, “but I’ll bite you if you annoy me.”

Ben nodded and smiled a bit. He shifted closer and ran his long fingers across my scalp and I leaned into his touch. He scrubbed my head for a bit before tentatively moving on to the rest of my body, avoiding sensitive areas and lingering near my armpits when I squirmed and giggled.

 “Ticklish?” he murmured.

 “No!” I squealed when he brushed under my arms again and laughed. It had been a long time since I last laughed.

The sand and dirt from Jakku ran into the drain. My hair was fresh and clean and I opened my mouth to drink some of the water from the showerhead. Ben watched me for a few minutes with his chin resting in his soapy hand, smiling, while I finished washing myself. I turned and flipped my hair over my head to let the pulse of the water massage my back.

When I was done, Ben took my hand to help me out of the shower. He stood and opened a closet to give me a fluffy brown towel and I buried my face in it, relishing the sensation. I rubbed it across my body to wipe off all the water and Ben dried my hair. It drew more giggles and squeaks from me.

I yawned as Ben tugged a huge shirt over my head that draped past my knees. It smelled like him.

 “I’m sleepy,” I mumbled.

 “I know, little one.” He had knelt on the floor again and carefully curled my hair behind my ears. “Let me bring you to your bed.”

 “Okay.” I rubbed my eyes and pointed to the closet. “Can I have another shirt?”

 “Yes. You can have whatever you want.”

Ben put the shirt over his shoulder and I stretched my arms up, silently asking to be held. His throat bobbed and he scooped me up under my armpits, wrapping an arm around my body and under my behind to keep me in place. I leaned my head on his shoulder and yawned again. His heart thrummed against my chest as we left the ‘fresher and went back into the hallway.

We passed the cockpit. Ben leaned into speak to Luke in a low tone, and I heard another male voice. I blinked blearily and saw a man who looked just like an older Ben studying me curiously. I shrank away from his stare and buried my face in Ben’s neck and they all laughed a little.

 “Shy little thing,” said the unknown man. “I can’t believe she’s been pickin’ around on Jakku of all places.”

 “She’s Force-sensitive. Powerful, like Ben, but she doesn’t realize it yet.” Luke was talking quietly. “She looks much better, Ben. Good to get all the dirt and grime off her.”

Ben’s shoulder shifted under my head in a small shrug. “I did my best.” His grip moved to boost me up in his arms. “She’s sleepy—I’m going to put her to bed and get her some water.”

 “Your mother would kill to see this,” laughed the stranger. “Wanna swing over to Coruscant so she can see you being all nurturing and shit?”

 “No swearing around the child, Han,” Luke sighed.

 “Kid lived on Jakku; I bet she’s heard worse.”

Ben turned, now rubbing my back. “Excellent parenting, dad.”

We left the cockpit and walked down the hall again. I was practically asleep in Ben’s arms when we entered another quiet, dark room. I heard rustling and he turned his head to kiss my shoulder.

 “I’m going to get you some water,” he murmured. “You can sleep here until we get home.”

I’d never slept in a bed before. He gently lowered me on the mattress and I sat there and pressed my fingers into it, curious. Ben crossed the room to the sink and came back with water, which I greedily gulped and spilled down my chin. I coughed from drinking so fast and he laughed and tilted my chin to wipe the excess away with his sleeve. He went to get more and I finished that, too.

I’d held my breath while drinking and panted, swallowing to remember the taste. Ben squatted beside the bed and tentatively reached up to brush his long fingers across my cheek. I snatched the extra shirt from his shoulder and rolled it into a ball to squeeze in my arms, smiling.

 “You keep touching me.”

He blinked and quickly drew back, but I grabbed his hand. I turned it over to look at his palm, tracing the lines and ridges and callouses with my fingertips. His hands were big.

 “Mom and dad will like you, I think,” I said. “You’re nice.”

 “I’m glad.” Ben sat on the floor and watched my fingers moving across his palm. “I’ll take good care of you until they come back.”

There was something… something I didn’t understand. I could feel it buzz while I continued inspecting Ben’s hand; it throbbed like a heartbeat and I wanted to sink into him and never move again. It flowed through the room and centered around him. I could almost reach out and touch it.

I wrapped my thin fingers around Ben’s wrist and tugged. “Okay, I’m ready for bed.”

He laughed. “You have to sleep alone, silly.”

 “But—”

 “It’s okay.” He stood up. “I’m right next door if you need me. We’ll be home soon.”

I tried to hold Ben’s hand captive but he easily slipped away to help me get settled under the sheets. I pouted but snuggled under them with his shirt and yawned. He leaned over to kiss my temple and began to draw back, then kissed me again. His lips were warm and soft and lingered on my skin.

Ben abruptly straightened up and cleared his throat. “Okay, come get me if you need anything.”

 “Okay.” I closed my eyes and curled into a ball. “Goodnight, Ben. Thank you.”

 “…Goodnight, Rey.”

The door opened and light briefly spilled into the darkness. Ben stood there for an extra minute and I knew he was watching me. Then it shut, and I was alone again.


	3. And sings the tune without the words -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeyyyy thank u for the feedback  
> this chapter is so short it's basically an extension of the last one

The sheets felt prickly on my skin and made it hard to sleep. I wasn’t used to being covered by a blanket at night—usually I curled into a tight ball when night stretched across the Jakku desert and it became inhospitably cold. I tossed and turned for a while before slipping out of bed and tiptoeing across the cold floor to the sink to drink water straight from the faucet.

I wiped my mouth on my forearm when I was done and looked around the room. It was dark and quiet and all I could hear was the whir of the engine. I crossed my thin arms over my chest and shivered.

The door hissed open. “Rey?”

I turned to see Ben standing in the doorframe, touching it with one hand and leaning forward like he wanted to come in. He was wearing a beige shirt and gray pants and looked concerned.

 “Hi,” I said. “I was thirsty. And the blankets itch.”

Ben crossed the room in a few strides to the bed and inspected the sheets. “My father is as cheap as he is unreliable. I’m sorry, little one. Do you want more shirts to sleep on instead?”

I shrugged and went back to the sink to drink straight out of the faucet again. Ben stared at me as I casually wiped my mouth and yawned.

 “I’ll sleep on the floor,” I said. “I don’t like having things on top of me.” I cocked my head and frowned. “Why are you here, anyway?”

He looked away to readjust my pillows. “…I heard the bed creak and wanted to check on you. Use the cup; don’t drink straight out of the faucet like that.”

 “But it’s faster.”

 “Yes, but it’s not proper etiquette.”

 “What’s an ‘etiquette’?” I drawled, deliberately drinking out of the faucet again.

Ben put his hands on his hips and raised an eyebrow. “Manners—like doing what I tell you to do instead of being obstinate.”

I slunk back to the bed, rolling on it like a log and burying my face in the pillows. Ben tugged the sheets out from under me and tucked me back in. The sheets didn’t scratch; they tickled. My skin wasn’t used to anything other than my rough tunic and the gritty sand.

 “Good girl,” he whispered. “Go to sleep.”

But my sleepiness had faded way. I was excited to see where we were going and happy that I didn’t have to scrounge for food and see Unkar Plutt’s ugly mug every day. I squirmed under the sheets and pulled them over my head like a hood, kneeling on the bed. Ben groaned and rubbed his face, drawing a hand through his thick black hair.

 “I gotta pee!” I chirped, beaming. I stretched my arms out to him. “Carry me.”

 “You just don’t want to go to bed.”

My grin widened. “Maybe. Or _maybe_ I gotta pee.” I waggled my fingers impatiently. “And I bet it’s bad etiquette to pee in the sink.”

Ben muttered under his breath and leaned over to lift me up by the armpits. He only needed one arm to support me around the waist and shifted my weight as I nuzzled into his neck. His skin was warm and smelled like soap. I could feel his pulse throbbing.

We left the bedroom and went down the hall to the ‘fresher. Everything was dimly illuminated. I squinted when he opened the door to the ‘fresher and flicked on the overhead lights.

He set me on my feet. “Hurry up. Wash your hands after.”

I did my business and leaned up on my tiptoes to scrub my hands like Ben said. He was leaning on the wall outside when I stepped out and splayed his fingers in a gesture for me to do the same. I waved my hands and giggled when he rolled his eyes and grabbed my wrists. He turned them a few times before squeezing my hands in his.

 “What’s she doing up?”

Ben dropped my hands and took a quick step back. Han had appeared around the corner, yawning and wearing a sleeveless white shirt. I cocked my head and watched him groggily approach us.

 “Refresher,” Ben said. “She can’t sleep.”

 “She can—she doesn’t want to.” Han yawned again and slapped a hand on the switch to open the door. “You were a stubborn little shit, too.”

 “Not sure how you know that!” Ben snapped as his father walked into the ‘fresher. “You were never around to put me to bed!”

 “Didn’t have to be to know you were a stubborn little shit,” Han called.

I frowned up at Ben and saw him clench his jaw. He seized my hand and pulled me back to my bedroom, walking so fast that I had to run to keep up with him. My dad never put me to bed, either, but I knew he had a good reason. He and mom were waiting for the right time to come back.

 “You should be nice to your dad,” I said.

Ben lifted me up to put me back in bed. “You’ll understand when you’re older.”

No—I understood now. I grabbed Ben’s hand when he turned to leave and tugged him back. His dark eyes assessed me and I felt the pull again.

 “You only get one dad.” I squeezed his fingers. “You should be nice to him.”

He resisted at first, then returned my squeeze. “It’s complicated, little one. I’ll tell you when you’re older. You shouldn’t have to worry about things like that.”

Ugh. I wasn’t a baby. I tried to slip my hand from his but Ben held fast. He kept staring at me. I felt the sensation pass through me again as he bent over to kiss my forehead. I jerked to my knees to kiss his cheek and could feel his heart skip a beat again. I heard something. Whispers. His skin was smooth, but I could feel the prickles of a beard coming in.

I made a face as I snuggled under the blankets. “Your face is scratchy.”

Ben didn’t say anything. He kept staring at me for another minute and left without a word.


	4. And never stops - at all -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> obligatory awkward questions chapter

 “Wake up, Rey. We’re making a stop.”

I blinked blearily and turned on my back to see Ben standing over me. He was dressed in black again and had his hair drawn back in a half-ponytail. His hand was cupped over my shoulder and he smiled when I yawned and stretched my arms towards the ceiling until they cracked.

 “Where are we?” I mumbled. “And why do you have girl hair?”

He laughed and scooped me out of bed, sheets and all. “Coruscant—Han is dropping us off and my mother is giving us another ship. Then we go back to Spintir and the Jedi Academy, and you get to meet the other younglings.”

I peered up at him and crossed my feet nervously. “…There’s more people?”

 “Don’t worry. I won’t leave your side.” He searched my eyes and kissed my forehead again. His breath smelled like mint. “And if they’re mean to you… they’ll pay for it.”

 “If you say so.”

They had washed my clothes in the sonic cleaner and all traces of Jakku had disappeared. Ben politely looked away while I got dressed and followed me down the hall to the ‘fresher so I could brush my teeth. He stood in the bathroom and watched languidly. I had paste smeared all over my mouth and ate some of it when he closed his eyes. It was so sweet and crunchy. I’d never tasted anything like it.

Ben wiped my mouth with a tissue when I was done. “Let me see your teeth.”

I bared them like a sabercat and he gently moved my lips to look inside my mouth. I snapped at his fingers when he drew back and cackled to myself.

 “No biting, little one,” he chastised, smiling. He seized my chin and his dark eyes studied my hazel eyes. “Or I’ll bite you back.”

I smirked and tried to bite his fingers again as he let go. Ben scooped me into his arms and made a loud growling sound as he gently bit my shoulder. I squealed and struggled to get away and laughed. It had been so long since I’d laughed so much. Showing any emotion around the aliens could end badly, and I had to drive them off somehow. They would sneak to my home at night.

A knock on the door startled us. “Hey! Hurry it up!”

Han—Ben’s daddy. Ben scowled and lowered me back to the floor. I slipped my small hand in his and when we stepped out, Ben almost ran into Han. He was taller than his dad and glared down at him. I pressed closer to Ben’s side and wrapped my arms around one of his.

 “Sorry to inconvenience you with this trip,” Ben said icily.

Han glanced at me. “Kid, if he’s mean to you, tell me, and I’ll kick his ass.” He pointed at Ben and scowled. “You better be good to her. I’m not kidding. I’ll kick the shit out of you— _and_ I’ll tell your mother.”

He walked away from us without another word. I looked up at Ben and saw his lower lip tremble. For some reason, I felt sad and angry.

We left the _Falcon_ with Luke and Han. I clung to Ben as we stepped out onto a paved street, the first I had ever seen, and saw enormous buildings that towered into the sky. Luke chatted with Han and people milled by and I was overwhelmed. Tears welled up in my eyes and I sniffled and buried my face in Ben’s hip. He murmured tenderly and picked me up so I could hide my face in his neck.

 “I know,” he whispered. “It’s a huge place. I’ll carry you.”

My lips quivered and I nodded, wiping my tears off on his shoulder. He rubbed my back and I felt us moving a few feet.

 “Poor thing,” Luke said. He touched my back. “It’s okay, Rey. This is just a pit stop. Spintir is very quiet, and green. There are lakes and forests and all kinds of animals for you to play with.”

Han snorted. “You kidding? It’s just a city. Put the kid down and let her learn to deal with it instead of coddling her.”

Ben’s grip tightened around me. “Don’t you have somewhere to be? Preferably away from impressionable children?”

 “Ben?! Ben!”

It was a female voice. Ben adjusted his grip and I blinked in surprise when I felt a person pressing against my back. She was short and she squeezed him and patted my back when she leaned away. I was… happy. I didn’t know why. Happy, but hurt. Her perfume reminded me of water and fruit and I thought of home for some reason.

Ben cleared his throat. “Hello, mother. This is Rey, and you just squished her.”

 “Can she walk? Why are you carrying her?”

 “That’s what I’m sayin’,” Han interrupted gruffly.

I peeked out of Ben’s neck to see a short, older woman in fancy green and black robes. She smiled and waved and I smiled back at her. I didn’t know why, but she felt safe.

Ben touched the back of my head. “She’s shy.”

My surroundings were starting to feel more secure, and I wanted to explore them. I squirmed out of Ben’s arms and teetered to my feet to squint at his mom. She reached out to brush my wispy hair back and her brown eyes lit up.

 “She’s beautiful,” his mom said. “How did you find her on Jakku?”

I took a tentative step towards her and she opened her arms to give me a hug. She was warm, soft, safe—like Ben. I smiled and closed my eyes.

 “I think she’s Ben’s counterpart,” Luke said, “but I’m not sure. He could sense her for a while, but it’s gotten stronger, so we went to find her. It’s nothing I’ve seen before, Leia.”

 “Counterpart?” Leia echoed.

 “Light and Dark.” Ben ran his long fingers through my hair. “We think she’s the Dark.”

She held me closer. “Impossible. There’s nothing but Light in her.”

 “She’s a child, Leia,” Luke said. “Things change.”

We started walking. I held Leia’s hand and chatted with her about my parents and Jakku. She was nice, like my mom would be. Ben walked beside us and I felt his fingers brush mine and I instinctively clasped my little fingers in his while talking to his mother. She had pretty eyes. She looked like Ben, but Han was much closer. Han was kind of rude but I liked him.

Throngs of people passed us by and the guards kept them away. I hardly noticed and had no time to think about my anxiety. Ben would pull me closer when the road narrowed. I was so involved with talking to Leia that I began ignoring the enormous buildings looming over us.

 “Ben will be very nice to you,” Leia reassured as we stepped up to a huge marble building. “I’m a Senator, so when your parents come back, I’ll let him know.”

I beamed. “Okay! Thank you!”

The floors were all shiny inside. I gasped and broke away from Leia to peel off my shoes and slide across them in my socks. There were decorations and people dressed up but I didn’t care. I did a cartwheel and giggled and spun in a circle to look at the intricate artwork on the ceilings. Wow.

Ben fretted over my hair, brushing it back into place. “Hungry, little one?”

 “Yes.” I squirmed away and shook my head to muss my hair again. I had cut it short and pulled it into buns so it didn’t get in my face while I scavenged.

 “This is my mother’s home. We’ll stay here for a day or two, so let’s get you to your room and order your dinner.”

 “Okie dokie!”

He went back to talk to his mother and told her I needed to see a doctor and a dentist. She touched his arm and her eyes glimmered with tears and she nodded. I waved again as Ben led me to the elevator.

We went upstairs. It was decorated with nice paintings and soft, intricate carpeting and I could hear laughter downstairs. I tugged away from Ben to lean on the railing and saw Luke, Leia, and Han standing by the door. They were chatting and smiling. I liked seeing people happy.

 “HI, GUYS!” I hollered, waving both hands spastically.

They looked up and laughed more and waved back. Ben wrapped an arm around my waist and brought me back to his side.

 “Come on,” he muttered, “time for dinner.”

We walked down the hall to a big white door and I twisted the handle to step inside.

The walls were light blue with a strip of beige across the middle. There were sailboat pictures, and photos of the beach. I padded around the room to see the furniture and my own personal ‘fresher. The room was big; bigger even than my gutted Rebel ship. The carpet was soft under my scarred feet.

Ben touched the small of my back. “Get comfortable and I’ll order your dinner.”

I brushed past him and jumped into the plushy bed with white sheets. He sat in a chair beside the bed and picked up the phone to call down for my food.

 “Your mom is nice,” I said in a muffled voice. “Do you see her a lot?”

 “…She is nice.” The bed shifted. “We don’t see each other much, no.”

I peered at him, sitting near my legs. “Why not?”

 “It’s complicated.” Ben twiddled his thumbs and looked away. “So… Rey. I have to ask you a weird question.”

 “Okay. What?”

 “Have you…” He hesitated, turning red. “Have you had a period?”

I didn’t miss a beat. “What’s a period?”

It looked like he didn’t expect that answer. I sat up and cocked my head, watching a flurry of emotions cross over his long, pale face. He kept gesturing with his hands but no words came out.

 “Uh… blood?” he finally managed.

 “No. No blood other than cuts.” I narrowed my eyes and snatched his arm, barely curling my fingers around his bicep. “Explain.”

Ben was getting more and more uncomfortable. He rubbed the back of his head and shrugged, and I squirmed closer. The oddity pulsed between us and I suddenly felt nervous. My curiosity was strong enough that I could ignore the sweat beading on my palms.

 “You bleed between your legs,” he ejaculated after a pause. “It means you’re a grown up.”

My eyes widened. “B-but why?! That sounds horrible!”

He waved his hands apologetically and hesitated before patting my hands on his arm. “I just had to ask so we could get you… things… if you needed them. Let’s not talk about it anymore.”

But Pandora’s box was open and I was insatiably curious. I clambered into Ben’s lap, grasping his pants and shirt to find a place to sit, and he made a weird pained sound. He had to grab me when I teetered backwards and almost fell on my head and awkwardly kept his arms wrapped behind my back. I stretched my legs around his waist and pinched his prickly cheeks between my thumb and index fingers. Somehow, he’d turned paler.

 “Tell me,” I demanded.

Ben’s chin trembled. “This is probably—" His voice cracked and he cleared his throat “—this is probably better for you to talk about with my mother.”

 “No. You tell me.” I pulled on his cheeks, warping his face. “Or I’ll tell Han you were mean to me.”

 “I’m being shaken down by a 12-year-old,” Ben muttered. He was quiet for a minute while I kept playing with his face before he spoke. “It’s… Well, once a month you… bleed. So you can have babies one day. One day in the very, very, _very_ distant future.”

 “That doesn’t make sense.” I moved on to his hair, winding a soft lock into a braid. “How are babies made, anyway? Do I grow the baby, or do you? How does the baby get out?”

A knock on the door interrupted us. Ben muttered ‘thank the Force’ and set me on the bed to go answer it. It was a grilled fish with some side vegetables; like nothing I’d eaten before. I clapped and eagerly dug in, relishing the flavors and the salt. Ben sat beside me and watched me shovel all of it in my mouth. He had dinner, too, but ate at a much slower pace.

I sucked the seasonings off my fingers when I was done. “What happens after my period starts?”

Ben seized my wrists to wipe my hands off with a napkin and patted my mouth clean. I licked my lips and guzzled down my second glass of water.

 “Nothing,” he said. “It just means you’re growing up. Rey, please use a napkin.”

I’d spilled water down my chin and was wiping it on my forearm. I growled like an angry kitten when Ben held the back of my head to clean it off. I snapped at his fingers when he was done and he seized my chin, squeezing my entire face in one hand.

 “No biting,” he said firmly.

 “That’s how I tell you I’m mad,” I said in a muffled voice.

Ben raised an eyebrow. “Not anymore. Now you’ll use your words.”

 “I don’t wanna.”

 “Too bad.” He rose from his chair—we were in the small dining room—and gathered our empty plates. “Sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do, Rey.”

I crossed my arms and huffed irately. I’d never do things I didn’t want to do.


	5. And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess i'm going for 'ing' chapter titles idk why  
> thank u guys for the reviewsssss  
> also I know rey is behaving under her age, but i personally see it as her never learning real social skills, kind of like those kids you see in books who grew up in the wild. they bite, they're suspicious, kind of regressed, etc. i'd think growing up in a place like jakku would make her more aggressive than aged beyond her years

A doctor and a dentist came to see me later on. The doctor checked my heart and weighed me and took some of my blood, and the dentist poked around in my mouth. I growled when the doctor took out a needle, but Ben let me sit in his lap and squeeze his arm. He said they were shots so I wouldn’t get sick. That didn’t make sense to me but I trusted Ben to know what was best.

The dentist was tall and pretty. She let me sit in Ben’s lap, too, and brushed back my hair. I didn’t bite her, even though I wanted to.

 “You still have some baby teeth,” she said, smiling down at me. “You should lose them all by next year and start growing the rest of your adult chompers. Everything looks good, though.”

Ben sighed like he was relieved. “Okay, good. I thought I saw a cavity.”

 “They’re very common in baby teeth but won’t cause any lasting damage.” She raised an eyebrow at Ben. “You’ve changed quite a bit. Is the moody teenager phase over?”

 “Sort of. Thanks, Yalla.”

She left, and we were alone in the room again.

I tried to get out of Ben’s lap but he wouldn’t let go. The doctor had given me a book about growing up and I wanted to go lie in bed and read it all night. He said I was starting to go through something called ‘puberty’ and my body was going to change in a lot of ways. Ben had stared and tapped his fingers.

 “I want to read my book,” I whined, squirming around.

Ben’s embrace tightened and I felt his breath on my neck. He swallowed so hard I could hear it go down his throat and feel it bob against my skin.

 “This is… so confusing,” he whispered. “I don’t understand why I feel this way.”

Annoyed, I wormed underneath his arms and slipped onto the floor. Ben leaned back in his chair and stared into space, rubbing his forehead, as I trotted to the bed with my book. I hopped into the plush comforter and nestled into the pillows. I’d taught myself how to read most things, but still wasn’t that good at it.

I opened to the first page and quietly sounded out the words. There were diagrams that were easier to understand, but I didn’t recognize a lot of what I read. I glanced at Ben and saw he was still sitting in the chair like a statue. He blinked once, slow, and covered his mouth.

 “I need help,” I called.

 “With what?”

 “Reading.” I squinted at the page and turned the book. “What’s… ooterus?”

Ben closed his eyes and laughed a little into his hand. “Uterus.”

 “Oh. Well that pronunciation doesn’t make sense.” I patted the spot next to me impatiently, eager to get on with reading my book. “Hurry up!”

He sighed and rose from the chair to crawl into the bed beside me. I climbed between his legs and nestled back against his chest and Ben made the pained sound again. His body was kind of hard.

 “Can you braid my hair?” I asked.

 “…Sure. All the Padawans have a braid, you know.” Ben ran his long fingers through my hair, gently working the knots free. “You’ll have one, too.”

I bent my neck back to look up at him. “You don’t have a braid.”

 “I’m not a Padawan. I’m a Knight. The braids are cut off when you pass your trials.”

 “That’s weird.” I flipped to the next page in the book, mostly browsing through the pictures. They were descriptive enough for what I didn’t understand.

We were quiet for a long time. Ben made a few braids before yawning and leaning his head on the board behind us. He draped his hands on his knees and I idly pulled one around me, still drinking in all the information in the book. It was neat. I’d never known any of those things.

Ben touched my forearm with his free hand, tracing a knotted scar that went up to my elbow. I’d never felt so peaceful before. My head bobbed sleepily and I dropped my book on the bed twice as his fingertips drew tingly lines up to skin and across my palms. His heart thrummed against my back and gradually lulled me closer and closer to sleep.

Then I felt it—the pulse. It was stronger this time and rippled up my spine to my head. I whimpered drowsily and squeezed my hand over Ben’s on my stomach and he shifted behind me.

 “Don’t be afraid,” he mumbled. “I feel it, too.”

It was like a fog in my brain and I didn’t like it. Ben smoothed my hair back with one hand and kissed the top of my head. I grabbed his thigh as the sensation intensified and it suddenly jolted like lightning.

  _“Your parents don’t want you.”_

_The man’s voice is eerie and makes me sick. I can’t see him. I can see Ben sitting on the end of a bed with his head in his hands, crying. He looks little, like me._

_“Shut up!” he hisses. “They do!”_

_“Then why would they abandon you here?” The man is whispering, like a breeze through dead branches. “Trust in me, young Solo. I will take away your weakness—and make you strong."_

Both of us gasped as the weird feeling passed as quickly as it had come. Ben had completely encircled me with his arms and was holding me so tight that my chest hurt. I latched my fingers on his forearms and stared at the opposite wall in shock. It was like a dream, but I was awake. I’d had strange dreams before, about a man in a forest, but this was different.

I could feel something—it was dark and cold and slimy—and it was coming from Ben.

The door opened a few inches. “Everything okay in here?”

We both looked guiltily at the door to see Leia peeking her head inside. She was dressed down in a pretty green nightgown and gasped when she saw us, covering her mouth. She turned and opened the door wider and Ben’s grip became rib-crushing.

 “Come see!” she whispered.

Han and Luke both looked in the room, too, and Luke burst out laughing. Leia whispered to him about getting a camera and Han leaned on the door, folding his arms and watching us with narrowed eyes.

 “Ben, get up,” he said.

 “Oh, Han don’t be that way.” Leia rolled her eyes and thanked Luke as he came back with her camera. “It’s cute a _nd_ humiliating for Ben. Luke, hang this up in the Jedi Academy somewhere.”

 “It’s not cute,” Han snapped, “it’s bizarre. Ben— _get up_.”

Leia took the picture and glared up at him. “She’s twelve. They were reading a book. Ben and I did the exact same thing when he was little. But you wouldn’t know that.”

Han pointed at me. “She’s some 12-year-old kid from Jakku, not his sister. You’re better off putting her back where you found her instead of letting a 22-year-old boy be alone with her all the time. It’s bizarre, and it’s going to lead to bad shit, Leia. She’s not his damn pet.”

That finally got Ben out of bed. He stormed over to his father, back all stiff and fists clenched in anger, and I felt mad, too. I watched Leia quickly step between the two of them and Luke tried to help, too.

 “What do you think I’m going to do?” Ben demanded.

Han huffed. “You know I don’t mean it that way. This is just a bad idea. She’s a kid; she needs to play with kids her age instead of having a grown man hovering behind her all the time.” He glanced at Luke expectantly. “You get what I mean, right?”

 “Nothing will happen,” Luke said. “Ben is around Padawans all the time and this is no different. Rey will have space to grow and develop.”

 “He’s calling me a pedo—” Ben hesitated and glanced back at me. He lowered his voice as he turned back. “You know!”

Luke rubbed his face, sighing. “Han, you don’t fully understand how complicated the bond between the two of them is. It’s purely platonic but it runs very deep. It’s like… being two halves of the same person, similar to my relationship with Leia.”

 “And you kissed her!” Han hissed. “Runs in the damn family!”

I cocked my head and blinked innocently at them. They were trying to be quiet, but I had good hearing. Leia pulled Luke and Han into the hallway, but Ben lingered near the door. I knew he didn’t want to leave me alone.

 “I think I can resist a prepubescent _child_.” Ben was getting angrier.

 “Shit happens, Ben.” Han was speaking again but he seemed calmer. “I’m… I’m trying to help you.”

 “Nothing is going to happen,” Luke reiterated. “She’s a Padawan. Ben has had female Padawans. She’s a child, practically his sister, and she’s very shy and anxious. Once she’s settled she’ll grow more confident and independent and venture out to make her own friends. Ben was the same way at her age—but he is her caretaker, and it’s his responsibility to teach her.”

Han growled under his breath. “Fine. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. No more of that giving her baths crap. She can do that on her own. And no sleeping in the same bed.”

 “I helped her because she’s never even seen a shower before!” Ben retorted. “And we didn’t sleep in the same bed!”

 “Okay, that’s enough,” Leia interrupted in a sharp tone. “I’m sick of the fighting. Ben, it’s time for Rey to go to bed. You will be next door.”

Ben drew back into the bedroom and slammed the door shut. I jumped in surprise and hurriedly crawled under the covers, peering out as he ran a hand through his hair. Anger flashed in me and I didn’t know why. I sank down as Ben clenched his jaw and shook his head, glaring at the floor.

 “Who was that man?” I called tentatively.

He frowned. “Han?”

I shook my head, only poking my nose over the comforter. “From the dream. He was talking to you.”

 “No one. It was a nightmare.”

Ben strode over to the bed to fluff my pillow and make sure my sheets were tucked in just the right way. He kissed my forehead and I grasped his face between my two hands when he started to pull away. We were close. I could see bits of green in his irises.

 “I don’t think I’m your pet,” I whispered. “Thank you for taking care of me until my parents come back.”

He ground his teeth, then swiftly kissed my forehead again, grabbing the back of my head and tangling his fingers in my hair. I watched him leave, sitting up in bed, and noticed tears streaked on my thumbs.


	6. And sore must be the storm -

Sunshine woke me up in the morning, like it always did on Jakku. I yawned and blinked blearily, rubbing the sleepiness from my eyes. I’d never slept so well before. The pillows were like a fortress and my skin was getting used to the soft blankets. I smacked my lips and lazily looked to my left.

Ben was kneeling beside the bed, arms crossed on the comforter with his chin resting on them, watching me. He smiled when I noticed him and I rolled on my side to tug him into bed with me. But he resisted and glanced over his shoulder like he was paranoid about something.

 “Time to get up, little one,” he said. “You need to shower and eat.”

I grunted and tugged his arm again. “Sleep.”

 “My mother went out to find you some new clothes. Don’t you want to see them?”

 “No.” I pulled harder.

Ben looked over his shoulder at the door again and back to me. His dark eyes were conflicted, but he inched forward a bit when I smiled sleepily at him. The sensation flickered between us again like a spark, and Ben checked the door once more before nudging the sheets back. I chirped like a happy bird and squirmed back as he slipped under the comforter beside me into the warmth and quiet.

 “We can stay here for a few minutes,” he whispered. “Okay?”

I nodded conspiratorially and edged closer to him, drawn by the weird energy between us. It didn’t make sense to me but it always made Ben’s face turn red. I nuzzled under his chin and curled against him and he hesitantly wrapped his arms around me. His nose drifted through my hair and he took a deep breath, squeezing me closer. He was warm and smelled like soap.

 “…Rey.” Ben swallowed and I felt his throat bob against my head.

 “Mhm?” I mumbled, drifting off to sleep again.

 “That man you saw… He’s my… friend.”

I frowned and looked up into his eyes. “But he was mean to you.”

Ben touched my cheek, covering half of my face in his clammy palm. He was nervous. I cocked my head, utterly naïve and inexplicably trusting of a man who I hardly knew. It defied all logic, but our strange and unnatural bond was deepening faster and faster.

But the nature of our feelings towards one another were not the same.

 “Sometimes friends are mean to each other because they care.” His gaze drifted to my thin, dry lips. “Please keep it a secret for me—okay?”

I nodded, beaming. “Sure!”

He kissed my forehead, then the tip of my nose. I giggled and tried to squirm away but Ben squeezed me closer and buried his face in my neck, growling like a dog and nibbling my skin. The sheets rustled and he shushed me when my laughter turned into a high-pitched squeal of delight. I felt safe and warm and happy. My mind buzzed with a prickling heat again.

Ben groaned. “I could just eat you up.” He locked his teeth around my shoulder and made more growling sounds.

I shifted in his grip and arched against him to bite his shoulder, fighting to keep my giggling quiet. Ben gasped dramatically and rolled on his back with an arm around me like a bar. He writhed in the bed and pretended to be struggling to get away from me and I laughed and bit his chin instead. We were tangled up in the sheets and I was wrapped into him like a sandwich.

Footsteps in the hallway made both of us look up. Ben quickly yanked back the sheets and scooped me out of bed to set me on the floor. I teetered and scowled up at him.

 “Hey!” I protested.

He looked pale again. “Come on—you need to shower and eat.”

Ben didn’t help me in the bath this time. I washed my hair and brushed my teeth and he waited outside, jumping to his feet when I came out. I did have new clothes that looked just like Ben’s but were brown instead of black. I excitedly pulled on my tunic, pants, and robe and had a hard time sitting still while Ben brushed my hair into three small ponytails. My breakfast helped distract me.

Leia peered inside when he was finishing up and put a hand over her heart. She was wearing a shirt and pants instead of a dress, which made more sense to me. Dresses were stupid.

 “Don’t you look pretty?” she said, touching my back. “How did you sleep?”

 “Good! I loved my bed.”

Ben fussed over my hair. “She took a shower and brushed her teeth. Alone.”

 “Very good.” Leia glanced at Ben and smiled furtively. “So, Rey, are you excited to meet the other Padawans?”

I shrugged. “I dunno. I guess so.” I bent my neck back to look up at Ben. “Will they be nice?”

He stared down at me, smiling, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “They better be.”

Han had already left and Luke was waiting for us outside by our new ship. I leaned on my tiptoes to hug Leia goodbye and took Ben’s hand while he kissed her goodbye.

 “It was good to see you, Ben,” Leia said. “Take good care of her.”

 “I will.”

We boarded the ship and I kept waving to Leia from the cockpit. I sat next to Luke in the copilot’s chair and listened eagerly as he explained the array panel. Ben stood behind me with his arms crossed over the headrest. I could feel his eyes on my back.

I went to the ‘fresher and Ben followed me like he was attached to a leash. He waited outside and hovered behind me while I explored the new ship, checking every room and inspecting the array panels. It didn’t bother me. I liked knowing he was there if I needed him.

 “How many Padawans are there?” I asked, fiddling with a dial.

 “Twenty or so, and five Knights. Some of the Padawans are younger than you.”

 “Oh.” I looked up at him leaning on the wall. “Where do I sleep?”

 “You’ll stay in my hut,” Ben said without missing a beat. “The other Padawans live together in the Academy.”

I tilted my head. “I won’t bother you?”

 “Of course not. I’ll teach you everything I know, little one, and I won’t leave your side.” He smiled again, tilting his head. “Even if you want me to.”

We went back to the cockpit so I could learn more about flying the ship. Ben held me in his lap and fell asleep with his arms around my waist while I chatted with Luke about my adventures on Jakku. He was nice and I liked him—but I liked Ben more. I dozed off against his chest mid-sentence.

My bed shifted. I opened my eyes to find I was curled in Ben’s arms and he was walking and talking to Luke. I saw green grass through the cockpit window and widened my eyes, then pretended to be asleep again. It had to be Spintir, which meant I had to meet new people. The thought was unsettling and I hid my face in the edge of Ben’s robe right over his heartbeat.

The ship’s door hissed open and Ben stepped down to the ground. My ears pricked when I heard loud excited screaming and I took a sharp, nervous breath. Ben cupped a hand protectively over the back of my head and a bunch of high-pitched voices mingled together and came closer.

 “Everyone, calm down,” Luke said, laughing a little. “We were only gone for a few days. Was Owen that bad of a babysitter?”

Fingers touched my robe. “Is that her?”

Ben drew back. “Yes—but touching her is rude, Oola.” He adjusted me higher in his arms and his grip tightened. “I’m going to bring her to the hut, Uncle Luke.”

 “We want to meet her!” complained another voice.

 “Rey is very tired.” Luke clapped his hands. “Why don’t we all practice our lightsaber techniques?”

They all cheered. Some of the voices sounded young like me, but a few were deep and older. I tried to burrow further into Ben’s robe and caught the faint scent of perfume—like flowers. It reminded me of Leia and a mother and I was tempted to look.

 “She’s so cute!” squealed a woman. Her voice reminded me of bells. “Did you find her on Jakku?”

 “Yes,” Ben said. “She’s not a toy, Jira. Go help Luke with the Padawans.”

Jira’s fingers brushed my back and I stiffened. I heard the sharp sound of a slap and she yelped.

 “Don’t touch her,” Ben snapped. “She doesn’t _like it_.”

 “Fine. But you’ll have to share her sooner or later so she can learn about girl stuff.”

 “Joke’s on you; I already told her about periods.” Ben stroked the back of my head with his thumb and pressed his cheek to the crown of my skull. “And the doctor on Coruscant gave her a book about puberty. Find your own.”

Jira laughed and I decided I liked her voice enough that I’d sneak a peek. I turned my head a few centimeters and frowned when I saw a blue Twi’lek instead of a human girl. She had green eyes and a brown headpiece wrapped down her lekku and was wearing black robes like Ben. Her gaze flickered to me and she beamed.

 “Hi there, Rey,” Jira said. “Is Ben being nice to you?”

She was… pretty. I’d seen a few Twi’leks on Jakku who were chained up slaves. I stared at her and nodded slowly, drinking in her features.

Jira’s smile widened. “Good! Because if he’s not being nice, I’ll break his skinny little legs.” She blinked, then stood up straight. “By the way, Aayla was looking for you. I think she wants to play house. She hasn’t stopped gabbing about the ‘three musketeers’ since you left.”

 “…Great.” Ben kissed the top of my head. “Do you want to walk, little one? Everyone is gone.”

Jira giggled when I shook my head. “If only you were this nice to the other Padawans. Leia must have loved this whole nurturing thing.”

 “Yeah, she took a picture—”

 “ _There’s photographic evidence?!_ ”

Ben shook his head quickly. “No, no; Luke does not have—”

Jira gasped and took off running. I stared after her, puzzled by the strange alien. The grass swayed by her ankles and she could run really fast. I knew I couldn’t catch her.

I looked up at the sky and saw two suns overhead, bigger than on Jakku. The air smelled clean. There was a big building off in the distance and I saw the group of Padawans far away. I wriggled in Ben’s arms until he set me down on my feet and reached down to run my fingers through the grass.

Ben sighed. “Great. That’s going to be all over the Temple.” He nudged my hand with his. “Ready?”

We joined hands and a breeze rustled through the grass, brushing my hair from my face. I smiled and leaned my head back, taking in a deep breath until it burned my lungs. Maybe mom and dad would live on Spintir.


	7. That could abash the little Bird

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooo WAAHHAH

Ben led me down a hill to a valley with ten huts made from stones and wood. A wide river drifted by lazily on the other side of the valley and I gasped, grabbing his arm and jumping up and down excitedly. A river—I’d never seen so much water before!

 “Ben!” I squealed, pointing spastically. “Look at it!”

He smiled down at me, brushing my hair back. “Do you want to swim?”

Swim?! I could swim in _water_?! I nodded, and tears welled up in my eyes and I broke down into sobs before a minute passed. It was so overwhelming seeing so much water and grass and breathing air that didn’t make my lungs itchy. Ben murmured sympathetically and scooped me up in his arms, kissing all along my forehead and into my hair. We stood there for a bit until my cries turned to hiccups.

Ben wiped my tears away with two passes of his thumbs. His dark eyes searched mine and he smiled again. “It’s a lot, isn’t it?”

I nodded and my lower lip trembled. He pouted, pitying me, and kissed the tip of my nose, angling me on his hip. I wrung my hands and turned to look at the river again, sniffling.

We went down the hill to the hut first. Ben’s was set apart from the others and Luke’s was in the very center.

Ben opened the door and I squirmed to the ground again to peer inside, insatiably curious. The floor was wood and there was a single window over a sitting space with some chairs and a fireplace. I tiptoed to check out the other three small rooms, one a ‘fresher, the other an empty bedroom, and the last Ben’s bedroom. I nudged open the door and looked around.

There was a bed with green sheets and a nightstand with an oil lamp. He had a desk, too, with some kind of pens and paper, and a dresser with one drawer open that was filled with different colored robes. I wasn’t terribly impressed. I went to the window and leaned on my tiptoes, hoping to see the river.

 “You know, I had all kinds of decorations in my house,” I said. “Trinkets and stuff. You should decorate.”

 “Will you help me?”

I shrugged, scanning the outdoors. “I guess I can.”

Ben stood right behind me and crossed his arms over my chest, holding me against him. I rocked back on my heels and frowned, leaning my head back to look up at him.

 “Do you want to go swim?” he asked.

That was a no-brainer. I nodded eagerly and Ben turned us around. He walked past me to the dresser and took out a black shirt and knelt in front of me with it.

 “So, Rey,” he said, holding my arms so I could step out of my boots, “there are some things that need to be a secret between the two of us. Okay?”

I shrugged. “Okie dokie.” I struggled out of my shirt and casually dropped it on Ben’s head before taking off my pants. “Like what?”

 “What we do together. Showering, sleeping, changing.” He averted his eyes as he pulled the shirt over my head, which draped down past my knees. “I like those things. Do you?”

 “Yep. I’d bite you if I didn’t.”

Ben cupped my face between his hands, suddenly serious, and I didn’t like it. I scowled back at him.

 “I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to do,” he said. “Do you understand?”

I licked one of the thumbs near my mouth, petulant, and nodded. “You can’t. I never do things I don’t want to do.” I tried to nibble the base of his thumb. “If you make me, I’ll bite you.”

He rolled his eyes and smeared my spit on my cheek. “Whatever, kid. Just don’t tell anyone else, okay?”

 “Sure,” I chirped.

We left the hut hand-in-hand. There was still no one else around and twilight was starting to spread across the quiet wilderness. I skipped along beside Ben and raced him up the hill, which proved how fast I was, and we stopped on the shore of the river.

Flashing bugs drifted around us in circles. I let go of Ben’s hand to grab one, pulling from that weird thing I’d felt when we met. He stood quietly beside me while I risked a peek through my fingers to see the bug’s butt was still flashing pink. I looked up at Ben and he smiled back at me.

 “I didn’t know bugs could light up,” I said, opening my fingers to let it fly back into the sky.

Ben nodded. “Aren’t they pretty?”

He waved his hand and the bugs swirled in a slow circle, drifting past me. I twirled around to watch them curl into the air and disperse back into the encroaching darkness as they gently signaled each other. I grabbed Ben’s robe and tugged.

 “How did you do that?!” I asked excitedly.

 “You’ll see. I’m going to show you tomorrow.” He patted my back. “Let’s swim.”

I’d never heard crickets before. Ben explained what they were as he pulled his shirt off and I wandered around trying to find one. The river was slow-moving and trickled quietly past as I meandered down the bank. I crouched at the shoreline and poked the surface with my finger, gasping at the chilly temperature. Ben stood beside me again and I pushed my whole hand under the water.

I looked up at him. “It’s dark. Are there… animals in it?”

Ben brushed my hair back and cupped his hand under my chin. “Nothing that I can’t protect you from.”

That was good enough for me. I stood and reached up for him and he scooped me up like he always did. His bare chest was warm but I thought nothing of it beyond that. I peered curiously over his arms as he walked into the water and pressed closer to him as the water came closer to me. It was cold. I shivered and buried my face in his neck as it nipped at my toes and soon I was submerged up to my chest.

Ben slipped a hand up the back of my shirt, drawing his finger down my spine. He sighed and rested his cheek against my head, turning in small circles in the water. I was mildly terrified and my teeth chattered. I had my arms wrapped around his neck and legs around his waist.

 “Don’t be afraid,” he murmured.

The weird connection between us wavered again, stronger than before. I dug my nails into Ben’s back in anticipation but nothing happened. I frowned and raised my head to look around. His heartbeat felt louder and my nervousness started to fade away into the water—but it wasn’t because I was relaxing. I twisted in his grasp, using his shoulders to keep myself steady, as whispers echoed in my ears.

 “I don’t understand,” I said. I scrunched my nose and shuddered. “I feel sick.”

Ben kissed the edge of my jaw. He lingered, and I felt his tongue brush my skin. “Don’t worry, little one. It’s just me. I’m trying to help.”

I squirmed when he kissed the side of my neck. It tickled. The whispering swirled in my brain and I felt sleepy and dizzy and hot. Ben’s warm breath gave me goosebumps and he kissed my neck again, licking me from between his lips and rolling my skin between his teeth.

 “You said no biting,” I protested, roiling with anxiety under the pressure in my mind.

His lips grazed down my throat to my collar bone and he kissed me again. It tingled and I didn’t understand it and I didn’t like it. I whimpered, too overwhelmed to refuse, and Ben shushed me and drew a wet line of kisses all across my throat. The whispering muddled my thoughts and I panted under the suffocating weight of my increasing fear and confusion; it felt like I was drowning—

 “Ben? Are you up here?”

The sensation snapped back and Ben raised his head. He drifted back to the shore, muttering under his breath, and carried me out of the water. I shivered when he set me down for a minute to put his shirt back on, then he took me into his arms again just as a small group of people crested the hill.

It was dark. The lightning bugs were gone but the crickets were still singing to each other. I clung to Ben and trembled in the cold. I didn’t understand. Why was he kissing my neck?

A pretty girl with dark skin and black hair in thick braids that matched her black robes jogged up to us. She was followed by two younger girls with pale skin, wearing brown robes.

 “Is this Rey?” she asked, smiling up at Ben. She arched on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek, but Ben turned away from her.

 “Yes,” he said tersely. “She’s tired, Aayla.”

Aayla sighed and I felt her fingers touch my hair for a brief second before Ben stepped away.

 “I can totally help you with her,” she said. “Sabe and Kabe are also completely willing to babysit. I’m so excited! This will be such good practice for us.”

 “She’s not a doll, and I don’t need or want your help. Rey is mine.”

 “But Benny—”

 “Don’t call me that,” he snapped. “How many times do I have to tell you?” He shifted me in his arms and started walking. “Rey needs to go to bed and I have to get her clothes.”

Aayla was right behind us. “Oh, we already got them for you! We put them in her room. Can I hold her for like two minutes? She’s so cute; I just want to dress her up and squeeze her little cheeks!”

Ben stopped dead and I felt Aayla bump into him. He held the back of my head.

 “Stop, Aayla,” he said in a low, cold tone. “Rey is _mine_.”

 “But… I just want to help. When we get married—”

 “We’re not getting married.” Ben hesitated before continuing in a quieter voice. “Having a… sleepover… doesn’t mean I’m going to marry you. Get that out of your head. And do not touch Rey again unless I give you permission to do so. She doesn’t like it.”

We started walking away again but Aayla didn’t follow.

Lights flickered in the windows of some of the huts. Ben carried me to his on the fringes of the group and I was relieved to be out of the cold.

The door shut behind us and he brought me into the ‘fresher first. I trembled miserably on the toilet while he started the shower and my arms shook when I raised them to let him take his shirt off me. Ben tugged off his damp shirt, too, and crouched in front of me. I was almost naked, just in underwear.

 “This is one of the things that needs to be a secret,” he said. He held out his pinky and raised his eyebrows. “Promise?”

I nodded and curled my tiny finger around his. He smiled and kissed my forehead before standing up to take his pants off. I’d never seen a man naked before and I openly stared at him, cocking my head. He looked like my book said he would, so everything checked out.

Curious, I reached out for the oddity between his legs. “Why is it so ugly?”

Ben seized my wrist before I could touch him and shook his head quickly. “No touching there. It’s not appropriate.” He tugged me to my feet to take off my underwear and his expression soured. “It’s also not nice to call people’s body parts ugly.”

 “…Well it is,” I grumbled.

He lifted me into the shower and worked my hair free of the ponytails. I dipped my head under the warm water and opened my mouth to drink some of it and Ben sighed heavily. He washed my hair and bent over so I could wash his.

We dried off and Ben dressed me in a pale blue nightgown that went down to my ankles. I yawned and rubbed my eyes, padding behind him to the bedroom, and frowned when he opened the door to the empty one. I didn’t want to sleep alone.

 “Are you mad at me because I called your penis ugly?” I asked, blinking up at him innocently. I remembered the name from my book. It was ugly there, too.

He laughed and led me to the bed with the same green sheets as his. “No, I appreciate your honesty. We can sleep together tomorrow night, okay?”

 “Hmph.” I yanked back the sheets myself and crawled under them, glowering.

 “Don’t pout.”

Ben tucked me in a leaned over to kiss my forehead. I turned my head away and he went for the side of my neck instead, growling and lightly biting me. I squealed and tried to push him away but he pinned down my shoulders and was suddenly straddling me in the small bed. Now I didn’t have to keep my laughter down and I kept shrieking and thrashing underneath him.

He breathed unevenly a few times on my neck, still holding me down while I giggled to myself. I tried to turn my head to bite his ear and scrunched my nose in distaste when I felt his tongue on my skin again. He squeezed my shoulders and the kissing wasn’t the same as before. He made slow, wet movements with his lips and kept licking me like a dog. They weren’t quick pecks.

I squirmed, nervous. “Don’t lick me.”

 “Sorry.” His voice was deeper, rougher. I didn’t like it. “…Is there anything you do like?”

It was beyond me. I flinched away from his mouth near my jaw. “I like swimming and eating.”

 “I know you do. I mean like this.” Ben drew a trail of kisses down my throat to the divot at the bottom. “Do you ever think about it? Did you read anything in your book?”

I shook my head and jerked against his hands on my shoulders. “I don’t like this.” I could feel it again, coming from Ben like a heavy cloud: dark, slimy, and cold. My fingers bunched up the sheets.

 “You haven’t tried it,” he whispered, lips brushing the base of my throat, and it sounded like the strange man’s voice. “Don’t you trust me?”

Then I felt it—like a ray of sunlight in my head. It broke through like it had been there all along waiting for me and I squeezed my eyes shut and thought of the sun in Jakku beating down on the desert sand.

Ben abruptly jerked back and got out of my bed. The darkness disappeared.

He stood there for a minute, staring at me, then shook his head. “Rey… I’m so sorry.” He stumbled back and turned and left my room.

I wiped his spit off my neck and laid awake for a while, basking in the weird light in my mind. I could hear the echo of a man crying in my head. It sounded like Ben.


	8. That kept so many warm -

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i wanted to get this chapter out asap so you guys know i'm not trying to commit character assassination here. i really respect ben as a character, as well as rey, and i don't write kiddie porn or anything, lol
> 
> there will be a time jump shortly--nothing of substance will happen until rey is 16 or so. just wanted to let you guys know. like i said, this is a sensitive subject and i do like a dark story but i don't want to squick anyone out. that's not being edgy, it's just being gross

_“Help me, Supreme Leader.” Crying. It’s a boy… Ben? “Please… Take away this pain. I don’t want to feel this way.”_

_Ben’s eerie whispering friend sighs. “Only the Dark Side can give you the strength to overcome your desires for this scavenger child. Why do you think Skywalker was so eager to help you find her? He needs an excuse to kill you, my young apprentice—and this will be plenty.”_

_“I feel so helpless. She has this power over me. I can’t stand to be separated from her, but then these horrible, beastly thoughts intrude, and I start to think… I…” He starts crying again and I see he’s outside sitting in the grass. “I think no one will notice, anyway, and maybe it’s my destiny to corrupt her.”_

_“Perhaps it is,” the strange man croons. “Only the Dark Side can reveal the answer.”_

_Ben shakes his head. His fingers are knitted together over the back of his neck and he’s rocking back and forth. “I don’t want to hurt her. But she looks at me, and her eyes are so wide and trusting, and I just want to—” He yanks his hair and screams like a wounded animal._

_“Darkness exerts dominion over the Light. It is the way of the Force, young Solo. If you do indulge in this girl, I will not punish you for your natural inclination to dominance. You will be welcomed into the First Order. Skywalker will kill you.”_

_“I won’t hurt her.” Ben’s voice takes a hopeful tone. “I can’t… Right?”_

_“Obey the command of the darkness, pupil. It will show you the truth.”_

My eyes flew open.

I took a deep, gasping breath, wildly searching the room and pouring sweat. It had been so long since I had a nightmare and that was one was really, really scary.

Petrified, I flung my covers off and scrambled out of bed. The hut was a bit chilly and my feet tingled from the cold as I ran across the sitting room to Ben’s bedroom. I struggled with the handle for a second before bursting inside and darting straight to his bed.

He was sleeping on his stomach and groaned when I clambered into his bed without asking. I sandwiched myself between him and the wall for extra safety, squirming under the sheets. One dark eye opened, red and puffy, and he looked very tired.

 “I had a nightmare,” I whispered, struggling closer.

It was still dark. Ben lazily wrapped an arm around me and shifted on his side to pull me against his bare chest. My heart pattered in my chest like a scared rabbit’s and I nuzzled under his chin.

I felt the icky sensation from him again. I scrunched my nose and thought of the sun like before, and it chased away some of the cold, sending it moaning back to wherever it came from. But I could feel more, and it was heavy and scary. I frowned against Ben’s skin and pressed my fingertips to his chest, eyes squeezed shut, and thought of the blinding sun on Jakku.

I didn’t know what I was doing—I just knew I hated the slimy, cold darkness. I couldn’t see it, but I could _feel_ it as much as I could feel Ben’s arm around me. It wasn’t right. It was like a sickness.

The dark screamed this time like it was in pain, shredding apart under the light, and I kept pressing on, intent on making all of it go away. I realized the dark and the slimy thing were different. One was a part of Ben, and the other was like a parasite.

Ben stiffened, then jerked away from me. I scooched closer to touch his chest with my palms and he seized my wrists in both hands, glaring down at me like I’d made him mad.

 “What are you doing?” he demanded.

I blinked. “There’s something gross in you. I’m making it go away.”

 “That _burns_ , Rey. Stop.”

 “But… it’s almost gone!” I twisted my wrists and pushed my feet on his thighs, trying to break free. “You said friends hurt each other sometimes, and it’ll only hurt for a few more minutes!”

Ben rolled over on top of me, straddling my hips again, and restrained both of my hands in one of his. It was easier when I touched him but I could keep going, anyway. I tried to push on his thighs again and reached out towards the darkness again and it shrieked and scattered. The slimy thing dug in deeper, resisting the light, and tried to seep towards me.

 “Rey, s _top!”_ He grabbed my entire jaw in his other hand, leaning close to my face. “You’re hurting me. Do you understand that?”

He was telling me to stop, but something louder told me to keep going. I managed to press the sole of my foot to his hard stomach and the light snarled like a lion and burned deeper. Ben clenched his jaw and all of a sudden, the dark reared up and hissed back like an angry snake. It prickled the same way my arm did when it fell asleep and the slimy, cold thing I hated seeped into me.

 “Stop!” I squealed, struggling to get away. It was overwhelming; I couldn’t even think of the light. I thought I might freeze from the inside out.

 “You don’t like that, do you? Well I didn’t like what you did to me and you didn’t care.” Ben’s grip tightened on my hands and he pressed his forehead to mine. “So don’t do it again.”

The darkness drew back and I could breathe again. It wailed as it slipped back into Ben. The thing I hated burned out of me, too fragile to stay in all the light and heat. It wasn’t the right home for it, like fish couldn’t live on land. The dark in Ben was perfect for it, though. It ate his anger and fear.

Ben let go of me and leaned back on his calves, jaw shifting. He ran a hand through his hair.

 “I’m sorry,” he muttered. “…How did you do that?”

I swallowed hard, trembling, and shrugged. “I… I don’t know. I was trying to help. There’s something living in you.”

 “What do you mean? The darkness?”

 “No… It feels like you’re sick.”

Ben furrowed his eyebrows and started to ask me another question when someone started banging on the front door. He twisted his lips like he was thinking and kept staring at me.

 “BEN SOLO! GIVE ME THAT CHILD!”

Ben groaned and rubbed his face. “Shut up, Jira!”

I yawned as he scooped me out of the bed and carried me out to the sitting area to plop me in a chair. Thinking about the sun had made me really sleepy. I slouched over the table as Ben, still without a shirt, opened the door to let Jira inside.

She was wearing black robes again and pretended to gag. “Gross, put a shirt on. There are _ladies_ present.”

 “I don’t see any,” Ben retorted, shutting the door behind her. “Is Aayla here?”

 “No, she’s already having breakfast and yammering about Rey.” Jira clapped her hands lightly and sidled up to me, beaming. “Speaking of which…”

I yawned. “Can I go back to bed?”

Jira sat next to me and brushed my hair back from my face. “Sorry, Rey, but we start early here. It’s horrible, I know, but Luke is a slave driver. Why isn’t your Padawan dressed, Ben? You’re slacking.”

 “I always slack with Padawans.” Ben scratched my back as he walked past to his bedroom. “Go get dressed, little one.”

 “I don’t wanna,” I mumbled.

 “Don’t be lazy like Ben.” Jira took my hands and waved them in the air while she chanted. “Learning is fun, learning is fun! Especially when you don’t have an unfair advantage as a descendant of Anakin Skywalker!” She said the last part really fast.

 “It’s not unfair!” Ben shouted from his bedroom.

Jira tugged me out of my chair, still chanting. “Yes it is, yes it is, yes it is… Sing with me, Rey!”

I grunted and shuffled into my bedroom with Jira. Maybe I’d been wrong about liking her.

My robes were brown, not like Ben and Jira’s. I waggled my arms in the loose sleeves while Jira twisted my hair into a short braid and hummed to herself. Ben peered into the bedroom and scowled.

 “She doesn’t wear her hair that way,” he said.

Jira tied off the braid. “Okay, mom, you can do her hair tomorrow.”

I shrugged, beaming. “I like braids!”

Ben crossed his arms, obscuring them in his black robe, and his scowl deepened. “…Fine.”

We left the hut together and I gravitated towards Jira. She let me touch her lekku. They felt smooth and soft and she tickled under my chin with one of them. I giggled and took her hand and Ben quietly slipped his fingers into my other hand while I chatted with Jira about my parents. Now I could feel the darkness in Ben very plainly, along with the sickness. He just needed some medicine.

Clouds hovered over Spintir’s surface—at least, they looked like clouds. I ran through them, shivering when my robes dampened, and marveled at water clinging to the grass. Jira talked to Ben and they watched me try to catch the clouds in my hands. Jira turned her hand in small circles and the clouds whirled around me like I was floating in the sky.

The temple came into view. I hesitated and blindly reached out for Ben but felt Jira’s lekku tap the top of my head. I looked up and she gave me an encouraging smile.

 “It’s okay,” she said. “You can do it.”

Ben took my hand. “Don’t push her. She’s delicate.”

 “Only if you keep babying her.” Jira rolled her eyes and slipped her hands in her sleeves. “She grew up on Jakku; she doesn’t need you protecting her from everything.”

 “Yes, she does,” Ben said.

The temple was big. Jira wrestled my hand free from Ben’s, hissing to him about giving me independence, and kept stepping in the way when he tried to reach for me. I wandered ahead of them through the long hallway, following the smell of food, and twiddled my thumbs.

 “You’re making her nervous!” Ben snapped behind me.

 “You’re making her insecure!”

I stopped outside a big doorway and peered inside to see a few tables with some other Padawans in brown robes. They were eating and talking and all kinds of races were sitting together. I swallowed a lump in my throat and edged inside, hovering near the wall. Some of them looked like they were Ben’s age but most looked little like me.

A red-skinned girl Togruta noticed me. She whispered to the boy sitting next to her and jumped up, rushing over to me with a big smile on her face.

 “Hi!” she chirped, stopping a foot in front of me. “My name is Oola. Are you Rey?”

I wrung my hands and nodded. “…Yes.”

Oola took my hand and pulled me away from the wall. “I’m Ben’s other Padawan! I was so excited to meet you when Master Luke said they figured out where you were. Do you like eggs? We have a ton of food and you can eat as much as you want. The cook here is so nice and…”

She kept talking and talking. I followed her to the food and more people came to talk to me while I filled up a plate. They were all nice and complimented my braid and asked about Jakku.

I sat between Oola and Galen, a boy Mirialan, and quickly settled in. I’d hardly noticed Ben’s absence until I felt a pulse of darkness and looked around. He was sitting with Jira, Aayla, and a boy Miraluka who had a visor that hid the eyeless upper part of his face. I waved and Ben smiled and waved back.

We left the dining room and went outside. The sun was shining now and the clouds had disappeared from the grass. Two more people in black robes joined Ben and the other Knights but he kept staring at me and shrugged away from Aayla.

 “Rey.”

I was with Oola and Galen. We all turned to see Luke standing behind us with his hood up. He beckoned me and I trotted over, promising to catch up with my new friends soon.

Luke smiled at me. “How are you doing, little one?”

 “Good!” I glanced over my shoulder to find Ben staring at us. “Thank you for letting me stay here.”

 “Of course.” Luke was looking at me, but I had a feeling he was also paying attention to Ben. “Let’s go for a walk.”

The dark thrust through me again. Ben was upset.

We strolled through the grass to a small hill that overlooked the Padawans and Knights. Each person in black had four people in brown around them, except Ben, who just had Oola. He was sitting cross-legged on the ground, watching her lifting flower petals off the ground with the power we all had.

Luke stood beside me and paused before talking. “Do you like Ben, Rey?”

I nodded quickly. “Yes, he’s very nice to me. He took me swimming last night!”

 “Did he? That sounds fun.”

 “It was. The water was cold, though.” I leaned my head back to let a breeze roll across my skin and took a deep breath. “I think it made Ben sick.”

Luke’s blue eyes flickered to me. “Sick?”

Ben didn’t want me talking about some things, but if he was sick, Luke could get him medicine. I nodded and clasped my hands behind my back and felt Ben’s dark eyes on me.

 “It feels like a parasite,” I said. “It’s slimy and cold and dark. I tried to burn it away, but it digs in and eats bad feelings.” I blinked and looked up at Luke, cocking my head. “Do you have medicine to help?”

He stared back at me. “What bad feelings, Rey?”

 “Um… I don’t know, like anger and fear? He talked to his friend—well, I had a dream where he talked to his friend—and Ben said he was in pain. I don’t like his friend, but Ben said sometimes friends hurt each other. He told Ben you wanted to hurt him.”

 “Do you know this friend’s name?” Luke pressed.

 “Well in my dream Ben called him ‘Supreme Leader.’ What a bad name.”

I felt cold all of a sudden. Ben was standing up and I waved to him. He raised his hand to make the petals dance near my feet and I laughed and tried to catch them.

Luke flicked his fingers and they collapsed. He stepped in front of me, blocking Ben from my sight, and crouched down to look me in the eyes. He seemed scared and serious and I paid attention.

 “Rey,” he said firmly, “I think Ben is sick, too. Can you help me help him?”

I nodded. “Yes.”

The darkness hissed and spit and I knew Ben was coming. Luke grasped my shoulders.

 “If Ben talks to this friend again—if Ben scares you—tell me.” He raised his eyebrows, searching my eyes. “That is the only way we can help him feel better. But you can’t tell him we talked about this, or it will make him upset. Do you understand?”

 “But… he said—”

 “This friend is not a nice person, Rey. He wants to hurt Ben, and he wants to hurt you.”

 “Something wrong, Uncle Luke?”

Luke gave my shoulders another squeeze before rising to turn and face Ben. His black robe was shrouding his whole body and he wasn’t smiling anymore.

I beamed and brushed past the Master to reach up for Ben, waggling my fingers and arching on my tiptoes. He smiled and scooped me into his arms and kissed my forehead. I nuzzled into his neck and closed my eyes. Ben, Ben. I’d help him.

 “Just asking Rey how she likes Spintir,” Luke said. “She’s adjusting well, Ben. Good job.”

The darkness twisted suspiciously as Ben replied. “Oh. Thanks.” He rubbed my back and turned away. “It’s time for me to start her lesson. Thanks for your help finding her, uncle.”

 “Of course. I’m always here for you.”

We left Luke standing alone on the hill. Ben sat in the grass and watched Oola and I play, shrieking with laughter and using the power—which I now knew was called the Force—to make leaves and petals dance. The slimy thing dug deeper.


	9. Rust & Stardust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohhhh hohohohoho

Time trickled on. My days were spent learning how to use the Force and training with a wooden staff to prepare me for a lightsaber and my nights were spent lying in bed with Ben chatting about how I loved all my friends. He refused to be more than ten feet away from me and would sit outside Oola and my friend Senni’s room while we played and braided each other’s hair.

Ben didn’t like Galen. He’d stand extra close to me and glare down at him until Galen slunk away to hang out with the other boy Padawans. He wouldn’t let anyone besides Jira style my hair and refused to let Owen, the Miraluka Knight, show me how to use the Force to see instead of my eyes.

The slimy thing grew and Ben grew angrier. He’d shouted at Aayla when she touched my hair one day and almost attacked Sabe and Kabe when they helped me learn how to stand when I swung a lightsaber. He barely ate anymore and lost weight. Sometimes when I saw him sitting in his black robe in the dark I thought he looked like a vampire.

Lots of times he’d sit alone and meditate. He stopped kissing me and would spend hours in his bedroom crying and moaning and I would listen curiously. Jira snuck me out more and more so I could play with Oola and Senni and she’d just watch us and smile. Luke would sit with her, too, and they’d talk quietly.

My 13th birthday came in a few months—at least, according to what Unkar Plutt had told me. It was a cool day and the leaves were turning brown and falling on the ground. I ate cake and played with my friends and Ben sat in a corner and watched from under his hood.

 “That was fun!” I chirped, holding his hand while we strolled back to the hut.

It was dark. Lightning bugs buzzed around us, gently flickering, and Ben squeezed my hand.

 “You’re getting bigger.”

 “Yes.” I tugged the front of my robe to look down it at my developing breasts. “It hurts a little.”

Ben laughed. I hadn’t heard it in weeks. “Growing pains.”

Crickets chirped as we strolled through the darkness, only illuminated by Spintir’s small moon. Ben tugged me closer to his side and hesitantly kissed the top of my head. My skin tingled.

 “I’m sorry, Rey,” he said. “I’ve been so distant, but… I think it’s what’s best. I don’t want to hurt you.”

I shrugged and leaned my head on his arm. “I understand. Is it because you’re sick?”

 “…Yes. It’s hard to fight it and I don’t want to pass it to you.”

 “I never get sick! Must be from my parents.”

 “Must be,” Ben said after a pause.

We sat on a hill across from one another, taking turns manipulating the lightning bugs and spinning them into the air. I’d gained a lot of my skills from Ben. It was easy, like breathing. A breeze rustled between us and scattered the glowing insects into the sky.

 “Are you afraid of me, Rey?” Ben whispered.

I shook my head quickly, grasping his hands. “No, never. I love you.”

It seemed natural to say it, but I felt a flicker of surprise in Ben. He raised his head and the hood slipped back, and I could finally see his dark, sad eyes. His throat bobbed and tears spilled down his cheeks.

 “I love you, too,” he managed. “So much. I don’t know what to do with it.”

The slime was there. I shifted closer and searched his eyes. Our definitions of love were different, but I didn’t realize it. I wanted to cure him of his sickness.

 “I can burn it away,” I said. “The thing in you.”

 “It’s too painful—and I need it. I’m afraid of what I’ll do without it.”

Without it? He’d be happy again. He wouldn’t avoid me and talk to himself and cry. His mind wouldn’t be poisoned by a parasite and the creepy friend he’d made would fade into nothing. But I was young, and I didn’t want to offend him. I shrugged and smiled.

 “Okay,” I said.

We sat quietly for a long time and listened to the crickets. Ben drew his fingertips up and down my arms in sweeping motions and kept crying while I laughed and shivered from the sensation. I didn’t understand the pull of the darkness—the powerful emotion and pain and passion. I was all light and joy and freedom from such things. I clambered into his lap, pained by his agony.

 “Why do you hurt so much?” I asked, wrapping my legs around his waist.

Ben laughed bitterly. “I don’t know.” He curled his arms behind my back and squeezed me to his chest, chin hooked over my head. “I’m trying to make it stop.”

I didn’t say anything for a while, just silently considered the darkness and the slime in him. Then I leaned back and took his cheeks between my hands.

 “You’re so sad,” I said. “So lonely… like me. Your friend won’t help you, Ben.” I drew my thumbs down his wet cheeks and reddened. “But… But I can.”

 “You’re too young to worry about these things. It’s not your responsibility.”

Yet the same thing that told me to burn away the dark slime in Ben whispered that it was. I stared at him and felt something new. I wanted to kiss his mouth. I licked mine, searching his dark, tormented eyes, and chastely kissed Ben on the lips.

I drew back fast but he cupped the back of my head to continue. His lips were soft and eager and he held me tight as he deepened the kiss by sweeping his tongue across my mouth.

My body reacted strongly. I wrapped my arms around Ben’s neck, dizzy, and slipped my tongue through his lips. He groaned and returned the gesture and I could feel the parasite rouse. It slithered towards me; always hungry, always seeking out the next conflicted victim…

 “Ben?!”

We broke apart and glanced towards the voice.

Jira was standing a few feet away, staring at us in wide-eyed horror. She covered her mouth and shook her head as Ben struggled to find his words. For the first time, I realized we had done something wrong.

She took a few long steps and yanked me out of his lap. “I think Rey should stay with me for a while.”

I stumbled, trying to get my footing, and hung my head. Ben stood up and followed us as Jira pulled me along down the hill towards the huts. She was still covering her mouth and she started crying as Ben tried to explain what happened. I didn’t know what to say.

We stopped in front of her hut and she bent over to look in my eyes. I was crying too.

 “Go inside,” she said. “I’ll be there soon.”

Ben tried to stop me, but Jira stepped in his path and shoved him back. I hurried inside her small hut and sat down by the door to hide my face in my knees and cry.

 “Jira, it was an accident,” he said.

 “She’s thirteen, Ben! I could throw up.” Her voice cracked and she sobbed again. “I have to tell Luke.”

 “No—no! It was one time and it was a mistake. Just… just take her for a while and I’ll stay away. Okay?”

Jira didn’t respond; she was beside herself. Ben paused, then said ‘okay?!’ again in a more desperate voice. I was trembling and wanted to puke, just like Jira did.

She sniffled. “Fine. But you stay the hell away from her, Ben Solo. And me.”

We didn’t talk about it. Jira let me sleep in her bed and she slept on the floor, trying not to cry. Ben told me they grew up together on Coruscant, and Jira’s mom was a Senator just like Ben’s. Jira told her parents about her girlfriend when she was my age and they kicked her out—but Ben begged Luke to let her come to the Academy, even though she had a weak affinity for the Force.

She helped him make friends and he trained her every day until she was the second youngest Knight after Ben. They were best friends, and now she didn’t want to speak to him again.

Jira stuck to her guns and kept me away from Ben. She didn’t say anything to Luke or anyone else. I started spending all my time with her, Oola, Senni, and now Galen, since Ben wasn’t around to scare him away. Jira requested to take on Oola as another Padawan because Ben was spending more and more time on trips away from Spintir.

But our bond didn’t waver. I could still feel the sickness in him. I kept quiet, afraid of what Luke would do if I admitted the truth. I wanted to see Ben again and I knew he’d be gone forever if I said I could still hear the whispers of Ben’s friend and they were scaring me even more.

Time wore on. I grew even taller and Jira told me I’d be promoted to a Knight and make my own lightsaber when I turned sixteen. She wasn’t as strong with the Force as I was, so Luke took over teaching me different techniques while Jira taught me how to defend myself. I became more and more powerful and the light in me was brighter than ever before. Ben shrank from it.

My fourteenth birthday came and went. I was gangly and pretty, and Jira took over Ben’s duties of shooing away boys. Sometimes it felt like I’d never known him, until I felt echoes of darkness.

Three years of living on Spintir passed before I’d known it. I didn’t think much of my parents anymore, or Ben. I was set to go to Christophsis on my sixteenth birthday to find my own kyber crystal and make my lightsaber. Three years since Ben had been following my every step and almost two since I’d seen his face. I was tall and strong from all my training and wildly popular with my friends.

 “Hey, Rey!”

Oola and I were sitting on the riverbank, dangling our feet in the cold, dark water. We turned at the sound of Jira’s voice and waved. She wore off-white robes now. Luke had promoted her to a Master in Ben’s absence. No one had heard from him in ages.

 “What’s up?” I asked, beaming as she sat on the other side of me.

She hadn’t aged much. Jedi weren’t supposed to marry but Luke turned a blind eye to her relationship with Aayla. Yeah, that was happening.

 “Just so excited for our trip!” she squealed. She pulled off her boots to dip her green feet in the water and hugged me. “You’ll be a fancy new Knight and have your own lightsaber!”

 “I want to go,” Oola whined.

 “Only when Luke says it’s time.” Jira stroked one of her lekku and closed her eyes, smiling. “I can’t believe how big you are—and that I’m almost thirty. Ick.” She leaned her head on my shoulder and sighed. “Now you’ll wear black and go on missions with all of us and have your own Padawans.”

I was the youngest Knight to be promoted after Ben and Jira. The typical age was about twenty. Oola and Senni were still a way off, as was Galen, who was sort of kind of my boyfriend. I didn’t like labels and… I was secretly holding out. I had plans to leave Spintir when I was a Knight to search for Ben, but I didn’t tell anyone that—even Jira.

I stretched my arms towards the immaculate blue sky. “How are Owen and the other Knights doing?”

 “Not sure,” Jira said. “I haven’t heard from them in a while. But it’s pretty normal for us to kind of spread our wings when we get older.”

Oola nudged me with her elbow. “Felt anything from your lover?”

Sometimes I’d hear things in my sleep. Ben’s voice in hushed tones, like he knew I could hear him. The ‘friend’ he had would speak in a dark, rattling whisper. I’d feel pulses of emotion.

Jira scowled and raised her head to glare at Oola. “Shut up. Ben Solo is no one’s ‘lover.’ He’s a creepy, gross, sick—”

 “Um… Master Jira?”

We all turned to see a new Padawan, Max, standing on the crest of the sunny hill. He looked very pale; almost ashen. All three of us instinctively rose and Jira touched her lightsaber.

 “What’s wrong?” she asked. “Is there danger?”

Max swallowed hard. “…Maybe. Ben Solo is here… with five of the other Knights.”

It felt like my heart fell into my stomach. Jira’s eyes widened and Oola gasped, quickly grabbing my arm like she thought I might fall over. Ben?

Jira straightened. “Uh—fine. Master Luke is away on Coruscant, so I guess… this falls to me.” She fingered her lightsaber again and glanced at me. “Want to come, Rey?”

I nodded stiffly and pulled on my boots. Oola hurried to do the same and snatched my arm again as we walked up the hill, following Max. I’d be okay. It had been a few years, and I was older and mature now. Heck, I was about to be a Knight, too. He couldn’t pick me up and carry me anymore or hold my hand or scare boys away. I was practically an adult, dangit.

We walked down the hill and Jira brushed past Max to lead us. There was already a small crowd gathered around a ship by the huts. Oola tugged me closer and Senni joined us.

 “It’s Owen and the others,” she whispered. “Something’s not right.”

The darkness festered not far away. I flinched, still detecting the sickness in Ben. It was stronger, more potent. Something was definitely wrong.

The crowd parted for Jira, who looked imposing in her robes and had a cold look on her face. Aayla leaned up to whisper in her ear and kissed her cheek. My heart pounded faster as the group split and I could see a small group of people in black standing near the ship.

They weren’t wearing their Knight robes. They had black shirts and pants with black capes hooded over their heads, obscuring their faces, and black gloves and boots. All black and imposing. You couldn’t see an inch of skin. They were all wearing helmets.

I stopped dead by the edge of the crowd, pained by the intense darkness. They were all Dark, but it was particularly powerful near the center of the group. Senni and Oola held me up and I stared as the one in the center of the group rose from kneeling on the ground.

He turned to face us and was wearing a horrible black and silver helmet that made him look like a demon. Jira squared off and unclipped her lightsaber to draw the humming green blade as the monster calmly approached her. There were only three other Knights currently, and they flanked her with their own blue lightsabers. Padawans whispered nervously.

Deep, humorless laughter came from the man. “Don’t you recognize me, Jira? I’m a little hurt.”

 “I was told Ben Solo is here,” she replied with equal frigidity. “Is he your captive?”

The man reached up to the mask and the hiss of a vacuum seal drifted through the silent crowd. He lifted the helmet from his head and I nearly fainted when I saw a shock of black hair.

Ben stared down at Jira, unsmiling and pale. “Not anymore.”


	10. Out of the night that covers me,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOOOOHOHOHOHO THE CLIFFHANGERS ARE REAL
> 
> also i suck at responding to comments but y'all are awesome and i love u

 “…Ben?” Jira whispered.

The other Knights began removing their helmets, too. Owen was right behind Ben, along with Brendol and Arvel, the other two Knights who had recently disappeared. There were two women who I didn’t recognize along with a newly minted Knight named Daine. None of them were smiling. Their eyes were dark and empty and their varying shades of skin all looked pale.

Something was clearly not right. We knew most of them but… didn’t.

Jira twisted the hilt of her lightsaber, refusing to sheath the blade. “Why are you here?”

Ben passed his helmet to Arvel and fluttered his cape so we could see the hilt of his lightsaber. He had two: the one he’d inherited from Anakin and another with a strange cross guard. It was meant to be a subtle warning to Jira to watch her step.

The other Padawans began drifting in front of me so I was obscured from Ben’s dark eyes as he casually ringed around the edge of the group. We all knew who he was here for.

I stared, barely breathing. He looked taller, older, and… mean. The sadness was gone, replaced with stoicism and icy arrogance. It was hard to think that his impassive face had ever been lit up with warmth or laughter. It was like being in the presence of an android.

 “One of my Padawans is being promoted,” Ben said in a deep, slow tone. “Traditionally, the Knight escorts the Padawan to Christophsis to select a kyber crystal—and the Jedi do love their traditions. Isn’t that right, Master?”

I shrank back. This was _not_ Ben. I didn’t want to go anywhere with him.

Oola stepped in front of me and Senni mouthed for me to run. The other Padawans were closing in, trying to help me escape. I could hardly see Ben over the tops of their heads.

 “You were given express instruction to stay away from Rey,” Jira replied. She glanced at the other five Knights and her expression tightened. “If you’d like, I can fetch Master Luke.”

 “Luke is not here.” Ben continued slowly circling the throng of Padawans, studying them. “He’s on Coruscant, with Han Solo and Leia Organa. But I do know my Padawan is here. I can sense her.”

Oola drew away from me and made her way to the front of the crowd. I reached for her, but Senni slapped my hand down and pushed me back. Her eyes were wide and scared.

The three Knights tried to stop her, but Oola broke out of the group and stood firmly in Ben’s line of sight. I couldn’t see much other than his eyes turn curiously to regard her. Her body was trembling.

 “Go back, Oola!” Jira snapped.

 “No.” Oola shook her head. “I’m… I’m not ready to be promoted, B-Ben.”

He paused in walking and raised an eyebrow. “Then clearly I’m not speaking of you.”

Jira stepped between Oola and Ben, raising her lightsaber. “Rey isn’t here, either. She went with Luke.” She shoved Oola back into the Knights and scowled. “And I don’t have to tell you how unwelcome your presence will be on Corsucant.”

 “No, she didn’t.” Ben closed his eyes and I stiffened when I felt the darkness whisper through my mind. “Rey… I know her. I sense her. She is _mine_.”

His last word echoed in my head and I stumbled backwards into another Padawan. They helped me up and pointed to a hut I could slip past and hide behind. I panted in fear and felt the stony edge of the building. He hadn’t made any threats, but we could all feel the heavy pressure of the Dark Side.

Galen ejected out of the crowd next. He had grown tall and had some Mirialan tattoos from his home world. He stepped right up to Ben, unflinching.

 “Rey is _my_ girlfriend,” Galen said defiantly. “Whatever you want to say to her can go through me.”

Galen—idiot! As I clung to the edge of the hut, scared out of my mind, I realized I was being a huge coward. How could I be promoted when I ran and hid while everyone else protected me? Oola, Senni, Jira… They all accepted me without question and gave me friendship and safety and comfort.

I clenched my jaw and shakily straightened up to start making my way through the crowd. Luke always said that fear was normal: your response to fear determined your character.

Ben turned his icy glare on Galen. “Is she now?” He slipped a hand into his cape and in one fluid motion, a bloody red lightsaber snarling with heat stained the grass. “Tell me more, Padawan.”

Frightened gasps swept through the crowd. Jira grabbed Galen by the collar and flung him to the ground, standing over him with her lightsaber humming at the ready. The other Knights eyed the group in helmets and shifted their stance.

Ben blinked innocently. “Oh—my lightsaber. Do you like it?” He twirled the weapon and it crackled through the air.

I hesitated near the middle of the group, eyes widening. A red lightsaber. That meant…

 “Is that what you’ve been doing?” Jira demanded. Her lightsaber trembled. “Turning your back on all of us? Helping Supreme Leader Snoke? I can’t believe you’d do this after everything Luke went through—and Anakin!”

All eyes turned to Ben. He raised an eyebrow, still emotionless, and drew back his lightsaber. He shrugged so his cape encased his entire body again and resumed scanning the crowd. Jira’s outburst didn’t affect him in the least.

 “I haven’t been helping Snoke,” he said after a moment of silence. He was reaching out for me, calling through our bond. “We had a bit of a… falling out.”

 “A severance, even,” Owen said with a smug glance at Ben.

Jira pointed her saber in Ben’s face. “Explain yourself!”

I was close to the edge of the crowd when his eyes finally fell upon me. We both took a sharp breath and it was like everything around us faded away. All I saw was Ben, and all I could feel was the bizarre sensation that the light in me was inexplicably drawn to the dark in him.

Mesmerized, I teetered forward a step. The other Padawans whispered as I drifted past them towards Ben’s impossibly dark eyes and I saw a flicker of hope flash across his pale face.

Jira turned as I emerged from the throng and she grabbed my arm to stop me. Her touch snapped me out of my reverie and both Ben and I blinked like we had just woken up. I could feel it in him still—the slimy thing, rooted deep into Ben. Snoke’s voice was gone, but somehow, he remained.

Ben’s throat bobbed and his mouth twisted like it always did when he was nervous. He held out a gloved hand, extending his long fingers to me.

 “Rey,” he said, staring at me. “Little one. I have so much to tell you.”

 “I’ll cut that hand off so you match the other Skywalker men!” Jira snapped.

Ben ignored her and strained towards me. “Please, Rey. Come with me.”

There was nothing I wanted more than to accept and disappear with him, but I could still feel the sickness in him. I lingered beside Jira and shook my head, still looking into his eyes.

 “I can’t,” I whispered. “I’m sorry.”

The rest happened in the blink of an eye.

Ben’s expression flattened and he curved his fingers to fling Jira’s lightsaber off into the distance. She immediately reached for his saber with the Force, but Ben paralyzed her, dragging his former best friend down to her knees. The Knights behind her advanced but Ben’s also restrained them with the Force and all the defense Spintir had was kneeling on the ground.

The Padawans panicked and began to back up. Half of them could barely lift a rock with the Force and the others had no chance of defeating a Knight. I managed to seize Anakin’s lightsaber when Ben was distracted by Jira struggling against his hold and ignited the weapon for the first time.

It was surprisingly light and I could feel the pulsations of the Force running through it. I held it over my shoulder and swallowed hard, glaring Ben down. One of the female Knights moved to attack but Ben held a hand up to stop her. He eyed me with mixed amusement and… something foreign.

 “Are you going to kill me, Rey?” Ben asked, raising his eyebrows.

I twisted my hands on the hilt. “I… I don’t know. I will!”

 “No, you won’t. You don’t have it in you.” He idly ripped the saber from my hands with a flick of his fingers and it clipped to his hip. “Jira did an excellent job of keeping you the same innocent little girl I plucked from Jakku.” He glanced down at her and turned his hand maliciously to make her gasp in pain. “Thank you, Master Jira.”

I knew exactly how to make him stop. I started towards Ben to burn him with the light, but he paralyzed me, too, opting to draw me to him instead of forcing me to the ground. It hurt. It was like ice chewing on my muscles, freezing the blood in my veins.

Ben released Jira and another Knight quickly paralyzed her yet again. He had both hands free to brush my hair back from my face as I stood in front of him, trembling from the strain of the paralysis, and his dark, hungry eyes searched my face. I tried to swallow and my lower lip quivered.

 “No,” he murmured, “no, no.” He cupped my cheeks in his cold gloves and smiled slightly. “Don’t cry. I’m not going to hurt you. But you a _re_ coming with me. And when we come back… I think the Knights and I may stay for a while to offer Luke some friendly advice.”

 “You…” It was hard to talk but not impossible. “You… monster…”

 “We’ll discuss that later. For now, you and I have a trip to take. Alone.”

I glared defiantly as Ben swept his fingers through the air near my face. The light faded as I fainted right then and there with no further pretense.


	11. Black as the pit from pole to pole,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so cheesy

_“…Rey.”_

_It was quiet… peaceful. I was floating in nothingness; blank, empty space that was neither black or white. A strange voice spoke to me from beyond the void, but I couldn’t see a thing._

_“Hello?” I called._

_“Hello, little one. I see your awakening is progressing.” It sounded androgynous, like a man and a woman at the same time. “I know you’ve suffered, Ashla—but the road ahead will be increasingly difficult. You must reconcile the Dark and the Light with Gray, no matter the pain it causes you.”_

_I twisted and found I didn’t have much room to move. It was warm… kind of like the descriptions of the womb in my book._

_“I don’t understand,” I said. “Please—”_

 “Wake up, little one.”

The dream or vision or whatever it was faded into nothing. I blinked and groaned as I came to, squirming underneath sheets on a firm mattress. The ceiling overhead split into a few images before fading back to one dark piece with a single lamp illuminating the darkness. What a spectacular sixteenth birthday.

Ben was sitting beside my bed in a chair. He had the helmet on and was leaning forward, watching me sleep. I tried to sit up and realized he had handcuffed my wrists to the headboard. I yanked on them and slid up towards the pillows to find I was wearing one of Ben’s shirts and nothing else. It ended just past my knees. My cheeks reddened and I sank back down underneath the safety of the covers.

“Take that ridiculous thing off,” I snapped, trying to hide my anxiety.

He didn’t budge. “Why?” He tilted his head, cold and evil. “What do you think you’ll see?”

 “I don’t care. It makes you look like a moron.”

Ben tilted his head, but complied, removing the hideous thing with another hiss of pressure. He flipped his black hair back and I noticed it was more coiffed than usual. So now he was bad _and_ conceited.

His face was narrower—gaunt, like he was hungry. He casually placed the helmet on the floor and leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms. I glared at him and clenched my jaw.

 “Explain yourself,” I demanded. “What have you been doing? Are you a Sith now? Are your friends going to hurt Jira and the others? And what happened to Snoke?”

He raised an eyebrow. “I’ve been honing my natural inclination to the Dark Side, but no, I’m not a Sith. They won’t harm them. I didn’t travel to Spintir with the intent of committing a massacre. They’re merely keeping an eye on things until I return.”

 “I’ll hurt you if any of them are hurt.” I yanked on the restraints, scowling.

 “I know. They won’t be.” Ben cocked his head and eyed my arms. “I’m sorry for the handcuffs, but we both know what will happen if you touch me. I can’t risk it.”

I twisted my wrists. “What happened to Snoke, Ben? Was that the friend I always heard you talking to—the sickness?”

 “He’s dead. And yes, he was, to both of your questions.”

 “But… how did you…?”

Ben rocked back on his chair, staring at me. “We had a discussion recently, about this ‘sickness’ you detect in me. Snoke revealed that it was his doing—that he had been twisting our bond since the day we met on Jakku to stoke the conflict in me. I assumed killing him would destroy it—yet, it remains.”

 “How did you…” I tried to ask my question again, hesitating on the word ‘kill.’ I couldn’t imagine Ben hurting anyone. Killing someone, even a creature like Snoke, was out of the question.

 “What?” He dropped the chair back to all four feet and leaned towards me. “Say it.”

The thought of Ben using his lightsaber to end a life was so deeply upsetting that my eyes filled with tears. He was so gentle and patient when I was younger, doting on me and joking around with Jira while I played in the grass with Oola. Now he was a scarred beast covered in black from head to toe like he was afraid to let the light touch his skin.  

I couldn’t wipe the tears away as they ran down my cheeks. “I don’t understand, Ben. How could you… How could you kill someone? Why did you do it?”

He pulled his lightsaber to his hand without looking away from me or blinking. I flinched at the sight of it, black with a red cord up the outer edge and a flared cross guard. It was crudely made and looked like it could fall apart at the slightest touch.

 “With this,” Ben said. “Luke tells you these are meant for self-defense—but it’s an instrument of progress.”

 “…Progress?”

 “Peace and restraint cause stagnation. Death is a powerful dynamic catalyst; it allows us to rise ever upward. It is the only way we can change, or grow, or heal.”

Ben shifted out of his chair to sit on the edge of the bed and I stiffened when he brushed the business end of the lightsaber down my cheek. It was cold and smelled like burnt metal.

 “You didn’t answer my question,” I stammered, eyeing the hilt.

 “I did, but I suppose it’s a bit too esoteric for someone your age.” The saber slipped under my chin and Ben used it to tilt my eyes up to his. His gaze flickered to my lips. “He wanted me to bring you to him to complete my training… And while he explained what that entailed in graphic detail, I grew angrier and angrier until I found myself… ah… freeing his head from his shoulders.”

I swallowed hard. “How were you supposed to complete your training?”

Ben searched my eyes like he was deciding if he could tell me. My pulse quickened.

 “No,” he murmured, leaning away from me, “I won’t tell you that.”

 “Why?”

 “You don’t need to hear it.”

Ugh—treating me like a baby again. I rolled my eyes.

 “Fine. Then let me out of these restraints.”

Ben tapped the saber on his open palm. “Will you attack me?”

 “No.”

He regarded me silently for another few moments before making a subtle sweeping gesture with his fingers. The handcuffs clicked open and I winced as I rubbed the blood back into my wrists. My arms tingled like static.

Neither of us spoke. I had no idea what to say to him—it was like an endless abyss yawned between us. This wasn’t the Ben who painstakingly brushed my hair and taught me how to use the Force to dance with flower petals and leaves. This wasn’t the Ben who braided my hair at night after we went to bed while I gabbed about how I imagined my parents. And it certainly wasn’t the Ben who saved me from living my life alone in a desert hellscape.

I glanced up at him. “Can I see your lightsaber?”

Ben knew I didn’t have the guts to attack him with it. He passed the weapon to me and I was surprised by how heavy it felt compared to Jira’s. I turned it in my hands, studying the complex circuitry. Scavenging had been the only way to survive on Jakku and I knew machinery well but picking it apart didn’t give me pleasure. It just reminded me of my days spent crying from hunger and loneliness.

 “Why does it look like this?” I asked. “It’s… raw.”

 “I built it without the aid of the Force. Yours will look like this.” He willed his ancestral saber to him and handed it to me, too.

Anakin’s was very light. I balanced them in my hands, comparing their differences, and Ben quietly watched. The darkness rolled off him like smoke trying to obscure the toxin deep within.

 “Why did you go this way?” I asked softly. I met his eyes, holding back tears again. “I don’t understand. Why did you hurt Jira? Why did you disappear?”

 “I needed the power that the Dark Side offers, and I already had an affinity for it. And… Jira made it clear that she wanted me to stay away from both of you.”

The Force swelled in me, blurring black, and tossed the lightsabers across the room without me moving an inch. I kept staring at him and my lower lip quivered. The tears drizzled down my cheeks and beaded at my chin, dripping into my lap.

 “But I needed you,” I said, choking back a sob. “You could’ve come back. I… I waited for you. I’d sit on the hill by the river for hours and try to listen for you, but you shut me out. I was going to find you after I was promoted—I thought you were lost, but I didn’t realize how wayward you’d gone.”

Ben reached for me with one of his horrible, cold gloved hands. “Rey—”

 “Don’t touch me with those!” I hissed, jerking back. I wiped my eyes with my forearms and now I was really sobbing. “I hate you! You knew I could’ve helped you!”

 “I couldn’t stay near you anymore, Rey.” He hastily peeled off his gloves and grabbed my arm, yanking me towards him. “You don’t understand what Snoke was doing to my mind—and I had no idea until he enlightened me a handful of days ago. If I stayed any longer, I would’ve hurt you.”

 “Liar! You were always like this! I sensed it in you on Jakku when you were pretending to be Luke’s innocent nephew while talking to the enemy behind his back!”

Ben seized my other arm to force me to look at him. “I’m not talking about the Dark Side. I’m taking about…” He hesitated, Adam’s apple bobbing. “I had… urges… that were hard to control. If Jira hadn’t caught me on your birthday, I… I had to get away from you, and it became clearer the longer I was away. Whatever Snoke poisoned me with was driving me to do harmful, horrible things.”

I shook my head and kept crying. “I hate you! I HATE YOU! You LEFT ME!”

 “Rey, I think you can help me now that you’re older, and—”

It was so overwhelming—I started thinking of how my parents left me; how they sold me to Unkar Plutt and walked away without a second glance. I thought of the last time I saw Ben when I was fourteen; just his back as he walked away without a word. I screamed and struggled and the Light leapt to protect me.

Snarling and crackling like fire, it jolted from me and flooded the Dark in Ben. The darkness shrieked and wailed in agony and drove back to the deep, unsettling place where it originated, and Ben growled in pain. The Dark reared up like it had all those years ago, hissing and spitting like a snake, and the two met in a gray cataclysm of heat and cold and fire and water.

But for whatever reason—maybe because Ben was older and more in tune with his proclivities—the darkness swept through me and snuffed out the Light.

I draped over into Ben’s lap and kept crying miserably, clawing at his shirt, trembling from the weight of my emotions. It had been so long since I’d felt much emotion at all, other than the peaceful passivity of living on Spintir. It was cathartic, in a way, but scary and confusing all the same.

He groaned and pulled me into his lap where I could still curl up into a ball against his chest. His arms wrapped around me and he laid his cheek on the top of my head like he always did when I cried at home in our little hut. It had been perfectly saccharine and he _ruined it_.

 “I’m sorry, little one,” Ben whispered. “I won’t leave you again.”

I wanted to believe him, but I didn’t think I could. There were so many alien things about him now. It was like getting to know a new person who had a whole life I hardly knew.

Still, as I dozed off amid hiccups and sniffles, I knew I could at least recognize Ben Solo’s heartbeat thrumming underneath my palm—and that was enough for now.


	12. I thank whatever gods may be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quick question: would you guys prefer:
> 
> 1\. more frequent updates but shorter chapters (chapter length 1.5-2.5k words; updates every day/every other day)  
> or  
> 2\. longer chapters but less frequent updates (chapter length 3k words+; updates every 2-3 days, maybe longer)

After a few minutes I slipped away from Ben and paced across the cold floor in my bare feet. It wasn’t foreign being half-naked in front of him, but it had taken on a different dimension now that I wasn’t a prepubescent child anymore. He openly watched me, dark eyes scanning back and forth as I chewed my nails and occasionally sniffled.

 “What are you going to do when we get back?” I asked.

 “Remain on Spintir for some time to assess the other Padawans for Dark Side tendencies. They may be of use to the First Order. After that, you will come with me as we overthrow the Republic and rule the galaxy together.”

 “…I don’t want to do that.”

Ben’s gaze lingered on my legs. “You’ll come to accept it. General Hux is keeping things running in my absence but I intend to return within the next few months. With you.”

I leaned on the wall and crossed my arms, shivering. “I’m not doing it. I’m not hurting people.”

 “You don’t have to hurt anyone, my love.” He rose from the chair and sauntered over to stand right in front of me. “Protecting you from having to do such things is my responsibility.”

I stared up at him. “I’m not going with you, Ben. I don’t want to rule anyone or overthrow anything. I want to live on Spintir and become a Master and help people.”

Ben curled a stray lock of hair behind my ear and cupped my chin in his hand. He drew his calloused thumb across my lips and shifted closer to me so I had to uncross my arms. I settled my palms on his chest and felt his heart thumping underneath, slow and steady, while mine fluttered against my ribs. Heat bloomed in my cheeks and prickled up to my ears. I’d never felt like this around Galen.

 “Who was the little boy?” Ben asked. “The Mirialan?”

I blinked. “…Um. Galen?”

He continued tracing my lips with the tip of his thumb, gazing at them. “Your boyfriend?”

 “I mean, kind of. He’s nice. He went back to his home world a few months ago to get more tattoos.”

Ben nodded like he was mildly interested. “I see. Have you kissed him?”

We did a couple of times, but I didn’t really want to tell Ben that. I shrugged halfheartedly and had the lie in my mouth but the truth came out instead.

 “Yes,” I blurted.

 “…Oh. Did you like it?”

 “I guess?” I shifted my weight on my feet, nervous. It was weird trying to talk against his thumb. “It was okay. We just pecked on my birthdays when Jira wasn’t looking.”

 “Jedi aren’t supposed to do those things, Rey. Did you know that?”

I’d stopped the biting thing a long time ago. For some reason, maybe my anxiety combined with Ben brushing his thumb over my mouth, I growled under my breath and lightly bit the tip of it.

He stared at me, unmoving, my teeth ringed around his thumbnail. I quickly regained my senses and my eyes widened but Ben hooked his other fingers around the back of my jaw and wormed his thumb deeper into my mouth. It tasted like salt. I frowned and tried to grab his wrist but he leaned closer, pushing against me, and shook his head.

 “Suck,” he said. “Use your tongue.”

 “Why?” I asked, slurring when he pressed his thumb on my tongue.

Ben dipped his lips to my ear and I felt something hard on my stomach. I fisted his shirt until my knuckles turned white.

 “Because I told you to,” he murmured.

His breath was warm and I squeaked when he nibbled the fleshy part of my ear and sucked it into his wet mouth. I did what he said and awkwardly began sucking on his thumb like I used to on my own as a baby. Ben groaned and kissed the edge of my jaw and my skin tingled. He maneuvered his thumb a bit, guiding my movements, and I panted as his lips drew a wet line down the side of my throat.

Soon he was slipping spit out of my mouth to wipe across my lips and chin and I started drooling as time went on. I was lightheaded and hot and Ben’s mouth lingered on my neck like it had in the river all those years ago. But this time he rolled my skin through his teeth until I whimpered and arched against him.

 “What have I told you about biting?” Ben’s voice was deeper and rougher than usual. My heart skipped a beat.

I swallowed, trying to control my saliva. “Not to do it?”

 “Mhmm.” He kissed to my collar bone, bending slightly to reach. “And what about trying to burn me?”

 “…Not to do it.”

Ben hooked his thumb in the divot behind my front bottom teeth and leaned up from my neck. He bent so we were eye level and I stared into his mesmerizing dark eyes. The sickness oozed from within him, reaching out for me like it did on my 13th birthday, and the bloated darkness that was Ben’s entire being hungrily strained towards the light in me.

He cocked his head, frowning. “And you decided to kiss boys while I was gone—when you were told not to. I think you need to be punished. Does that sound fair?”

I nodded once. It was like I was hypnotized. I couldn’t talk with his thumb over my teeth. He wiped the spit off my face with one pass of his hand and scooped me into his arms like I weighed nothing.

Being draped over his shoulder and free from his gaze brought back some semblance of sanity. No… I didn’t want to be punished. What would that entail? Panicked, I thought of the first excuse that came to my mind as Ben sat on the edge of the bed.

“I uh… I have to pee.”

He held me back so he could look at me and raised an eyebrow. “…Fine. Hurry up.”

I squirmed out of his grasp and out of the room into the hallway. My feet were still bare and slapped on the cold metal as I made my way down the hall, glancing over my shoulder to see if Ben was following. My sweaty palm slipped on the door handle when I found the ‘fresher and I scrambled inside, slamming it shut and locking it behind me.

Relieved, I took a few gulping breaths. Okay, he couldn’t get me now. I’d just refuse to come out until he brought me back to Spintir. Something was wrong with him and he was unpredictable and scary.

I slumped down to the floor to cry a bit more, heartbroken that my best friend had gone so far down the wrong path. He was cold and eerie and he hurt people—he wanted to overthrow the _Republic!_ Why? What did even have to gain from doing something like that?

For a long time I laid there and worried about Jira and the others. I hoped Ben wasn’t lying when he said the other Knights wouldn’t hurt them. What would they do when Luke came back? Luke was powerful. Maybe he could make them leave. If he talked to Ben he could probably convince him to turn back to the Light and I could heal the sickness. Ben said he wanted my help with it.

Soon I fell asleep on the tile and had a horrible nightmare.

_An eerie red glow illuminates the room. I’m near the wall, watching as a hideous creature in a throne talks to Ben. He’s kneeling with his helmet under his arm and the other five Knights are standing back by the door. There are six people wearing red armor that makes them look like lobsters._

_“It is time to complete your training, my young apprentice.” Snoke. I can tell by his horrible voice._

_Ben glances up. He’s stoic and gives nothing away. “Yes, Supreme Leader. How?”_

_Snoke brushes a long, spindly finger across the space where his lips should be. Instead, it’s all shriveled, dead skin, cracked with age or the ominous evil swirling within him._

_“The girl,” Snoke whispers. “She remains on Spintir?”_

_“…Yes.” Ben remains cool and calm. “Shall I collect her?”_

_“It is time. My attempt to corrupt her through you was unsuccessful, due to the interference of Skywalker, but I believe there is another way.”_

_Ben’s façade cracks a bit. “Corrupt her? Through me?”_

_“Oh, yes.” Snoke steeples his fingers, smiling cruelly. “I sensed the little whelp long before you found her and manipulated your bond, implanting a sickness that would cause agonizing obsession. There was still too much light in you and I intended to drive you to commit an unspeakable act that would split your soul, or cause Skywalker to attack you. It worked in small ways—worsening the turbulence in your spirit and turning the other Jedi away from you but did not work how I intended.”_

_The Knights behind Ben shift, trying not to glance at one another. Ben drops his head again to hide his facial expression and Snoke continues grinning._

_“…A wise plan, Supreme Leader,” Ben says after a pause. “How did you intend for it to work?”_

_“Of course I assumed you would rape her,” Snoke laughs, like that should’ve been obvious and amusing. He sighs and waves a dismissive hand. “But I suppose it matters little. You still turned to me seeking a cure for what ailed you and chose the correct path.”_

_Ben is quiet. “Will you cure me now that the plan has worked accordingly?”_

_“Oh, no.” Snoke rises from his throne like a cripple, struggling to make it down the stairs to stand before Ben. “Your obsession with this child will be your impetus to continue adhering to the tenements of the Dark Side. Which is why I want you to return to Spintir and collect her.”_

_“…For what purpose?” Ben asks in a low tone._

_Snoke brushes his spidery fingers in a gesture to raise Ben’s chin, forcing him to meet his eyes. Ben is clenching his jaw and trying to hide the rage simmering just underneath the surface of his skin._

_“You will exert dominance over the Light and crush her spirit.” Snoke smiles and I can see crooked, yellow fangs. “You will rape her until the entirety of the_ Supremacy _can hear her screams; break her thin little bones to splinters; torture her until she faints from exhaustion. You will bring her to me each day and I will torment her with my own powers until all her tears have dried and the Light dies back. This will repeat until the Light is snuffed out—or she dies.”_

_Everything Ben is fighting to hide comes roaring out of him like a force of nature. The Knights draw their sabers to distract Snoke for a split second, and Ben flicks his fingers to send his ancestral saber right through Snoke’s throat. Snoke staggers back, spluttering blood, and Ben stands to wave his fingers to the right and tear the lightsaber right through Snoke’s neck._

_It barely hangs on by some flesh as the corpse collapses. The guards in red are already descending on the group and Ben brushes back his hair and calls Anakin’s saber, screaming in rage and driving it through the first guard who falls upon him._

I woke up in a puddle of sweat on the ‘fresher floor, panting wildly, and only a split second passed before I was scrambling for the door and shrieking for Ben.


	13. For my unconquerable soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for the feedback! this is an example of a longer chapter btw

Terrified beyond reason, I spilled out into the hallway on my hands and knees, still screaming for Ben. Snoke’s voice echoed in my head; his horrible commands and evil whisper. I scrambled across the cold metal floor and had hardly looked up when an arm wound under my stomach and hoisted me up like a sack of potatoes.

 “What’s wrong?!” Ben demanded. He turned in a circle and I heard the snarl and crackle of his red lightsaber as it whooshed through the air. “Is someone here?!”

I squirmed, wincing from his arm pushing on my gut. “No, I had a nightmare!”

Ben didn’t seem convinced and looked around for another minute before sheathing his saber on his hip. He shifted me in his arms so one was around my back and the other under my behind, just like when I was a kid, and cupped the back of my head in one big hand. I peered over his shoulder as he took a few steps backwards towards the cockpit.

 “Bit of a dramatic reaction to a nightmare.” He opened a closet along the way to grab some green blankets and clicked it shut again.

I frowned and considered biting his shoulder. “Well it was scary. It was about Snoke and what he wanted you to do to me.”

The cockpit was dark and quiet, illuminated by the blue and white stars streaking past. Ben sat in the pilot’s seat and gathered me into his lap, hooking a hand under my knees and drawing the blanket over us. His other arm wrapped around me and I was curled into a ball with my head on his chest.

 “…I’m not going to hurt you,” Ben said after a few moments of silence.

 “Tell that to Jira.”

 “Jira isn’t _you_. I won’t hurt you.” He kissed my forehead and I heard his teeth grind together. “And she was trying to keep you away from me.”

I sat up, straddling his lap. “Why should I trust you? I barely know who you are anymore, Ben.” I ran my fingers through his tangled black hair and he closed his eyes and his throat bobbed. “You don’t look the same, or sound the same, or act the same. You’re basically a stranger.”

He jerked forward to kiss my throat and fanned his fingers across my back to keep me from pulling away. I still didn’t have any pants on. My cheeks prickled with heat and I tugged on his hair to arch his neck back and make him look up at me. His dark eyes were glazed and hungry and I could feel the sickness oozing in him, feeding from the darkness.

Ben groaned and slipped his fingers under the back of my shirt. “I love you, Rey. That’s never changed, even if other things have.” His palms curled around my ribs, warm and insistent. “I’ll always love you. I’ll never leave you again and I won’t hurt you.”

Of course we loved each other—that was a given. It was a necessary and natural as breathing.

I kept my fingers firmly rooted in his hair and Ben pushed down on my hips. He swallowed hard again and gazed up at me like he was in a torpor as he began moving me back and forth in his lap. I felt hard, hot pressure between my legs and squirmed in discomfort, only separated from him by my thin underwear and his pants.

 “Ben—”

 “Shh.” His eyes rolled back and he stifled a groan. “It’s okay. It won’t hurt.”

The sickness greedily leeched from the dark hunger in Ben and tried to use his roiling emotions to reach out for me. I panicked at its slimy presence and cupped my hands around his face.

It seemed like the Light was a predator seeking out whatever Snoke had put in Ben. It scattered the darkness again and drove straight through to the seeping core that was corrupting him, twisting the Dark into evil and obsession. But the sickness had become so deeply rooted in him that it burned the natural darkness and it screamed in agony and instinctively resisted the intrusion.

Ben hissed and flinched, squeezing my hips, but the Dark didn’t fight back like before. He was holding back, trying to let me go as far as I could. His eyes were screwed shut and his jaw was clenched tight. I pushed on and seared the long spindles of the disease and the darkness wailed and eroded and soon I realized that I was going too far.

I jerked back as tears began running down Ben’s cheeks. His jaw shifted and he took a few staggering breaths before groaning in pain. I covered my mouth, horrified by what I’d done. The Dark was as much a part of Ben as the Light was of me. It faltered and felt like it was bleeding.

Luke taught us that the Dark Side was something to be feared—that it was inherently evil and led to corruption and destruction. But feeling the symbiosis it had with Ben and watching him holding back real, human tears after I burned him made me realize that my Master was completely wrong. Dark Side users were people, too, who were sometimes overwhelmed by their emotions.

The Light just _seemed_ better because we didn’t allow ourselves to feel normal human emotion. I thought Spintir was paradise but feeling what Ben felt and leaving the bubble of the Jedi was sobering. We were happy and peaceful, sure—but wasn’t there more to life than that?

 “I’m so sorry!” I blurted, wiping away the tears with my thumbs. “I didn’t realize… I’m so sorry!”

Ben shook his head and took a deep breath. “It’s fine; I know you’re trying to help. I thought I could handle it. It was my fault.”

I’d felt the Dark in Ben the day I met him, yet he never hurt me and voluntarily left when he was worried that he would. He could’ve brought me to Snoke. He could’ve destroyed the entire Jedi Temple if he wanted to. There were endless ‘bad’ things Ben could’ve done and he didn’t. If the Dark Side was supposedly evil, why wasn’t Ben?

I wrapped my arms around his neck and nuzzled under his chin. “I’m so confused, Ben.”

 “…I know.”

 “Why can’t we go back to the way things were?”

He kissed my forehead. “Change is a part of life. It’s not so bad, little one. You’ll see.”

The ship twittered—Christophsis was near. Ben refused to let go of me and steered the ship while I clung to him and kept my face buried in his neck. I didn’t want to be anywhere else, even if things weren’t quite the same. We would get used to it… somehow.

We landed, but I hadn’t raised my head to look out at the planet yet. Ben patted my back and kissed the top of my head as he rose from the chair, holding me like I was made of porcelain. I grunted irately when he tried to pry my arms from around his neck and was forced to stand on the floor in the cold, quiet crew quarters. My feet tingled and I curled my toes.

 “Christophsis is dangerous,” Ben said, browsing through a closet. “We have to be careful and move quickly.”

I folded my arms, shivering. “Okay. Jira told me to listen for a crystal to call to me.”

 “Yes. It may be faint, but you’ll know it when you hear it.” He turned around with black robes for me and two halves of an empty silver lightsaber. “The Force will show you how to construct your saber.”

It wasn’t how I thought I’d be promoted to a Knight. I accepted my things from Ben and stood there in awkward silence for a few minutes. He blinked back at me.

 “Um… I have to change,” I said.

 “Oh. Right.” Ben faced the wall and cleared his throat. “Sorry.”

I hurriedly pulled on the black robes and examined the two halves of the saber before telling him I was ready. My hair was drawn back in three small bobs like usual to make sure it stayed out of my face. I tugged on my brown boots outside the room and looked up into Ben’s dark eyes.

 “Don’t let anything eat me,” I teased.

He smiled slightly. “I’ll try my best.”

We left the ship and stepped onto Christophsis’s surface. It was all crystal—the trees, the ground beneath our feet; even some of the animals running by looked like they were made of crystals. Everything was blue or white or clear and I could feel the Force humming in the air. It was mesmerizing. I could hear small, tiny voices whispering across the landscape… _Rey… Rey… Rey…_

 “It’s quiet,” Ben said, frowning. “Do you hear anything?”

I nodded, already following the loudest voice. “It feels like the planet is alive.”

Ben trailed behind me. “It’s is, in a way. Kyber crystals are partially sentient and they’re attuned to the Light Side of the Force. I’m sure you can hear them much better than I can.”

Yes—that’s what Luke said. He called them ‘droplets of the Force.’ I brushed my fingers across the cool crystalline bushes and trees as we made our way into a forest shrouded in a blue canopy. Ben drifted along behind me with one hand on his lightsaber and kept scanning the silent forest for any signs of danger. Sometimes I’d hear a soft crackle as if the crystals were settling.

 “I had a dream after you brought me on the ship,” I said, watching a crystal rabbit hop by.

 “About what?”

 “I’m not sure.” I reached up to touch a clear leaf, running my fingertips across the veins. “I was floating and someone told me I was having an awakening. It called me Ashla.”

 “Well the two moons of Tython are called Ashla and Bogan. Maybe you read about it in a book?”

I shrugged. “Maybe.”

The voice calling me grew louder. I turned, scraping my boots across the crystal surface, and felt a tug in that direction. There was a pitch black cave up ahead ringed by blue trees and the whispering encouraged me to come closer and closer. Ben slipped his hand in mine and squeezed.

  _Rey… Rey… Over here…_

I stepped into the cave and Ben ignited his saber to give us some light. It was beautiful, made entirely of clear, sharp crystals that jutted from the walls and the ceiling. The voices were loud but called gently to me, as if each one wanted me to pick it. But one near the back of the cave was particularly insistent.

Ben turned around as I reached out to touch the kyber and it hummed in response like a purring cat. I used the Force to break it away from the cave wall and something powerful came over me.

My eyes rolled back and I very abruptly sat down on the cave floor. The last thing I remembered was raising my hands to suspend the lightsaber and crystal between them as something—probably the Force—rippled through my body and took control of me. It was cool and comforting but prickled like electricity; like it was alive and wanted me to know it.

Then it buzzed back to wherever it came from and I was set free with a wild gasp.

Ben was standing in front of me with a shocked look at his face. He helped me stagger to my feet and I clutched my head, woozy. What was that?

 “It’s… done,” Ben faltered. “That’s odd.”

I winced up at him. “Why?”

 “You typically bring it back to Spintir and meditate for several days to imbue it with the Force. It’s not a process designed to take an hour.” He shrugged. “But you’ve always been powerful. Try it out.”

The lightsaber was actually a staff with two open ends. I found I could separate them and reattach them with tiny manipulations of the Force. Both ends erupted into purple light and I twirled it around as single staff before separating them with a crackle. It was pretty. I liked the color.

I beamed up at Ben. “Guess I’m a Knight now.”

His lightsaber was still ignited, too, casting a pink glow across all the crystals in the cave. They glittered and continued whispering to me and sent out fractals of light across Ben and me. I turned in a circle and laughed at the dizzying array of color that danced across my face and soaked my black robes. The Light Side was strong in the cave, rippling around me like a wave.

 “Rey.”

I twirled around to find Ben standing right behind me. The crystals hummed around us and lit up Ben’s features, giving him an alien appearance. He smiled faintly when I smiled up at him.

 “It’s so beautiful,” I said, making another half-turn to admire the cave.

Ben touched my arm and I looked up into his dark eyes again, brightened by the magenta glow in the cave. He cradled my head between his hands and my breath caught.

 “So are you, my love,” he murmured.

 “…Ben?”

He leaned over to kiss me on the mouth, soft, full lips gently brushing across mine. I grasped the front of his shirt and arched onto my tiptoes to press harder, stepping into the dark safety of his cape. Ben flicked his fingers to drop both of our lightsabers and wrapped his arms around me, drawing me up against his hard body. My toes left the cave floor and I squeaked but wound my arms around his neck.

His tongue drew across my lips and I eagerly let him in. I’d never kissed that way before so I let Ben do most of the leading and went along with the way his tongue swept through my mouth. I was dizzy with desire and now I wasn’t a little kid anymore that Ben had to force himself to resist. I was sixteen and a Jedi Knight. No one could tell me what to do or where to go anymore.

I was free, and Ben was mine. _Mine._

 “ _Mine_ ,” Ben growled like he could hear my thoughts. He kissed me over and over on the mouth, then groaned and roamed down my neck. “Mine, mine, mine. You’re _mine_ , Rey.”

 “I know,” I breathed. I strained closer, too nervous to jump up and wrap my legs around his hips but tempted to do it all the same.

We went back to making out when the sound of our heavy breaths and kissing was interrupted by a strange sound.

_Tak-tak-tak… tak-tak-tak…_

Ben froze and broke away from me, calling back his lightsaber and igniting it. “We have to go.”

I grabbed his shirt and pouted. “But why?”

_Tak-tak-tak… tak-tak-tak…_

 “Kyaddaks,” Ben said, scowling. “They’re enormous and they’re not friendly.”

The mouth of the cave was clear. Ben took my hand and led me through the forest back towards the ship. The crystals didn’t hold the same splendor as they did before and I ran after Ben, listening with terror to the clacking sounds coming up behind us.

He suddenly stopped and turned with a swirl of his black cape, red lightsaber casting an eerie glow on the trees around us. “Rey, stay near me.”

 “I can take care of myself,” I sniffed, drawing my new saberstaff. “How bad can they—”

Three hideous, massive bugs erupted from the underbrush. They had three heads covered in eyes and a single fang-ringed mouth dripping saliva. I screamed and scurried behind Ben and he twirled his lightsaber and held it out towards them like a warning.

 “Run back to the ship!” Ben snapped. “Don’t wait for me.”

I shook my head furiously. “Are you crazy?! I’m not leaving you here!”

They all charged at once. Ben was far more experienced in combat and slashed the head off one, spinning quickly to do the same to a kyaddak that attacked from behind. He ducked to avoid the angry counterstrike from the first one and soon disappeared into the forest fighting the two of them.

I was left alone with my new lightsaber, staring down a beast that drooled burning venom onto the crystal surface. It hissed and all the eyes blinked at me as it slowly approached.

I held out my staff, trembling. “I’m… I’m warning you! I’ll hurt you!”

The kyaddak made a high-pitched keening sound like it was laughing and charged.

Luckily I was an expert in evasion and I found it easy enough to dodge the strikes from the beast’s head. I slipped under it’s body to slash off one of the legs, hoping to incapacitate it rather than kill it. A horrible shriek came from the mouth and it turned, staggering, to face me again.

 “I don’t want to hurt you!” I called.

Green blood poured out on the ground. It attacked again and this time managed to fling me into a tree, sending my lightsaber flying and taking my breath in a painful gasp. I fell to the ground on my stomach and struggled to lift my head to see where my saber had gone. The kayddak crept closer, mouth turned into a hungry grin, and I screamed for Ben.

 “Hey, ugly. Over here.”

The kyaddak turned and it wasn’t Ben who spoke. My eyes widened at the sight of Luke with his green lightsaber and a small smile on his lips. He enraged the beast and it turned on him, but the fight didn’t last long. Luke moved even faster than I did and had slashed off all the heads before I managed to get back to my feet. I panted and called back my saberstaff, clipping it to my hip.

Luke stared down at the steaming corpse drenched in green blood and glanced at me. “Where’s Ben?”

We both heard a howl of pain at that moment. I whispered ‘Ben’ and rushed towards it without a second thought while Luke called for me to slow down. The crystal branches whipped my skin and tore my clothes but I didn’t care. Ben, Ben; no…

A mess of trees had been flattened by the fight. Both kyaddaks were dead, slashed multiple times, and Ben was gripping his right arm and flinching in pain. He dropped to his knees and I darted forward to check on him, unconcerned with danger or Luke’s presence.

I brushed Ben’s hair back, brow knotted in concern. “What happened? Are you okay?”

He shook his head and tried to push me away with his shoulder. “Rey, go to the ship.” He coughed up some blood on his shirt and nudged me again. “GO!”

 “No!” I tried to wipe the blood away with my hands, staining them, and began checking Ben’s body. “I’m not leaving you ever… for… anything…”

Luke came up to stand beside me as I came upon a horrible realization. Where Ben’s right hand should’ve been, there was only a gory, shredded stump.

He hacked up more blood and Luke pushed me aside to help him, murmuring something low in Ben’s ear before I heard the hum of the lightsaber. Ben screamed in pain and all the blood and shock was too much for me to handle. I scrambled back and clutched my head and fainted right then and there.


	14. In the fell clutch of circumstance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

_I’m floating again. It’s warm and safe._

_“Ashla… You are doing well.”_

_It’s the androgynous entity again. I can’t tell where it’s coming from. I scowl and twirl in the emptiness, frustrated by the strange dream._

_“Who are you?” I demand. “What’s an Ashla?”_

_The voice laughs musically. “In time, little one. You are not old enough to know me. I see you have been trying to purify Bogan. You will not succeed until you’ve aged.”_

_“Aged?”_

_The gray shimmers and swirls and I think of a bird ruffling its feathers. “You are too young to fully understand your abilities. But it will come. In time.”_

_“Hey, wait—”_

This time I didn’t wake up in a panic. I just slowly opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling.

 “Ah, Rey. You’re awake.”

I raised my head to find Luke sitting across the room reading a book. He smiled and closed it, stowing it away on a shelf, and leaned forward with his hands clasped.

I swallowed and sat up straight. I was still in my Knight robes.

 “What’s going on?” I asked.

 “Han brought me here in the _Falcon_ and we’re on Ben’s ship.” Luke gestured towards the door. “He’s resting in another room. How are you feeling?”

I looked around and could feel Ben’s presence a room or two over. “…Fine. Can I see Ben?”

 “He’s sleeping, Rey. He suffered a severe injury.” Luke stretched out his metallic right hand and turned it in circles, puckering his lips. “It seems all Skywalker men have the same destiny.”

 “He’ll feel better if he sees me.” I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and tried to get up, but pain lanced down my spine.

 “The kyaddak threw you into a tree,” Luke said. “Rest. Ben isn’t going anywhere.”

I leaned back in my bed and scowled. “He and I talked, you know. He killed Supreme Leader Snoke because he ordered Ben to hurt me. Snoke put a sickness in him that I can cure—and he only hurt Jira because she tried to keep us apart.”

Luke had found us for a reason. Either Jira warned him or he returned to Spintir and found out that Ben had more or less kidnapped me. But Ben and I had talked and now I was beginning to understand that Luke’s teachings weren’t always right. I just wanted to see Ben and make sure he was okay.

 “I know,” Luke said after a pause. Did he know, or was he just trying to placate me? “A droid is waiting on Spintir to repair his hand, but he’ll need a few weeks to recover from that as well as the kyaddak venom. I want you to watch over him.”

What? I blinked in surprise and pointed to myself.

 “Me?” I echoed. “Why?”

 “You’re the only one he’ll trust—and the two of you still have that bond.” Luke stroked his beard, eyeing me. “You can try to bring him back to the Light. Right?”

I knew it was a test. I just shrugged and nodded. Sure.

The trip back to Spintir didn’t take long. I rested in bed while Luke piloted the ship and eventually snuck out of my room to visit Ben down the hall.

I slipped into his room and found him lying on his back in bed, hooked up to an IV. He was wearing black Jedi robes again, not the getup from before, and his dark eyes roamed listlessly when the door opened. The sight of him in so much pain made my heart hurt

 “Rey?” he whispered, voice cracking.

I peered over my shoulder before going to his beside and kneeling. “I’m here.” I brushed back his sweaty hair and smiled. “Luke wants me to babysit you, I guess. That’ll be fun.”

Ben laughed a bit and coughed. “The tables have turned.” He reached out for me with his bandaged arm and jerked back when he realized it was the right.

I grabbed his arm, anyway, and tried to kiss the bandaged stump as gently as possible. “I love you, Ben. Thank you.”

 “…I love you, too, Rey.”

The door suddenly slid open and I turned guiltily. Luke was standing there and studying Ben and I, and his gaze lingered on my hand around Ben’s right forearm.

 “We’re home,” Luke said.

Luke escorted both of us off the ship. He helped Ben along the way since I was too small to do that and a crowd of Padawans with the smattering of Knights greeted us. They stared silently as Luke and Ben walked towards Ben’s old cabin and I stood there and stared after them. The black Knights Ben had brought—the Knights of Ren—were standing in a group, watching Ben.

 “Rey?”

I glanced up to see Jira standing at the front of the group. She darted forward to hug me and I cried and did the same, and both Oola and Senni joined in. I was back in paradise, but I wasn’t the same.

 “We’re so happy to see you!” Oola squealed.

Jira smoothed back my hair. “I was so scared. I thought he’d kill you.” She hugged me again and lifted me off the ground, spinning me around. “I’m so glad you’re okay.”

 “We went to Christophsis,” I said, wiping my eyes when she put me down. “Jira, he—”

 “I know,” she interrupted. “Luke told all of us. He killed Snoke.” She sniffled and shook her head, holding back tears. “I just need some time, Rey. It’s complicated.”

The Padawans were happy to see me. A lot of them wanted to be assigned to me but Luke promised I would only take on one or two at most. I felt so different with my own lightsaber and black robes and new, strange relationship with Ben Solo. Sure, he had lost a hand and was currently having a robotic one made, but we had kissed and stuff. And he loved me.

But I had a feeling that wasn’t something I should be telling everyone. I was still ten years younger than him and his allegiances were hazy at best. So I just smiled and chatted with the Padawans and my friends, trying not to keep glancing at Ben’s hut.

Jira and I went back to our hut so I could wash up. I went to the ‘fresher to shower and brush my teeth and change into a new set of Knight robes that fit a bit better. She was waiting outside when I was done and we headed for the Temple to eat dinner. Ben would eat in his hut and have his hand repaired.

A breeze tickled across my scalp. Ben and I had hardly been gone for two days but it felt like a lifetime. Luke must’ve really hoofed it to get to us so fast.

 “How was he?”

I glanced up at Jira. “Who? Ben?”

 “…Yeah.” She watched birds flying overhead. “Was he nice to you?”

 “For the most part. Whatever Snoke did is messing with him.”

She shrugged dismissively. “Well tell me if he tries anything. I told Luke that I don’t like the two of you living alone but he insisted since you’re a Knight now.”

 “Ben’s not _that_ stupid,” I laughed, trying to lighten the mood.

Jira didn’t look amused. She waved to a Padawan and didn’t glance at me.

 “He was stupid three years ago,” she said tersely. “I have no reason to believe he’s changed.”

We arrived at the Temple for dinner like always. It was chicken and rice, my favorite, but I didn’t have much of an appetite. I was home, sitting between Jira and Oola with Senni and Galen across from us like always, yet… it didn’t feel right. This wasn’t where I belonged anymore. I picked at my food and smiled when I had to and wondered how Ben was doing.

I’d been exposed to the darkness in Ben and it had changed the way I thought of the Jedi and Luke. Part of me wanted to flee the planet with Ben and never look back.

Luke and Jira went to speak with the Knights of Ren, so Senni, Oola, and Galen walked me back to my hut. Crickets chirped as they laughed together and strolled through the long grass and I hung back to watch. They all still wore brown and didn’t have a care in the world. Now I would have more responsibilities, like training Padawans and going on missions.

I chewed my nails. I didn’t want to do any of that. I wanted to be with Ben. Maybe… maybe joining him and the First Order was the only way for that to happen.

Darkness fell across Spintir as we arrived at the Knight huts. The others would go back to the communal Padawan quarters. I stopped outside Ben’s and hugged Oola and Senni goodbye. They skipped off together, giggling about something else and glancing back at Galen and me.

He rubbed the back of his head. “So… I was worried about you.”

 “Yeah, I know.” I nudged a rock with my foot and clasped my hands behind my back. “Ben is harmless, even if he pretends he isn’t.”

 “He _did_ draw a lightsaber on me,” Galen said with a small laugh. “And he attacked Jira.”

I glared at him. “Jira was getting in the way. Anyway, I have to go check on him.”

 “Rey, wait.”

I’d hardly turned when Galen grabbed my arm and jerked me closer to awkwardly kiss me on the lips. I squeaked in shock when he pushed his tongue in my mouth and tried to pull away—

The door burst open and Ben seized Galen by the collar of his shirt to shove him into the wall. I noticed his right hand was robotic, just like Luke’s, and Ben winced but didn’t let go of Galen. He was pouring sweat and didn’t have a shirt on.

 “Ben!” I hissed. “Cut it out!”

 “Touch her again and I’ll break your skinny little neck,” Ben snarled. He leaned closer to Galen’s face, dark eyes burning angrily. “Got it?”

Galen nodded quickly and took off when Ben let go of him. I turned to berate Ben, but he was sagging on the door and trying to get back inside. Idiot! Now Galen would run and tell Luke and Jira!

 “Nicely done!” I snapped, stepping under his arm to give him support.

Everything inside was the same as it had been years back. Ben staggered past the small table in the sitting area and I helped him into his bedroom and back to bed. He collapsed on his side, long legs still dangling off the edge of the mattress and watched me fill up a cup of water for him.

 “Kid deserved it.” Ben pushed himself up and drew his legs into bed, accepting the water with a quiet thank you.

I sat next to him and rolled my eyes. “You can’t go around beating up on Padawans.”

Ben swallowed a pill with his water and shrugged, mopey. “I will if they touch you.” He glanced down at his robotic hand and curled the fingers, flinching. “Ah—this damn thing.”

It didn’t look like Luke’s. The hand was encased in dark gray steel and blended into Ben’s forearm, giving it a more refined appearance. I slipped my fingers into his metallic palm and squeezed gently.

 “Now you’re a real Skywalker,” I joked.

He smiled wryly. “This seems to be part of initiation. I’ll need a few weeks to recover before we go back to the First Order. The Knights will remain here.”

Oh, we were back to that already. But I wasn’t as against it as I had been before. Maybe that was the only way Ben and I could be together in peace. Change was a good thing. The status quo could be shaken up and I knew Ben wouldn’t let anyone be hurt.

I drew away, rising from the bed. “Don’t rush it. I have Knight stuff to do, anyway.”

Ben stood up, too, and grabbed my hand with his cybernetic one. I turned a hair to look up at him, struggling not to let my gaze roam down to his chest.

 “You’re staying here, though,” he said. “Right? Luke said you’re staying here.”

 “I’m going to have Padawans, Ben. I can’t constantly babysit you.” I wormed my hand free of his and kept walking. “You should probably take a shower. You’re sweating like crazy.”

The other Knights wouldn’t be happy if I was exempted from my duties. I wanted nothing more than to babysit Ben while he recovered, but I also didn’t want to be unfair to my friends.

I went to my bedroom to change into a white nightgown and snuggled under the covers with a book about the Galactic Civil War. As I flipped through the pages by lamplight, engrossed in the descriptions of the battles, my bedroom door groaned open. I glanced up to see Ben standing there in a thin black shirt and pants. His hair was still damp.

 “What’s up?” I chirped, looking back at my book. “I’m just finishing this chapter before bed.”

Ben didn’t respond. He crossed my room and blew out the lamp with a wave of his hand, which also sent my book to the floor. I began to protest but he was suddenly underneath the sheets with me and dragged me down underneath him. His knees were between my legs and he pressed his weight on me, kissing my neck before I could make another sound.

It was quiet. The only sounds were the rustling of the sheets and the wet tickle of Ben’s lips across my throat. I squirmed underneath him when he jerkily thrusted between my legs, drawing a foreign tingling sensation in the apex of my thighs. My cheeks reddened. The hard, hot pressure was there, too, and he groaned and his hips snapped into mine again, twisting in a tight circle.

 “Ben?” I whispered. “Aren’t you sick?”

He shrugged and drew a line of kisses down my neck. “Sort of. I don’t care.” He rolled the sensitive skin between his teeth and threaded his fingers through my hair. “Do you like this?”

I nodded. Ben pecked along my jaw to my mouth and kissed me deeply, tugging my hair a bit to make me arch my back. The sickness oozed from him, creeping towards me, but it couldn’t survive in the light. It was singed when it got too close and moaned back into Ben, trying to find a weakness in me.

The bed creaked as his thrusts became more rhythmic. I whimpered into his mouth and he broke away to press his forehead to mine, dark eyes lidded and hungry. My eyes rolled back a bit and I panted and squirmed my hips into his.

 “Good girl.” Ben nipped my earlobe and whispered to me, voice deep and husky. “How does it feel?”

I could only nod again and make a weird mewling sound like a kitten. He growled appreciatively and I felt wetness soaking into my underwear I hitched my calves on his hips and tried to squeeze my knees together and Ben reached out for the front of the mattress, trying to steady himself. The tingling was turning into an ache and it felt _so good_ …

 “You’re mine,” Ben snapped in my ear. “You’re not going anywhere without me. Do you understand?”

 “Y-yes,” I stammered.

He seized my jaw with his free hand, forcing me to look at him. “And I still owe you a punishment.”

There was a knock on the door. “Rey? Ben?”

Jira! My eyes widened and Ben shifted his hand over my mouth, scowling and glancing towards my door. He stopped grinding into me and the pleasant sensation ebbed away, much to my chagrin.

 “Stay here,” Ben commanded in a low tone.

I nodded quickly and he slipped out of bed. My bedroom door was ajar so I could hear Ben open up the front door and start talking with Jira. I sat up, straining to hear.

 “Where is she?” Jira demanded.

 “Nice to see you, too. She’s sleeping.”

 “You’re out of breath, Benjamin. What have you been doing?”

He laughed. “Sweating out kyaddak venom and writhing in pain. Did you come here for any reason in particular? I’m tired.”

Jira snorted in disdain. “Just to tell you that your boyband is refusing to leave. Luke and I would prefer not to start a fight, so he sent me to ask you to tell them to leave.”

 “They’ll just go back to Hux and return with Stormtroopers, Jira. I’ve given them orders not to harm any of you. They’re just waiting for me to recover.”

Her boots scuffed on the floor. “Luke will let you leave because you killed Snoke and saved Rey—but she isn’t going with you, and you’re never welcome back on Spintir.”

 “Rey is _mine_ ,” Ben snapped. “She’s a Knight now. You can’t keep her away from me.”

 “A Knight and a child! Just because she has boobs and a lightsaber doesn’t mean she’s fair game for you to take advantage of! It wasn’t okay when she was thirteen and it’s still not okay three years later. She’s a sweet kid and shouldn’t have you lurking behind her waiting to pounce all the time!”

The door creaked and Ben raised his voice. “Why do you think I left?! Whatever Snoke put in me was driving me insane so I put as much space between us as possible. And I’m not taking advantage of her, but Rey is mine and she is coming with me after I’ve healed—and you can’t stop me.”

 “I’ll cut your other hand off!” Jira hissed. “Traitorous snake!”

Okay, this was going too far. I threw back the covers and pattered out of my room and to the front door to find Ben and Jira glaring each other down. The latter brightened when she saw me and shoved Ben aside to say hi, when her blue eyes zeroed in on my neck.

She slapped Ben’s arm and pointed to the offending spot. “ _What is this?_ ”

He turned and scowled. “Go ask that Galen kid. He was all over her until I shooed him away.”

 “Yeah, he told us how you ‘shooed’ him.” Jira inspected the area and held my shoulders, searching my eyes. “Rey, who did this to you?”

Oh, Force, it wasn’t like I had a finger chopped off. I hated watching Ben and Jira fight when they had been so close before. He raised his eyebrows at me over her head and I sighed.

 “Galen,” I muttered.

Jira looked murderous. “I see. I think it’s time he and I had a chat.”

To my great surprise, she left without another word. Ben shut the door behind her and sighed, running a hand through his hair. I didn’t like lying to her, but their fight would get ten times worse if I admitted the mark was from Ben. The tingling sensation came back between my legs and I rubbed my thighs together.

 “I told you to stay in bed.”

I glanced at him. “You two were ready to rip each other’s throats out.”

 “Jira’s like a sister to me. That’s a typical fight.” He rubbed his jaw, studying me, and nodded towards my bedroom. “Go. I’ll be in soon for your punishment… which will include you disobeying me just now.”

 “Uh… what kind of punishment?”

Ben sauntered closer, looming over me, dark eyes hungry again. “You’ll see.”

I shrank back from him and skittered back to my bedroom. It couldn’t be that bad. Right?


	15. I have not winced nor cried aloud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i legit suck at writing smut i am so sorry pls forgive me
> 
> ALSO Y'ALL NEED JESUS FOR UR PUNISHMENT ADDICTION OK

This time I couldn’t panic and run away—mostly because I knew I had nowhere to run, but also because I was concerned about Ben’s reaction to said running. I sat on the edge of my bed, swinging my bare legs and twiddling my thumbs, unnecessarily worried about what was going to happen. He was probably kidding… ha ha. ‘Good joke, Ben’ I’d say when he came back.

I glanced at my open window and back to the door. I could sneak out and stay with the Oola and Senni for the night, maybe. Ben would come to his senses in the morning.

But part of me was morbidly curious to see what he had planned. I rubbed my thighs together and tugged my nightgown over my knees, heat creeping into my cheeks. Jira interrupting us had left the desire tingling between my legs and I was hoping Ben would finish whatever he’d started.

Everything was changing so fast that I didn’t know if I could keep up with it. But my little bedroom was still the same, decorated with snail shells I found in the river and some smooth rocks Ben dove down to retrieve for me. There were feathers I’d found during our many walks strung up on the walls and different drawings I’d made tacked next to my bed. Relics from a simpler time.

My door creaked open and I snapped to attention. Ben was standing in the doorway, shrouded in shadow, and I could feel the prickling of the Dark coming from him. I smiled weakly and he closed the door gently behind him. It clicked shut and my heart skipped a beat.

I laughed, terribly uncomfortable and trying to ease the tension. “You’re not going to Force-choke me, are you? Because that’s a hard pass from me.”

Ben didn’t respond. He shrugged away from the door and crept up to my bed like a specter, sitting beside me without a word. The bed protested the extra weight and I continued twirling my thumbs around one another in the awkward silence. Oookay, maybe my ‘punishment’ was Ben staring at me like a creep while I tried and failed to start a conver—

He suddenly curled his long fingers around the back of my neck and pushed me across his lap with my stomach facing down. I scrambled to grab his thigh as Ben pushed back my nightgown so it draped in a dainty ruffle near the middle of my back. My pulse pounded; I struggled to get my bearings as he enveloped half of my butt in one of his big hands—thankfully the fleshy one. What the… frick?!

Ben squeezed my neck, leaning over to whisper in my ear. “I’m going to spank you five times, and you’re going to be absolutely silent, Rey. If you make a sound, I’ll restart from the beginning.”

 “But—”

 “Shh. Quiet now.”

He hooked a finger over the edge of my panties to pull them down to the top of my thighs and I was suddenly in a very compromising position. I pressed my face into Ben’s thigh, inhaling the scent of soap and water and bracing myself for whatever was coming next.

There was a sharp sound, flesh on flesh, and pain lanced down my left thigh. My eyes bugged and I yelped, instinctively jerking forward to get away. Ben squeezed my neck like a warning with the metal hand. It was cold and stiff and unsettling but made me stop resisting.

 “You get one freebie,” he murmured. “Stay quiet, little one.”

It was harder than it sounded. I bit down on Ben’s thigh to keep myself from crying out but small whimpers slipped through my lips and he would chastise me in a low tone and start all over again. I had a feeling he _knew_ it was impossible for me to stay totally silent and just wanted an excuse to spank me over and over. It stung. Pain prickled down my thighs.

I dug my nails into Ben’s thigh, jerking forward from what felt like the twentieth smack. It hurt, but I didn’t hate it. Every time he spanked me, I’d rub in an interesting way across his thigh that made me squirm and tingle with pleasure. I tried to hide it but made a really obvious spasmodic thrust on the last slap, giving into the hungry urges in the back of my mind.

The slimy presence in Ben was lurking on the fringes, searching for an opening, but the Dark didn’t need an invitation. It was bloated in the presence of lust and desire and making me dizzy.

He paused, switching to gently stroking my now extremely sensitive butt. “…What are you doing, Rey?”

I swallowed hard and shifted my hips. “N-Nothing. Laying here.” I frowned, remembering the rules. “Does this count as making noise?”

Ben smacked me again and I stifled a whimper.

 “Yes.” He traced a fingertip down the back of my thigh to the divot behind my knee. “Do you _like_ this?”

The tone of his voice made it sound like I shouldn’t. I shook my head and studied the floor past Ben’s leg as the warmth spread to my ears.

He drew two fingers up the inside of my thigh and pushed down on my neck and I felt his warm breath in my hair. His robotic hand moved to grasp my jaw and he stroked my lips with his cold thumb, slipping just inside as I panted nervously. I clung to his leg, feeling very much like I was drowning.

 “Keep going,” Ben purred. He stretched his fingers to brush one down each of my thighs and I wiggled excitedly. “Mhmm. Good girl.”

It was kind of weird, but I was throbbing between my legs and I had to keep going. I closed my eyes and wriggled against his thigh in a pathetic, desperate way, thanks to my inexperience and confusion. Tiny pants slipped through my lips and Ben pushed his thumb in my mouth. I sucked eagerly, meeting each slow thrust he made across my tongue. It tasted like steel and my salty sweat.

Ben lifted his hand and I heard a wet popping sound. I lazily opened my eyes for a second and they widened in shock when I felt a damp finger stroke along the slit between my legs.

 “You’re mine, Rey.” He gradually pushed deeper with each caress and I sucked harder on his thumb. “This pussy is mine, too—you are not allowed to touch it without my permission.”

Okay, whatever. I eagerly pushed back against his finger and Ben laughed and slapped my butt again. I strained against his hand, frustrated and insistent on feeling the digit inside me. I was half-crazed. Ben, Ben. My Ben. I had to be as close as possible to him. Our opposing dualities were inexplicably drawn together; yearning and empty and incomplete without each other.

His finger returned, gentle at first, then he sighed impatiently and wormed inside me. It stung a little but I was practically dripping wet with desire. I met his long digit with spastic bucking and the tension curled and bloomed between my legs. Ben made a weird choking sound and leaned over to kiss the back of my neck long and hard.

 “You have no idea how badly I wanted this,” he whispered, evenly pumping his middle finger inside me. “It was so damn painful waiting for you to grow up. But it’s all over now—now I can do whatever I want to you. Isn’t that right?”

 “Y-Yes—Yes!” My voice was muffled and I was drooling again. I was so close. I could feel it. My muscles tightened around Ben’s finger and I dug my nails into his leg…

And he suddenly withdrew from my mouth and my… pussy. I frowned in annoyance and squealed when his fingers threaded through my hair to sit me up in his lap, legs wrapped around his waist.

Ben yanked my hair to arch my neck back and smiled down at me. “Time for bed.”

 _What?!_ I could’ve punched him. Instead I grabbed the front of his shirt and wriggled closer to keep rubbing myself against him. He pulled my hair again, harder this time, and I hissed in pain.

 “But…” I tried to be subtler with my squirming. “But I didn’t…”

 “I know. That’s your punishment.”

No… no. I struggled in his lap and Ben pried my hands from his chest. He rose from the bed and I tightened my legs around his hips to keep from falling, then he tried to detach from me. Still I clung to him like a burr and he sighed and crept into bed on top of me.

I hung from him like a sloth on a tree branch. Ben raised an eyebrow.

 “I’d spank you for this, but apparently you like it.” He slipped a hand under my nightgown to squeeze one of my sore cheeks and slip my panties back into place.

 “I’ll just hang here until you give in,” I snipped.

He leaned back on his calves and tangled his fingers in my hair at the back of my head, yanking hard. “You can try.”

And try I did—but having my hair pulled hurt too much. I gave in but rolled over on my stomach and slipped my hand down the front of my panties. Ben grabbed both of my wrists and pinned them next to my head, kneeling between my legs and using his weight to keep me pinned.

He nuzzled into my hair, inhaling deeply. “And now I have to punish you for not accepting your punishment like a good girl. See the vicious cycle you’re creating?”

I puffed indignantly. My cheek was squished into the pillow. “I’m telling Jira.”

Ben was already hard and he jerked against my butt, drawing a surprise squeak from me. I couldn’t angle myself to rub against the bed so I had to just lie there as he began rhythmically grinding into me, squeezing my wrists and nosing around in my hair.

 “You’re going to tell on me?” he gasped disingenuously. “Oh _no_.” His warm breath was on my ear and he traced the tip of his tongue along the shell. “What should I do to keep you quiet?”

 “There’s nothing you can do.” I smiled into the pillow, shifting forward with each thrust from Ben. “Or you could let me finish what we started… Then I could be quiet.”

He lingered on the crux of my neck and shoulder, rolling the skin through his teeth. My eyes rolled a bit and I could feel his stiff, insistent length grinding between my legs. I had him now.

Ben laughed a little. “Are you blackmailing me?”

 “…Yes. Yes I am.”

Was that unbecoming of a Jedi Knight? I fisted the sheets under my hands as Ben rocked into me, groaning under his breath. Maybe it was, but so was… this. And I didn’t care. Was being a Jedi even the right path for me?

He let go of one wrist to reach down for my panties, tugging them off without much effort. I frowned as he slipped them from my ankles and was about to ask what he was doing when he abruptly shoved them in my mouth. What the hell?!

I coughed and resisted but Ben covered my mouth with one big hand to keep them in place. One of my hands was free but his arm was locked across it and I couldn’t move. I squirmed uncomfortably and he growled and started thrusting harder and faster. There wasn’t much separating us and my cheeks flushed at that realization. My panties tasted like something foreign.

 “Oh look,” Ben said huskily, “I found a way to keep you quiet.”

Part of me expected him to stop. He panted and grunted into my hair and it made my behind prickle painfully. I laid there and closed my eyes after a while, just happy to be in his presence, drinking in the different sounds of pleasure coming from him. It was probably bizarre but I actually liked Ben telling me what to do. The Dark was endless and hungry and I wanted more of it.

The rustling of grass and vague laughter drifted in my open window. Ben had his face buried in my hair and he whispered ‘shh’ and slowed his movements. I swallowed hard and tried to control my breathing as the voices came closer. He didn’t stop. A breeze chilled the sweat on my back as my Dark counterpart grunted into my scalp and made slow, quiet thrusts.

 “What will your friends say?” he whispered. “Will they think you’re dirty?”

I nodded, nervous about the group of people outside. They were probably going to the river.

Ben nodded, too, like he was reinforcing his own thoughts. “Yes, they will. They know you’re my little slut, and that you like it.”

My heart skipped a beat. Jeez. Language. He was losing control of himself, caught up in the passion. The sickness greedily fed from the darkness and hooked into Ben’s mind. I blinked and tried to speak; tried to warn him about what was happening.

 “You can’t get away from me,” he snapped. His voice was taking on a sinister edge. “You’ll take whatever I give you, Jedi whore—and you’ll thank me for it.”

The voices had drifted away. I struggled underneath Ben’s weight, panicking, and he released my other wrist to tug down his pants. No… NO!

We wrestled for a minute but Ben was much stronger than me. I shrieked into the gag in my mouth and tried to find a way to get a hand on him so I could burn away the sickness before it made him do something really, really horrible. But he bent an arm across the back of my neck and I couldn’t move.

 “That’s right.” His voice wasn’t right. It was a malevolent hiss. “Beg me. Try to fight back. I’m still going to fill you up until you scream for me to stop. I’ll send you back to Ben Solo dripping blood and cum.”

Wha—? Ben? But…

I groped for the headboard and pounded on it, struggling to get Ben’s attention and get the panties out of my mouth. To my surprise he did pull them out and turned me over on my back.

His dark eyes were tinged yellow. He pinned my hands next to my head again and smiled. The toxin had crept across his mind and I knew I wasn’t looking at Ben’s face anymore.

 “I want to watch the light leave your eyes,” he hissed.

I clenched my fingers over his hands and scowled. “Too bad.”

The Light was eager to sweep through Ben. It erupted like a supernova, suffusing him in blinding brightness, and the first thing to die back was the sickness. I was surprised to feel part of it fade into nothing but had to focus more on restraining myself from harming the Dark.

Ben snarled and stiffened but came back to his senses. I quickly withdrew from him and fanned my fingers to give him an out. That was way too close.

He jerked away from me and flung himself into the wall, panting, eyes wide. I sat up and rearranged my hair while he glanced between me and his hands. Yeah—you’re welcome.

 “Rey?” Ben croaked. “What did I do?”

I was seriously shaken from what he’d said to me but I didn’t want to upset him even more. So I shrugged and casually slipped my panties on again. That part was all Ben, but everything after that was much murkier. This sickness in him was worse than I thought.

 “Nothing,” I lied. “Let’s just go to bed.”

The voice in Ben had spoken of himself in third person. Was it a piece of Snoke, or a corrupted piece of Ben himself? I waggled my fingers towards him and smiled and he hesitantly accepted, relaxing into my embrace. The only way to find out was to draw the stranger out again, and that came with big risks.

I ran my fingers through his black hair and closed my eyes. Ben was slumped in my lap, arms wrapped around me, trembling like a leaf. He was just as fragile as me, even if he knew how to hide it better. I’d help him. For some reason, I felt like it was my responsibility to help him.


	16. Under the bludgeonings of chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the dark in ben is stronger than rey rn and it does overpower her senses a lot

Ben fell asleep draped in my lap. The darkness receded into him and it was like a veil had been lifted. I had been mesmerized in the same way I was when I first saw him again.

I ran my fingers through his black hair and stared at him with increasing anxiety and confusion. Everything was happening so fast. We’d just been reunited and were already falling down the rabbit hole, not even trying to stop ourselves on the way down. Now that my head was clear and I could think clearly and reflect on what we’d done, I felt the flush of embarrassment.

Ben was so intense—just his presence was overpowering. Maybe I was still too young to fully appreciate the depth of our bond and what it did to both of us. I didn’t regret what happened but I didn’t understand it… All I knew was that I loved Ben and wanted to be as close as possible to him.

It was the middle of the night, but I slipped out of his arms and out of bed. He didn’t wake up and nuzzled into my pillows, sighing in his sleep, and I tucked the comforter around him. I padded over to my closet to put on my black robes and snuck out of the hut to go for a walk.

There was a pleasant chill in the air and I went barefoot to feel the dew on my skin. I trekked up the hill to the river and sat on the bank, dangling my feet in the cool water. It was easier to think without Ben around and the further apart we were, the clearer my thoughts became. I kind of understood why he decided to put so much space between us for so long.

I sat in silence for a while, gazing at the dark, slowly flowing river. Loose sticks and leaves drifted by, carried along with the current and marring the reflection of the moons overhead. I swept a foot through the water to poke a passing stick.

 “Hey, Rey.”

Jira plopped down beside me. She was in her gray pajamas and had a pack of drinks in one hand that I’d never seen before. I smiled at her and nodded at the drinks.

 “Soda?” I asked.

 “Hm?” She laughed and shook her head, handing me one. “Oh, no. Some Padawans were having a party and I had to break it up. Got some alcohol out of it, though. Try it.”

I frowned and read the label: ‘Galactic Cooler’ in strawberry flavor. We obviously weren’t allowed to drink alcohol but recent events and Jira’s offer made it seem okay. I cracked open the tab and took a tentative sip, gagging on the sickly-sweet flavor mixed with the bite of alcohol. Eeugh!

Jira snickered and took a gulp of hers. “Not so good, right? I was doing those kids a favor.” She held the can between both hands and sighed, closing her eyes. “What brings you up here, anyway?”

That wasn’t a question I really wanted to answer. I cleared my throat and shrugged.

 “Just walking,” I lied. “Ben’s asleep. I think.”

She stroked one of her green lekku and smiled faintly. “He always sleeps when he’s pissed off. Do you feel safe living there?”

 “Well… Yeah. It’s Ben, after all.”

 “Maybe to you.” Her blue eyes opened and shifted to my neck. “Looks like Galen came back and left more marks on you, huh?”

I slapped a hand over my neck, reddening. “Those were already there.”

We lulled into silence. Jira practically chugged her drink and opened another, shaking her head. I took dainty sips from mine until it was empty and felt a pleasant buzz in my head. She wasn’t a moron. She knew what was going on but she wasn’t going to force me to admit it.

Jira leaned back on one palm and stared ahead. “Y’know, Rey, when I came out to my parents, Ben was the only one who supported me. He made sure I had a home here, even if I didn’t necessarily have the talent. He was the only one I trusted with that knowledge—and I want you to know that you can trust me with anything, too. I won’t tell anyone, and I won’t judge you.”

I twirled my hair around a finger, holding back tears. I wanted to tell her everything—that I had this deep and bizarre connection to Ben and I didn’t know what to do with it, and that I loved him and wanted him, but couldn’t save him. He was sick and I was too young and maybe too weak to help. But I wouldn’t risk Ben being further ostracized.

 “I’m fine,” I said, smiling. “Really. Ben is… great.”

She smiled back but it was sad. “…Okay. If he ever stops being ‘great,’ tell me.”

Our conversation moved on to other things: Knight duties and where I’d go from here. I kept a hand on my neck the entire time to hide the marks Ben left. We ended up finishing the entire six pack and I was woozy when I stood up.

Jira didn’t seem to notice how dizzy I was. She had most of the drinks and was stumbling, too, and she laughed and patted my arm, yammering about going to see Aayla. I giggled back and we strolled down the hill arm-in-arm and I was warm and happy. Ben, Ben, Ben—he meant no harm. The Padawans who got the alcohol must’ve been the group we heard walking by.

Aayla collected her near Ben’s hut and didn’t seem to notice that I was messed up, too. I blinked hard a few times and spun in a circle, searching for my hut. Ben… I squeezed my eyes shut and prodded with the Force to follow it back to him, running into the wall in the process. Ouch. Wall.

It got worse the longer I wandered. I groped along the wall to the front door and let myself inside, stumbling and almost falling on my face. The Light faltered and brightened like it didn’t know what to do. I dropped to my knees and crawled on all fours towards Ben’s signature in the Force and giggled to myself. I’d sneak up on him and scare him…

My bedroom door was ajar. I nudged it open with my shoulder and crept towards the bed, struggling to hide my laughter. Ben was still lying on his stomach and snoring so I knew I’d get him. My vision swam and splintered and made me even dizzier. Something hot roiled in my belly. I wanted Ben. _Bad._

I yanked on the sheets to slip under them beside him. He was still out cold—I could feel a vague dream about some kind of flying bird puffin creatures. The alcohol swirled in my mind and I squirmed closer to kiss his full, soft lips without further pretense. I managed a few pecks before slipping my tongue in his mouth and Ben moaned in his sleep and furrowed his eyebrows. He turned on his side and yawned.

 “Ben,” I whispered, wincing at the smell of alcohol. I kissed his cheeks and wormed closer, pressing my hips into his. “I want you.”

He opened one eye and yawned again. “Thought this dream was over?”

 “Nope.” I kissed back to his mouth and slipped my tongue inside, tasting him.

Ben hesitated then jerked back, slamming into the wall. He panted and stared at me as I whined and struggled closer and hooked a calf over his hip.

 “Have… have you been drinking?” he asked, perplexed.

 “Yuppers!” I drew a line of wet kisses up the side of his throat and felt the hum of darkness within him. “It’s just us now.”

 “Oookay, little one—that’s enough.” Ben detached my leg from his hip and laughed uncomfortably.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and gave him another messy kiss, shoving my tongue past his lips. Ben groaned and kissed me back for a minute, grasping my cheeks, then yanked me back.

Frustrated, I whimpered and puckered my lips. “What’s wrong? I want you.”

It seemed obvious but I felt like I needed to point it out to him. I’d never even tasted alcohol before and now it was flowing in my blood, encouraging me to be stupid and obnoxious. I wasn’t thinking about much, and my anxiety from before was the last thing on my mind. I strained closer to Ben and awkwardly bucked my hips into his, hoping he’d give in.

He winced and tried to push me away. “Who gave you alcohol, Rey?”

 “Jira. She broke up a party.” I reached between his legs and wrapped my fingers around his length, making it stiffen. “Gimme. I want it.”

Ben scrambled out of the bed like I’d burned him and fell on his butt. I thought he was playing and giggled and slid out onto the floor, crawling towards him. He clambered to his feet and pressed to the wall and his breath caught as I clawed my way up his legs to hook my fingers over the hem of his pants. I knelt in from of him and licked my lips.

 “Gimme,” I repeated. I tugged on his pants and smacked my lips. “Yah jerk.”

He made a pained sound and threaded his fingers through my hair to pull me away. “I’d love to, but I can’t. Let’s go see Jira quick.”

I whined impatiently and shifted closer and Ben yanked me back again. What a… butt. I muttered under my breath and slunk away from him to the bedroom door, still on all fours, intent on complaining to my Jedi Master friend. Ben wasn’t doing what I wanted so I wanted her to beat him up.

 “Rey—maybe get off the floor?” Ben suggested, voice tilting in pitch.

I waved him off and made my way to the front door. “No! You’re not the boss of me!”

 “Oookay.” He kept pace right next to me, running a hand through his hair. “Just be careful, please.”

We made our way through the huts to Jira’s. My knees and palms were covered in mud but I was too drunk to care and sang to myself the entire way. Ben shushed me a few times and kept glancing over his shoulder like he was worried someone would hear. I didn’t care. He was mine.

When we arrived at Jira’s hut, the lights were off. Ben told me to wait by the door and he circled around to see if they were home. I groggily collapsed in the dirt and sighed. Sleepy. Now I was sleepy.

I was alone for a few minutes when he suddenly came running back and scooped me off the ground. He looked panicked and held me under his arm as he hurried away and his cheeks were red. I squirmed and tugged on his shirt for an explanation.

 “Hey!” I hissed, yanking his clothes. “Where’s Jira?!”

Ben glanced over his shoulder again, white as a sheet. “She’s… She’s busy. Let’s not talk about this.”

 “But—”

 “BEN SOLO!”

It was Aayla. She was pointing at Ben and he slowed to a stop, flinching. I frowned up at him and swung in his arms until he let go and I fell back on the ground with a dramatic ‘oomph!’ He crouched beside me to make sure I was okay as Aayla angrily stalked up to us and Jira wandered behind her.

Aayla grabbed Ben’s ear and dragged him to his feet. “You pervert! Why are you watching Jira and me?!”

He squeezed one eye shut in pain. “Rey is drunk and I wanted to ask _Master_ Jira what possessed her to allow it! Don’t flatter yourself, Aayla.”

Jira gasped when she saw me and rushed to my side. We both giggled and hugged and got to our feet to twirl in circles while both Aayla and Ben watched in confusion. Jira’s skin was sweaty.

 “Well… Well I didn’t realize she was in that state!” Aayla snapped. “Rey, you’re staying in the Padawan quarters for the night!”

I held Jira at arm’s length and we both sank to the ground and burst into tears. Ben groaned and slapped a hand on his face and Aayla pinched the bridge of her nose.

 “Fine!” Aayla hissed. “We’re all having a damn sleepover!”

Jira threw up her hands, elated. “SLEEPOVER!”

I did the same and ignored the tears on my cheeks. “SLEEPOVER!”

It was not dignified at all. The sober people let us cling to one another and cry for a few more minutes before Ben wrapped his arms under my stomach to yank me away from Jira. He threw me over his shoulder like I was a hunting kill and I made faces at Jira while the four of us walked back to his hut.

 “This is your fault,” Ben said to Aayla when we walked into the hut. “Jira always drinks the product.”

Aayla snorted in disdain and pushed her girlfriend towards my room. “Whatever. I’m putting this one to bed, so take your drunk kid and lock it down.”

 “You better not be doing what I saw through the window!” Ben called. “That is a minor’s bed!”

 “Oh, we’re doing it!” Aayla retorted.

I scratched at Ben’s back, yawning. “What were they doing?”

He grunted irately under his breath and nudged open his bedroom door. “Cuddling.”

Our trip to see Jira had been fruitless. I could hear her and Aayla giggling in the next room as Ben lowered me to his bed and went to the window to draw the blinds. It was dark and cold. I tucked the sheets under my chin and watched him pacing the room, rearranging things. He was nervous.

 “Yah wanna cuddle?!” I chirped. I squirmed until my back touched the wall, beaming. “Sounds like Jira and Aayla are having fun!”

Ben rolled his eyes, dragging his fingers through his hair. “Yeah, I bet they are. You’re not sleeping in there anymore.”

 “Okie dokie! I like your room more, anyway.” I buried my face in his pillows and laughed. “Smells like boy. You got anymore drinks?”

 “Nope. No. Not for you. Maybe when you’re older and this isn’t as weird and I won’t feel guilty.”

So he _did_ have some! I peeked out of the sheets and wormed my way to the edge of the bed, bending over it to look underneath. Sure enough there were some bottles and packs of drinks and I knew exactly what they were. I cooed like a happy bird and snatched a can and cracked it open to take a few swigs before Ben could stop me. It didn’t taste as sweet but I coughed and choked half of it back.

He tore it away and scowled. “Cut it out!”

 “NO!” I rolled on my back and moaned, stretching my limbs. “I wanna cuddle, too! Cuddle me, you friggen jerk!”

Ben glanced at the open can and finished the rest. “No, we’re not cuddling. You’re sixteen and I’m not cuddling a sixteen-year-old.”

I wasn’t a baby. I clambered to the edge of the bed again and swatted Ben away when he tried to stop me from crawling underneath it. He grabbed my leg as I took hold of a bottle and opened it, tilting the lip back to take a few swigs. Oh… no. It was even worse than the other stuff. I coughed and spluttered but clenched my arms around it as Ben dragged me from under the bed.

Ben hovered over me, scowling. “Stop, Rey.”

My lower lip trembled and I clutched the bottle of alcohol. “But I love you. Don’t you love me?”

 “Yes, but I think I went too far earlier and I’m definitely not doing anything with you when you’re drunk.” He tore the bottle out of my hands.

 “Jira and Aayla are doing things!”

 “Jira and Aayla are both full grown adults.” Ben hesitated, then took a swig from the bottle and flinched. “I know our bond is deep and confusing but that doesn’t change your age.”

I scowled. “It didn’t keep you from doing bad things with me earlier, _Ben!_ You called me names and rubbed on me and I know what you wanted! You’re… you’re confusing me! You’re trying to manipulate me!”

He let go of me, eyes widening. “I don’t want to—”

 “You a _re_ a bully!” I squirmed from underneath him and clawed my way back into the bed. “You came here… Being MEAN! Now you want me to do whatever you say while you call me a slut and a whore and you drag me back to the First Order! Well I’m… I’m not EITHER of those things! You JERK! And I didn’t like you pushing your fingers in me like I was… like I was dirty!”

Ben moved back a few more feet, pale. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

I knelt in the bed and kept ripping into him, empowered by the alcohol. “You knew what you were doing. Slapping my butt and pushing my underwear in my mouth! Do you think I’m cheap?! Am I even a real person to you?! I’ve never even really kissed a boy and you just made it all so confusing and weird and I…” I clutched my head, sinking back. “I don’t know what to think.”

 “I love you, Rey. I want you so badly.”

 “I don’t CARE!” I retorted, furious. “This is all new to me! You come back after two years and this is such a deep, weird thing, but you don’t get it! Jira is right—just because I have boobs and a lightsaber doesn’t mean I’m suddenly fair game for you. I could marry Galen, you know!”

He nodded quickly and dropped his head. “I know. I’m so sorry.”

 “No, you’re not. You overpower me, and you know it—and you like it.” I squirmed under the sheets and glared at Ben. “You can sleep on the floor. I don’t want to talk to you.”

Ben kept nodding and sank down to the floorboards without another word. I was suffused in all the confusion from our encounter and I turned my back to him to cry quietly to myself.


	17. My head is bloody, but unbowed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so chiss go thru puberty is 1-2 years (yeah) and truly do age much faster than humans  
> gonna put in some jealousy heheheh

The next morning was quiet and still.

My eyes peeled open in the soft light streaming through the curtains to find Ben was still asleep on the floor. He’d at least found a blanket but didn’t bother with a pillow. I stared down at him and slowly sat up in bed to rub my face. My brain was throbbing. I… probably shouldn’t have yelled at him.

 “…Rey?”

Jira was peeking in the bedroom. She didn’t have any hair to mess up but her blue eyes were lidded and she looked exhausted. She was already dressed in her white robes but looked more like she wanted to crawl back into bed.

I smiled faintly and managed to slip out of bed without disturbing my Dark counterpart, carefully tiptoeing over him. Ben sighed in his sleep and went back to snoring when I left the room.

Jira and I glanced at each other and laughed into our hands.

I took a shower and emerged from the ‘fresher in my black Knight robes. Both Ben and Aayla were still asleep as Jira and I left the hut together to attend to our duties. My mouth still tasted vaguely of alcohol and regret. Thank the Force Ben had the sense to turn me down. I was never drinking that garbage again. Not only did it taste bad, but it made me an emotional wreck.

Jira nudged me with her elbow. “I’m sorry for last night.”

 “It wasn’t your fault.” I and shook my head, gesturing towards the hut. “Poor Ben—I really lit into him. I’ll have to apologize later.”

The grass was dimpled with dew and Padawans were making their way back to the Temple for training. Luke was going to assign one of them to me—still a strange thought. I’d been one of them just a handful of days ago, running around in my brown robes and planning my trip across the galaxy to find Ben.

 “I may be coming around to him,” Jira admitted. “Aayla said he was worried sick about you and slept on the floor all night. And uh… sorry we stole your bedroom.”

I almost let it slip that I intended on sleeping with Ben, anyway, but managed to stop myself. Instead I just laughed it off and swayed my hip into hers and rested my head on her arm.

The Temple was full up for breakfast. I sat with Jira, Senni, and Oola, and chowed down on scrambled eggs and home fries. The Knights of Ren were sitting alone and kept an eye on me, murmuring amongst themselves. I shifted closer to Senni and shoveled as much food as possible down my throat. Creepy. If I left with Ben I hoped I’d never see them around.

 “Heard you broke up a party last night,” Oola drawled. “Way to be, Jira.”

 “Just because the goth boyband is here—” Jira pointed at the Knights of Ren “—doesn’t mean Spintir is turning into Sodom and Gomorrah. Plus, you’re all underage.”

Senni made a face at a burnt piece of bacon. “You better not interfere at our birthday parties. Right, Rey? You’re a Knight now, so don’t you have some say?”

 “…No, Senni,” I sighed, patting her back. “That’s not how it works.”

Jira’s eyes suddenly flickered up and a hush settled across the cafeteria. Her expression hardened and Oola shrank into her, gaze wide and scared. I frowned and turned with my mouth full of eggs.

Ben was standing in the doorway in the same black robes he’d fallen asleep in, thankfully not in the black getup with the cape. He was probably in too much pain to put all that junk on. His hair was brushed but messy and he had both of his lightsabers clipped to his hip. Relief crossed his face when his dark eyes fell upon me and I could see his cybernetic hand trembling.

I remembered to keep chewing after a second and stared as he crossed the cafeteria and didn’t take his eyes off me. Senni pressed closer and touched my arm.

 “What does _he_ want?” she muttered.

It was still dead silent. I blinked stupidly as Ben sat on the other side of me and stiffened when he snaked his arms around my waist to drag me closer. Oola’s face went blank as he nuzzled into my neck and under my chin like a cat looking to be pet. Jira angrily ate a handful of bacon.

 “I didn’t know where you were,” Ben mumbled, squeezing me. His forehead was sweaty.

I laughed awkwardly and pushed him away. “Just… getting breakfast.” My voice pitched with anxiety when Ben refused to let go. “You should probably go back to bed; you’re sweating like crazy.”

People were starting to talk again but watching Ben and I. Jira snapped her fingers at him and dipped them in her water to fling some droplets at his face.

 “Down, boy!” she snapped. “Release the child!”

Ben hissed and glared at her from under my neck. “You look a little under the weather, _Master_. What were you doing last night?”

My laughter became higher pitched and spastic and I kept pushing Ben’s chest. “Let’s go get you some food!”

The girls stared after us when I finally got Ben to his feet. He was truly sweating like a pig in a slaughterhouse and looked very pale. Padawans shifted away as we passed them on our way to the buffet table and I glanced over my shoulder as I got a plate for him.

 “You can’t come in here and be all over me!” I spooned scrambled eggs on the plate, shaking my head furiously. “They’re all still mad and scared and if they see me—a Knight—letting you… canoodle me in public…!” I moved to the home fries and glared at them as I scooped. “It makes me look really bad!”

 “I don’t care.” Ben rubbed the edge of my robe in his fingertips and stood close as we made our way down the table. “You’re mine. None of them will matter when we return to the First Order.”

I shoved the plate in his hands, scowling up at him. “I am not going with you, Ben. I’m staying here, so if you’re so insistent on being with me, you’ll have to stay here, too. Sans your emo fanclub over there.”

 “The Knights go wherever I go.”

 “I don’t care,” I said snidely, mocking his voice. “They’re creepy and they’re upsetting the Padawans so they need to get lost.”

Ben searched my eyes. “…Will that make you happy?”

 “ _Obviously._ ”

He nodded and left my side to head to the table where they were all sitting together. I rolled my eyes and went back to sit with my girlfriends, stewing.

Oola leaned across the table, whispering conspiratorially. “So are you two like… a thing?”

Jira didn’t even look up from her food to backhand Oola’s upper arm. She sat back and crossed her arms, sticking her tongue out of the Twi’lek. I tried to keep putting food in my mouth so I didn’t have to answer their questions but I was quickly running out. Dangit.

 “He’s a bad guy, Oola,” Senni said. “Did you see what he did to Jira? And Galen says he almost choked him to death last night!” Her eyes flickered to me and she tugged down the edge of my robe near my neck and gasped. “Rey! Did you get in a fight with a vacuum?!”

I swatted her hands away, reddening. “Ask Galen!”

 “Galen said he kissed you for like two seconds before Ben came running out.” Oola smiled widely with a knowing look on her face. “Guess one of you has to be lying.”

Jira narrowed her eyes. “Yeah, Rey. Galen told me the same thing. Who’s lying?”

Oh no. I couldn’t admit that Ben and I were making out and doing all kinds of other stuff. That would probably be the final straw with Jira and Luke wouldn’t let him stay. My only option would be to go back to the First Order with him and… Oh _no_.

 “They’ll leave this afternoon.”

I glanced up at the sound of Ben’s voice as he sat next to me with another plate of food. He started eating and raised his eyebrows at me like I shouldn’t be surprised.

 “The Knights?” I clarified. “They’re leaving? Today?”

 “Of course. They do whatever I tell them to do.” Ben shrugged and offered me a piece of bacon. “Eat; you still look hungry.”

The other four of us exchanged looks. Jira cocked her head, puckering her lips.

 “You… sent the boyband away?” she asked. “…Why?”

 “Rey asked me to,” Ben said like it should’ve been obvious. He nudged me with his elbow. “Eat, little one.”

Okay… I’d asked him before and he refused, though. I chewed my bacon and Jira did the same with hers, both of us watching Ben suspiciously. Oola cleared her throat and clasped her hands on the table.

 “Do you know what happened to Rey’s neck, Ben?” she asked innocently.

He didn’t look up. “I don’t know. The kid, right? Little Padawan?”

Jira tapped her nails on the table and rested her elbow on the arm of her chair to press her fingers to her temple, studying Ben. “Galen says he didn’t do it, and you’re the only other one Rey’s been around. Wonder how she managed to get so many hickies if neither of you did it.”

I tugged my robe around my neck and groaned. “Jira, cut it out!”

Ben raised his eyes to stare back at her, smiling fiendishly and chewing bacon. “Let me know when you solve that mystery, Master Jira.”

She rose from her chair and leaned pressed her hands to the table to smile back at him. Oola shrank away and kept on eating, glancing between the two of them like she was watching a movie. Senni wasn’t as excited.

 “I already know what happened,” Jira said in a low tone.

Ben stood up, too, and he towered over her like he did pretty much everyone. He also rested his hands on the table and his smile widened. “And what are you going to do about it?”

I was horribly uncomfortable. I pushed away from the table and hurried out of the cafeteria without saying a word to anyone. Eyes followed and Ben and Jira called me but I didn’t care.

The sun was up, sparkling in the dewy grass, and my boots dampened as I hurried towards the training grounds to find Luke. I wanted to meet my Padawan and not have to listen to Ben and Jira argue anymore. It was annoying being caught between them all the time. I hadn’t even gotten the chance to apologize to Ben because the two of them wouldn’t just cut it out for five minutes.

Luke was on the hill over the grounds with his hood up. He turned and smiled as I approached and I smiled back. He was still kind of a mystery to me. Even Jira didn’t know him that well.

 “Your nephew is up walking,” I said, rolling my eyes. “But he sent the Knights back, so that’s good.”

 “Did he?” Luke nodded and raised his eyebrows. “That’s good. So, what brings you here?”

I looked down at the Padawans mingling together. “I have to take one of them, right? I kind of wanted to train another girl but I can take a boy, too.”

Luke frowned at me. “Rey… you’re not taking a Padawan yet.”

It felt like my heart sank to my stomach. What? Why not?! That was… that was my rite of passage as a new Knight! Everyone was assigned four of them but Luke only wanted me to take one or two so I could keep an eye on Ben. I laughed a bit and shifted my stance towards him.

 “But I’m a Knight,” I said, shaking my head. “You said I’d take one.”

 “When Ben leaves, maybe.” Luke hesitated and looked away from me. “His presence makes the Padawans nervous—they aren’t used to feeling the Dark Side. I can’t ask one of them to spend almost all of their time around him.”

 “Ben is harmless. Maybe it’s good for them to be exposed to it.”

Luke’s blue eyes shifted to me again, guarded. “No, Rey. It’s not good for them.”

 “Well…” I wrung my hands and held back tears. “I can when Ben leaves, right?”

It was horrible. I’d been so excited… Yeah it would be a lot of work, but I couldn’t wait to train someone. Luke kept staring at me and clenched his jaw.

 “I’m not sure,” he admitted. “It’s complicated, considering your relationship with Ben. You might not even be here to choose a Padawan, if Ben had his way.” He averted his eyes to the training grounds. “And I can’t stop him if he tries to take you away from Spintir.”

I backed away, hurt and angry, and turned on my heel to run back to my hut. Luke was telling me I was tainted now for associating with Ben—and worse, that he wouldn’t try to stop Ben if he kidnapped me. But he wasn’t going to do that, anyway. He’d respect my wishes. Right?

On the way to the hut I passed a small group of Padawans and didn’t even glance at them. I was sniffling and wiping tears away when I heard them stop murmuring and one called out to me.

 “Hey—are you Rey?”

I turned, gathering myself, and was surprised that I had to look up at a tall, male Chiss. He had the typical features, but Spintir wasn’t a high-oxygen planet so his red eyes were dull maroon and his skin was dark blue. His hair was jet black, though, swept to the side, and his voice was deep like Ben’s.

He shooed away the two very human girls with him and approached me, hands in his pockets. I’d never seen him before and I didn’t know how. He was imposing. Maybe because I was always focused on Ben.

 “Uh… hi,” I said, offering my hand. “I’m Rey, yes. Who are you?”

 “Jer’Jo. Nice to meet you.” He accepted the gesture and smiled. “I’ve heard a lot about you. Has Luke assigned your Padawan yet?”

 “Ah, no, he hasn’t. I won’t be taking a Padawan.”

Jer’Jo frowned. “No?”

 “No. It’s ‘complicated.’” I said the last word with air quotes and an eye roll. “Anyway, I’m going to go take a nap or something so have a good day.”

He took a few strides to walk beside me, shrugging. “Actually, Luke’s been waiting to assign me to someone more advanced. Maybe we can go convince him to let you train me?”

We stopped and I blinked up at him in surprise. His eyes were awfully eerie but he had a nice face, all square and masculine. He looked like he was Ben’s age, actually.

 “You… want me to train you?” I echoed. “You know Ben Solo is attached to my hip, right?”

Jer’Jo laughed and shrugged again. “Yeah, I know, but it’s worth it if you can train me. Not to be a humblebrag, but I’m powerful just like you. The other Knights won’t be much help.”

Well… If the Padawan came to me requesting my help, would Luke change his mind? I figured it wouldn’t hurt to try so I agreed and walked back to the training grounds with Jer’Jo. He was a chatty thing, quizzing me about what ‘form’ I used for fighting (none of them; I was a melee fighter at heart) and how I’d been able to make my lightsaber so fast.

Luke looked surprised when he saw us but listened to Jer’Jo explaining his idea. I waited anxiously and Luke nodded and shrugged, agreeing that I was a logical Knight to train him and Jer’Jo was ‘old enough’ to be able to handle himself. He pondered out loud why he hadn’t thought of assigning Jer’Jo to me in the first place.

I left the hill in a much more positive mood and beamed up at my new Padawan. It was weird being shorter than him.

 “How old are you, anyway?” I asked.

 “Me? Fourteen.”

 “You’re _fourteen?_ You look about thirty!”

Jer’Jo laughed. “Chiss grow at about double the rate humans do. I’m physically and emotionally equivalent to a human twenty-eight-year-old. Weird, huh?”

 “Only a little.” I chewed the inside of my cheek. “I don’t have any lesson plans or anything for today… I’ll put something together and we can start tomorrow, if that’s okay with you.”

He grinned and stopped in front of me. “Sure—Master.”

I was about to reply with something snarky when I suddenly felt the Dark pressure of Ben nearby. Jer’Jo glanced up and his smile faded as he tilted his head in an almost threatening way.

 “Who is this, Rey?”

Ben’s hands slid over my shoulders. I craned my neck back to look up at him and he smiled down at me. He’d showered, which was shocking. I figured he’d have been all over Spintir looking for me.

 “Oh, hey, Ben,” I chirped. “This is Jer’Jo. He’s my Padawan.”

Jer’Jo offered his hand for a shake. “Nice to meet you.”

Ben totally ignored him and jerked his head towards the huts. “Let’s go swim. Jira and I have agreed to a temporary truce—and Oola is driving me nuts just like she used to.”

 “Okay, sounds fun.” I pointed to Jer’Jo. “I will meet you at the training grounds tomorrow morning after breakfast, alright? It’ll be great!” Ben was pulling me away and I staggered. “You’ll only have a few bruises!”

 “Oh, I hope so,” Jer’Jo called, waving goodbye.

The dew had dried on the grass and the suns were beating down. Ben slipped his arm around my waist and yanked me closer and I squirmed, glaring up at him. His grip tightened and he suddenly yanked me behind a tree and shoved me into it to give me a bruising kiss on the lips. He pressed against his body against mine and jammed his tongue in my mouth.

I caught my breath when he moved on to my neck. “Ben, Jer’Jo might be able to see us!”

He seized my jaw in his hand to turn my head and rolled my skin through his teeth to leave more marks. It stung and I didn’t want the girls asking more questions. I struggled but he was too strong.

 “Good,” Ben breathed huskily. He stood straight, still holding my jaw, and pressed his forehead to mine so all I could see were his dark eyes. “You’re _mine_ , Rey, and I won’t let you forget it.”

I shoved him away and wiped his spit off my neck and mouth. Jer’Jo was gone. Hopefully he didn’t see or hear anything.


	18. Beyond this place of wrath and tears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gotta pick up da paceeee
> 
> also this is gonna get darker from here on out kidnapping and more dubious consent

We went swimming for an hour or two. Jira and Ben sat by the riverbank, watching Senni, Oola, and I drifting along with the weak current, and occasionally talked to one another. Jira left with the two girls for their daily training and I spent the rest of the day planning my first training session with Jer’Jo while Ben slept off more fever-inducing venom.

I woke Ben up for dinner as dusk was falling across Spintir. He was trembling and pale and clammy, covered in sweat after his third shower that day. I frowned and knelt beside the bed to kiss his forehead and winced at the heat and salty taste. Maybe he needed to go to Coruscant. He was really sick.

 “I’m fine,” he insisted, struggling to sit up. “I just need food.”

 “Yeah, right. You’re not going anywhere.” I pushed him back down and tucked the sheet around his neck. “Relax—I’ll go get dinner and bring it back here and we can eat together. ‘Kay?” I leaned over to kiss his forehead again and brushed his black hair back.

Ben clenched his jaw. “Tell me if that Padawan talks to you.”

 “You mean _my_ Padawan?” I rolled my eyes and patted Ben’s cheek. “Trust me, Jer’Jo and everyone else in the galaxy knows better than to cross you. Drink some water and go to sleep.”

He grabbed my wrist and his throat bobbed. “Can’t you trade him for someone… scrawnier? And female? Preferably a toddler?”

 “Luke didn’t even want me to take a Padawan and Jer’Jo needs someone who has high Force sensitivity. Plus, he’s fourteen.”

 “Chiss grow in dog years; he’s essentially my age, Rey. Older, actually. He’s not some kid like Galen.”

I called my lightsaber and clipped it to my hip, raising my eyebrows. “Then that gives him even less reason to be remotely interested in a sixteen-year-old. Right?”

Ben huffed indignantly and turned on his side.

I slipped out of the hut into the cool evening and stretched my arms towards the sky. Birds called to each other as they flew overhead to roost for the night and crickets were tentatively beginning to sing for a mate. The other Knights had already left and I was alone in the shrinking light on my trek to the Temple. Why was it so damn far away?

The solitude was nice. It felt like someone was always looking for me or needed my help. Ben might as well be surgically attached to my hip. I only had peace because he was too sick to move.

Warm lights spilled across the deep green grass outside the Temple. A few Padawans were still filtering in and both Oola and Senni were waiting for me near the door. We chatted and walked to the cafeteria together and they asked why Ben wasn’t with me.

It was crowded. I went to the buffet to get dinner to go for Ben and me and Jira joined us, too. We were talking about going hiking after training the next day when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

I turned with the two containers full to see Jer’Jo there, hands in his pockets again. Oola and Senni turned, too, laughing, then they both slowly looked up at his face. Jira beamed at the sight of him and the two of them hugged. If he was friends with Jira that was good enough for me.

 “I didn’t know you meant Jer’Jo!” Jira said, nudging my arm. “We go way back. He’s here on and off because his parents are politicians on Chiss. What are your plans anyway, Jer’Jo?”

 “I’m heading back to Csilla in next year to take my place as head of House Sabosen.” Jer’Jo shrugged. “I’ve learned a great deal from the Jedi that should help me with the social issues we govern, and my mother thinks it’s time that I take over.”

So that was why he wasn’t a Knight yet. Being a Jedi was a part-time gig for him—and Luke was okay with that? No wonder he didn’t care about me taking on Jer’Jo as a Padawan.

Oola stepped a little closer, brushing her hand down her montral and over her lekku. “Um… Hey Jer’Jo. I’m Oola—remember me?”

I rolled my eyes when Senni did the same thing—didn’t she have a boyfriend? Jira scowled and dragged them both back by the ears as Aayla joined us.

 “I don’t think so,” Jira said. “He’s too old for both of you and Chiss only marry amongst themselves.”

 “ _Technically_ he’s fourteen,” Aayla teased, kissing Jira on the cheek.

Jer’Jo rubbed the back of his and smiled awkwardly. “That’s true, we do. You girls don’t want anything to do with an old timer like me, anyway.” His red eyes shifted to me and he cocked his head. “Where are you headed, Rey? Leaving so soon?”

 “Oh… uh, Ben isn’t feeling well so we’re going to have dinner in the hut. Kyaddak venom.”

I understood the appeal Jer’Jo had and I’d never been attracted to anyone beside Ben before. Galen… a little, but he was short and kind of scrawny. Ben and Jer’Jo were both tall and broad-shouldered and mesmerizing in their own way and I figured I unconsciously liked the safety they could give me. I glanced at the floor, reddening. Apparently I had a type.

 “Where did you run into kyaddaks?” Jer’Jo asked, interrupting my thoughts. “Oh—Christophsis?”

Jira nodded and slipped an arm around Aayla’s waist. “Serves him right. It bit off his hand, too. Didn’t you hear about it, Jer’Jo?”

 “Well I saw the cybernetic hand. Pretty badass, if you ask me.” The Chiss raised an eyebrow, smiling at Jira. “Be nice, Jira. Kyaddak venom is extremely painful and takes weeks to leave your body. Poor guy is probably in agony and he did send the Knights away. Spite is bad for your blood pressure, y’know.”

 “…I guess,” Jira muttered.

Oola, Senni, and I stared up at him while he spoke. He was so mature and well-spoken and… nice. My pulse quickened, and I cleared my throat and started walking away. I could feel the darkness from Ben, even across the distance separating us. He was getting worried.

 “Ben’s calling,” I said. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”

Jer’Jo followed after me, though, frowning. “Calling? How?”

Eh, he was my Padawan. It couldn’t hurt to tell him about my deep, complicated, bizarre bond with Ben.

I skirted a group of Padawans. “Ben and I are counterparts in the Force. We have a deep connection and I can feel his emotions sometimes. Beyond that no one really understands it that well. It’s rare.”

 “That’s interesting. Do your share any physical sensations?”

 “Not really. Luke said it’ll probably get deeper the older I get. They found me when I was still a little kid and… it was hard for Ben. He left for a while to give both of us space and now he’s back.”

 “Hard how?”

Night had nearly fallen outside and the crickets were much more boisterous. Fireflies hung by the edge of the forest, fading into the darkness. Everyone was in the cafeteria eating and I wondered if Jer’Jo had eaten dinner or just cut it short to follow me around. I pressed my lips together in a tight line.

 “It’s a deep bond,” I said curtly, “and Snoke poisoned him. He had some inappropriate urges that he didn’t act on. That’s it.”

Jer’Jo raised his eyebrows. His red eyes glowed. “Oh—I’m sorry to intrude but Jira wouldn’t talk about it; just told us he was like an older brother or dad or something. That’s good though, that he left. Couldn’t have been easy for either of you. Ben cried for weeks when he first came here.”

Ben c _ried_? He was always so stoic—well, unless I was mad at him—that I couldn’t imagine it. Jira said the two of them had a symbiotic relationship, though: he helped her become stronger in the Force and she helped him make friends and integrate socially.

I frowned up at Jer’Jo. “Didn’t he want to be here?”

 “Oh, god, no.” He laughed, shaking his head. “He’d always talk about how he wanted to be a pilot like his father. We all knew why Leia sent him here: he was a political liability. Used to have insane temper tantrums and fling shit across the room without realizing it, or make stuff explode.” His red eyes scanned the forest. “Everyone used to whisper that he had too much Vader in him.”

We stopped on the crest of the hill near the huts. Dinner was getting cold but this was all new and upsetting information. Ben didn’t even w _ant_ to be a Jedi? And his mother sent him to Spintir to essentially get him out of her hair? That’s didn’t sound right.

 “But Ben is highly Force-sensitive,” I said. “He needed help.”

 “Well, yeah, but shipping him off to Luke wasn’t the solution. We all know Luke is afraid of him, even more so with the Dark Side stuff. Everyone’s scared of him, honestly, except you and Jira. If he hadn’t met her I think he would’ve done something awful by now.”

I scowled. “Ben isn’t a psychopath. You don’t understand him.”

Jer’Jo nodded in agreement. “No, I don’t. I’ve never had a problem with him, but I’m only here a few months of the year. I just thought you deserved to know, that’s all. Maybe with this weird bond you two have you can be the first person to take the time to help him and care. It must be hard to be seen as a monster by everyone around you, right?”

Yeah… must be.

Then I felt another pulse of darkness and my gaze flickered towards it.

Ben was on all fours at the bottom of the hill and trying to crawl up it. I groaned and Jer’Jo offered to take the food so I could rush down and help him, but I was too weak to drag him back to his feet. He was moaning and absolutely pouring sweat and I could faintly smell alcohol.

 “Great!” I snapped. “Alcohol mixes great with a fever and major surgery!”

He got to his knees and grasped my forearms, panting. “I… I didn’t know where you went. It got dark. I thought you—” Then his dark eyes roamed to Jer’Jo and he bristled. “What’s the Chiss doing here?!”

 “Cut it out, Ben! Come on, you’re crawling back to the damn hut. I can’t carry you.”

Jer’Jo handed the food back to me. “Let me help, Rey.”

Ben was severely weakened by the culmination of pain and sickness so he couldn’t fight back as Jer’Jo helped him to his feet. He slung Ben’s arm around the back of his neck and wrapped a long arm around his ribs, hoisting Ben up like he weighed practically nothing. I blinked and led him through the huts to Ben’s on the fringe and was annoyed to see the lights were off.

I opened the door, miffed. “He was literally laying here in the dark moping. You can throw him in his bedroom.”

Jer’Jo nodded and nudged the door open with his foot when I pointed to it. I heard Ben mumbling under his breath and rolled my eyes as I followed after them with the food.

It was an interesting sight. Ben was on his back, searching for me through lidded eyes, and Jer’Jo was sitting in my desk chair sighing at an empty bottle of alcohol. I sat on the edge of the bed next to Ben and set my dinner aside to open his, scooping up some mashed potatoes. His head was propped up by the pillows but he sat up to lean on my shoulder and opened his mouth like a baby bird.

 “This is embarrassing for both of us,” I said as he took his first bite.

 “Hmmph,” he grumbled.

Jer’Jo set the bottle on the desk. “Well that expired two years ago so he might start vomiting in a few hours, but I can’t promise anything.”

 “I always wanted my own toddler. Delirious, no coordination, vomiting.” I watched Ben slide down my arm and into my lap and had to prop his head up with one arm so he wouldn’t choke. “And now I have to lock up the alcohol and feed him. Am I a Jedi or his mother?”

 “You’re just paying him back for when he did it for you,” Jer’Jo offered, urbane as always.

Ben nodded and gestured vaguely in my Padawan’s direction. “What he said.” He chewed a piece of chicken and fought to keep his eyes open. “And I brushed your teeth, gave you baths, cleaned up your puke, carried you every goddamn place you wanted to go…”

I shoved carrots in his mouth, scowling. “Shut up and eat.”

He finished his food quickly and dozed off in my lap. I didn’t have the heart to make him move so Jer’Jo handed me my dinner, which was now cold, and I dug in. Cold food didn’t bug me. I ate waterbread for most of my life. I was just happy that Ben fell asleep.

Jer’Jo had his fingertips on his temples and was smiling. “This is going to come out rudely—but you two have a very bizarre relationship.”

 “Oh, it gets more bizarre the longer you know us.” I finished gulping down the food and set the tray aside to squirm back on the mattress, leaning on the wall, and ran my fingers through Ben’s hair.

 “I’m sure. It makes sense, though, considering how young you were when the two of you met. But you’ve had some time on your own to figure out if this is what you want… three years, right?”

 “…Yeah, he left when I was thirteen.”

The Chiss clasped his hands in his lap, nodding. “Sure, that’s a good age. Must be interesting meeting your soulmate as such a young age, hm? In this enormous galaxy, you met him at… twelve? On Jakku, too—Tatooine’s less civilized counterpart. Then you live in the bubble that is Spintir, growing up with Jedi who were brought here as small children. What more could you want?”

I glanced down at Ben’s peaceful face and stopped combing my fingers through his soft hair for a moment. I didn’t need anything more. Ben was my other half and I’d get rid of the thing in him and we’d be happy somewhere. Right?

 “Ben’s tired,” I said tersely. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

Jer’Jo beamed and rose from the chair. “Sure thing.”

I watched him walk up the hill with his hands in his pockets and frowned. Ben was making me think and now Jer’Jo was doing the same. Maybe I did prefer the simple life I had before.

 “Rey?”

His voice was soft and sad and he was sagging on the doorway, rubbing his eyes. My heart skipped a beat and I smiled and went to him, arching on my tiptoes to kiss his chin. My Ben. Of course I’d never want anyone else.

 “You should shower,” I said. “You’ll feel better.”

Ben nuzzled into the side of my neck and leaned into me. “I can’t stand up. Come help me.”

Well… like Jer’Jo said, I had to repay the favor. I stepped around Ben to get him a thin shirt and pants for bed (and, uncomfortably, boxers) and brought him into the ‘fresher. He dropped down to the floor and laid there on his back, groaning, and I went to start the shower but figured a bath would be better. If he fell we’d both go down and _that_ would be unpleasant.

I filled the tub about halfway and shut the water off. “Okay, you’re on your own. Don’t drown.”

He didn’t respond so I turn to find he had passed out again. I sighed and crept around to straddle his hips, gently patting his cheeks to wake him up. Ben blinked and arched his hips toward mine and his eyelids fluttered again. Good lord…

 “You better not make this weird,” I said.

I hesitated but curled up the edge of his shirt to pull it over his head. Ben languidly raised his arms to help and I tried my best not to stare at the slightly sweaty muscles rippling down his chest. He opened one eye to watch me shimmy his pants off and started laughing and shifting on the floor.

 “Okay, we can do it here, I guess,” he slurred. “No condoms, though, so I’ll pull out.”

 “Nnnnope, we’re not doing that. You’re taking a bath.”

Ben blinked and arched his neck to look back at the tub. “But… are we having sex _in_ the bath, or after the bath?”

I managed to pull his pants off and started to get up, but Ben grabbed the front of my robe and dragged me down to him to give me a sloppy kiss. He wrapped an arm around my back to keep me from getting away and groped behind himself for the edge of the tub. I couldn’t do anything except follow his lead, protesting into his mouth, and his hand slipped into the water.

Ben laughed at his clumsiness and kept kissing me as he pulled himself over the edge, sending a splash of water on the floor and soaking me. I shook my head and squealed but he yanked me into the lukewarm water, too, and refused to let go.

 “ _Ben!_ ” I hissed. I squirmed against him, on my back, and gasped. “Seriously?!”

His arm slithered around my stomach to hold me in place and his nose brushed my neck. “Alright, you gotta get naked, too.”

 “You’re the only one taking a bath so let me go!”

 “Nope, you’re here, too.” Ben’s free hand wandered down to my pants and he pushed on the hem, grunting irately. “Take ‘em off.”

 “Ben, so help me—”

He pushed them down over my hip bone and growled and bit my neck when I tried pulling them back up. The Dark stirred when I kept demanding he cut it out and I could feel the sickness also begin to reach out for me. I panicked and tried to scratch his legs and Ben’s forearm was suddenly curled around my throat. Everything stopped and I took a sharp breath.

 “Stay still,” he whispered into my ear. “I won’t hurt you.”

The thing hooked into Ben’s mind and promptly began poisoning him. I could feel it seeping into his thoughts and driving his hands. He pushed on my pants but lost his patience and slipped his long fingers underneath them. I whimpered and squirmed and he tightened his arm around my throat, panting into my ear. My legs rose and he shushed me and the water splashed.

I grabbed his arm around my neck when his fingertips wormed into my panties and he was suddenly touching me between my legs. Tears beaded at the corners of my eyes and Ben murmured to me and kissed them away, sliding his very human fingers through the folds even I never touched. My breath caught and I pushed into him and felt he wasn’t as hard as usual. He kept kissing my temple.

Again the slimy thing reached for me, but the Light easily burned it back. It shrieked and spread deeper into Ben, consuming the darkness as he stroked me with his thumb. I squeezed my eyes shut, torn between enjoying what was happening and hating the parasite in Ben.

He rolled my earlobe through his teeth. “How does it feel?”

 “Good… but I can feel that thing—"

 “This?” Ben pulled me closer and pressed his arousal into my back. “It’s because I want you.” He released my throat and yanked down my pants to my knees, shimmying them off with his legs. “Let me wash, you Rey.”

 “Not that,” I stammered, “I mean the sickness.”

Ben used the Force to call a loofa to his hand and soaked it under the water. He tugged my shirt off and I was left in my bra and panties, shoulders hunched to hide myself from him. He reached back to grab a soap dispenser and squirted a bunch into the water to make suds that obscured our bodies. I shrewdly wondered why he wasn’t delirious and realized it was probably because of the illness.

His fingers worked between my legs and he kissed my throat. “I’m fine, my love. It’s just a fever.”

 “No, I mean the thing Snoke—”

Ben replaced his fingers with the loofa, gently rubbing it at the apex of my thighs above my panties. I whimpered, complaint forgotten, and gripped his thighs to meet the loofa. He slipped it underneath and my panting became higher pitched and faster and the water rippled. His lips drifted across my neck and he slowly thrusted his hips into my back, groaning against my skin.

We both slipped into silence. It was broken by our moans and gasps and the sound of the water splashing as I desperately squirmed against the loofa. Tension built between my legs and I sank my nails in Ben’s thighs and lost control of my voice as it tightened more and more. He kept sucking on my shoulder and I squeaked and pleaded with him when the tension was too much to control.

He curled his fingers around my throat and nuzzled into my hair at the base of my neck. “Good girl. Say my name.”

 “…Ben!” I breathed, thinking it would help for some reason. My eyes rolled back and I writhed between his legs. “Ben?! Ben!”

Then it snapped like a rubber band. My eyes popped open and I gasped and leaned forward, half-laughing and trying to catch my breath as pleasure rippled through me. Ben likewise leaned into my back and made a similar set of sounds, and I knew he felt the same exact thing through our bond. It was weird and deeply satisfying at the same time.

I kept taking deep, ragged breaths and Ben lifted me out of the tub and flipped the drain. He peeled off my panties and his boxers and pushed me along to his bedroom, both of us still sopping wet. I was quivering from what had happened and still flying high as he shoved me into his bed.

 “I felt that,” Ben whispered. He stared at me as I rolled onto my back. “I could feel it rippling through your pussy… Have you ever felt it before?”

 “N-No.” I eyed his hand around his manhood and blushed. “What’re you doing with that?”

He studied me for a second and knelt to get another bottle of alcohol from under the bed. I blinked stupidly when he offered it to me and decided to grab the neck in my hand.

 “Take a sip,” Ben murmured. “It’ll help you relax.”

 “…Okay.”

I took a few sips and Ben took a few gulps. He threw the bottle aside and climbed into bed on top of me and we were both naked. My heart hammered as he seized my hand and yanked it between his legs and I curled my fingers around his hot, hard manhood. I stiffened and tried not to look into his eyes as Ben grunted and thrust into my palm and panted into my collarbone. It was thick and I didn’t want it in me.

Ben bit me and drew blood. “Ah… _fuck_ , Rey!” He drew back and took over pumping his manhood, gazing down at me. “I’m going to cum all over you and you’re going to like it.”

 “Okay,” I mumbled.

The sickness scrambled towards me as ropes of thick, white fluid spurted out of Ben and onto my chest. I mewled as the sensation spread through me like a warm tingle and he grunted and groaned on top of me, squeezing out all his essence. It was hot and sticky.

Ben panted and swiped most of it off my chest to push between my legs, slipping it inside my body. I tried to get away but he slipped two fingers in my mouth and I taste him, salt and fluid and all.

 “Good girl,” he crooned. “Take it.”

But I knew what the fluid meant. I waited until Ben passed out next to me to slip out of bed to the ‘fresher and scrubbed between my legs, praying none of it got any deeper. Tears welled in my eyes at the thought of becoming pregnant at sixteen and I sank to the floor with my head in my hands.

I loved him, but I didn’t understand him.


	19. Looms but the Horror of the shade,

_‘…The girl… Get the girl…’_

There was a voice whispering to me that was sickeningly familiar. I sat up on the ‘fresher floor, still naked, eyes crusty from tears, and expected it to stop as I yawned and stretched. My eyelids were all puffy and swollen. I clambered to my feet to splash water on my face and took a deep breath. The bite Ben had given me on my collarbone was scabbing over.

 ‘ _Break… her…’_

I blinked and turned. It felt like the voice was inside my head. Ben moaned from the other room and I was suddenly struck by a terrifying image.

_I’m lying on my stomach underneath someone—but I’m not in my own body. I’m in the stranger’s and I can feel excitement pulse through their veins as I turn my head and break into sobs. They murmur an empty platitude and their fingers curl around my throat and start squeezing mercilessly. I watch in horror as I choke and gasp for air and this strange person is overwhelmed with pleasure at the sound and sight._

The bed creaked in Ben’s bedroom as I was freed from the vision, gasping and covering my mouth in revulsion. I glanced at the ‘fresher door when I heard footsteps and soon after there was a tentative knock. My pulse quickened.

 “…Rey?” Ben, obviously. He sounded exhausted. “Are you okay?”

No, I wasn’t, but I was too angry with him to admit it. I wrapped a towel around myself and flung the door open to shove Ben back with one hand, simmering with rage.

 “YOU!” I snapped. “You… asshole!” I pushed him again and readjusted my towel. “I’ve had it with you! I’m living with Jira or the Padawans or something!”

 ‘ _Shut her mouth… demand respect…_ ’

Ben flinched ever so slightly. “You’re not going anywhere! I have to be able to watch you at all times, Rey, and I can’t do that if you’re up in the damn Temple or living with Jira!”

_The stranger slaps me across the face and I fall to the floor and lose my grip on my towel. I scramble  away but they grab my ankle to drag me underneath them and wrap an arm around my neck. Their weight is enough to keep me pinned and I can feel the same nauseating excitement again as I scream and flail and choke myself trying to escape. The stranger whispers and I recognize the voice. Ben—but mottled with evil like the other day._

The vision made me even angrier and I brushed past him to sleep in my own bedroom. There were still a few hours until I had to meet Jer’Jo and I needed more rest. Maybe the visions were just because of all the stress I was under lately. I’d have to ask Jira her opinion.

Ben grabbed my arm and I spun around to slap him across the face. The voice hissed and became louder, ranting all kinds of terrible things he should do to me in retaliation. My eyes widened as I stared up at Ben while he winced and rubbed his cheek. Was I hearing the sickness in his mind, too?

 “I’m sorry,” he muttered, releasing my arm.

 “Yeah, you keep saying that, then do the same thing again. I could get _pregnant_. Is that what you really want?”

  _‘Ideal… she’ll never escape… poison from the inside… out…’_

 “No.” Ben clenched his jaw and averted his eyes from mine. “Sometimes stuff seems like a good idea in the heat of the moment, and that thing is driving me insane.”

I stepped closer, furrowing my eyebrows. “I think I can hear it.”

The voice quieted, then a laugh echoed through my head.

  _‘Ah, little Jedi whore. Hello, hello.’_

Oh no. Why could I hear it? Did that mean it had gotten inside me, too? But the Light would always burn it back when it came too close and I never felt it take a hold of me like it did Ben.

 “I can’t believe this!” Ben growled under his breath and took a step back, shaking his head. “No… NO!”

This wasn’t good for either of us. Ben was so upset that the Dark rippled out of him and shattered a cup sitting on the table and the entire hut trembled. I edged into my bedroom and hung by the doorframe, staring at him as he clutched his head and kept repeating ‘no’ over and over again. The sickness engulfed the darkness raging through Ben and used it as fuel to continue speaking to me.

It was still only in Ben, but our thoughts were linked somehow and I could hear it, too. I leaned on the doorframe and looked around futilely when it laughed again, louder this time. A Stranger.

  _‘What should I drive him to do to you?’_ it pondered in an eerie whisper. An image flashed of Ben pushing me over the edge of the bathtub and holding my head underwater while he—

 “NO! NO!”

I hardly noticed Ben’s fingers in mine but the Light was as eager as ever to burn through him. It snarled through our skin and the Stranger shrieked and recoiled and the vision it sent was lost. Ben dropped to his knees and gasped in pain and I tore my hand free of his, horrified by what was happening.

The Stranger came back with an irritated hiss. _‘You wretch! You’ll kill both of us!’_ It went back to the same vision from before and I could feel the sensation of holding a struggling head underwater as bubbles popped to the surface and the Stranger forced sensations of pleasure on Ben.

He groped for my hands again and took both of them in his, kneeling in front of me with his head bowed, and screamed when the Light zeroed in on the Dark. My heart pounded and I could feel flickers of agony from him and it was too much for me to take. I tried to shake my hands free, but Ben held on tight and his scream broke into a sob. He struggled to catch his breath.

  _‘Jedi BITCH!’_ wailed the Stranger. _‘I’ll make him KILL YOU!’_

It tried to burrow deeper to protect itself but the Light jolted through the darkness and seared the sickness again, chewing away at the tendrils attaching it to Ben’s mind. The Stranger had no choice but to retreat deeper and further than before and I had a feeling it wouldn’t come back for a while.

I finally yanked my hands away and Ben whimpered in pain and leaned into my abdomen, wrapping his arms around my waist. Trembling, I embraced his head and drew my fingers through his hair. It was worse than I’d ever imagined. Poor Ben…

He buried his face in my stomach and took a heaving breath. “It whispers to me all the time. I’ve learned how to tune it out, but sometimes…” His voice caught in his throat.

I’d never been exposed to such horrible things. Tears welled up in my eyes and I wanted to go find Jira or Luke and beg them to help me fix Ben—but I was a Knight. I was supposed to be responsible and mature and solve my own problems, even if they seemed like they were more than I could handle. And it was Ben, and I loved him, and I had to help him.

I slowly slid down to my knees and cupped Ben’s face between my hands. His cheeks were streaked with tears and there was a sort of dark, ancient sadness in his eyes. He leaned back on his calves and dropped his arms to his sides and his lower lip trembled. The towel had slipped away from me. Ben closed his eyes and relaxed his cheek into one of my palms.

I stroked his skin with my thumb, swallowing hard. “I don’t know how to help you. I don’t think I can.”

 “Burn it.” He nosed into my palm and kissed it and his tears smeared across my skin. “I can’t listen to it anymore—I don’t want to hurt you.”

 “I don’t want to hurt you, either, and if I go any further than I did…”

Someone knocked on the door. “Rey, you’re late for breakfast!”

Ben was crying again, begging me to help him, and I struggled to pry his hands off me so I could get dressed and meet Jira at the door. I heard a couple other voices, including Jer’Jo, and panicked. Oh no. If someone decided to stroll in they’d see Ben sobbing on my naked stomach. Oh _no_.

 “Uh… coming!” I called, then turned back to Ben. “You need to let go of me. Go to bed and get a grip. I’ll bring back breakfast.”

The door jiggled. “No need, we brought you some!”

The blood sucked out of my face and I jolted Ben with the Light to make him let go. He bent over on the floor and didn’t move and I ran into my bedroom to throw on pajamas. I could still feel the stickiness of his essence on my stomach and I wished I had time to shower first.

Jira, Oola, Senni, and Jer’Jo were walking inside just as I came back to my bedroom door. Ben hadn’t moved, still slumped in a miserable pile. I was surprised that Jira came over to check on him first and knelt beside him to feel his forehead. Jer’Jo followed behind with two food containers and smiled at me before turning his red eyes on Ben and Jira.

 “He’s burning up,” Jira said. “Jer’Jo, can you help me get him back in bed?”

 “Of course.”

Oola and Senni sat at the table with me while the other two hauled Ben back to his bedroom. I trembled as I dug into my food and held my head in my hand. Ben wouldn’t last much longer with that thing poisoning his mind. What would it drive him to do when it recovered?

Senni raised her eyebrows. “Ooh, I didn’t know Ben had a six pack.” She glanced at me, smiling like a creep. “Did you touch it while you got your hickies, Rey?”

I gulped down the rest of my breakfast and took a shower before getting Jer’Jo. We left without saying goodbye to Ben and Jira said she wanted to keep an eye on him for the day.

Jer’Jo tried to talk to me but I wasn’t interested. I wanted to forget about the Stranger in Ben’s head and forget about what we’d done the night before. We spent the entire day training in combat with wooden poles, even though I was itching to use my saberstaff and get in a real fight. Jer’Jo was strong but slow and I found it easy to avoid his strikes.

We met up with Oola and Senni on the way back to the hut. Their arms were full of food containers so we helped them carry it all back and chatted about the day. Darkness fell.

The lights were on in the hut. Jer’Jo opened the door and all of us filtered in, still gabbing about what we planned on doing tomorrow. There were voices coming from Ben’s bedroom and a sick stillness hung in the air. I picked up on something being wrong faster than the others and pushed my containers in Oola’s arms to hurry over to the bedroom myself.

Luke and Jira were talking over Ben’s bed. He looked paler and they’d placed a wet cloth over his forehead. His dark eyes rolled open when he sensed my presence and he reached out to me weakly with the darkness, probing my mind to make sure I was really there. I shoved them out of the way and sat next to Ben to cup my palm over his cheek. He was boiling hot and clammy.

 “Ben is too sick to stay here any longer,” Luke said quietly. “He needs to go to Coruscant to see a physician.”

I jumped back to my feet. “Okay, let me pack some things first.”

Jira grabbed my arm and I spun on her, bristling for some reason. She looked serious.

 “Rey,” she said, “we think you should stay here.”

I hesitated, glancing between the two Masters, and laughed. They both didn’t want to look me in the eye. Ben reached for me again through our connection like he was fighting to hold on.

Luke closed the bedroom door with the Force. “Your relationship with Ben is inappropriate, Rey, not only because of your age, but because of his alliance with the First Order. I’d hoped a few weeks on Spintir may change his mind. He will be given treatment on Coruscant and returned to the First Order next week. What happens beyond that becomes your concern as a Knight.”

 “I’m not leaving him,” I snapped. “I’m going to Coruscant to keep an eye on his healing and I’ll leave when he goes back to the First Order. I’m a Knight. I have that freedom.”

Jira’s eyes welled up with tears and she covered her mouth. “You’re only sixteen—please don’t do this. You don’t understand—”

 “I understand _completely._ You don’t understand the connection Ben and I have. You don’t know how sick he really is and you don’t care, anyway. Someone has to go and actually care about him and help him. If you send him away without me, he won’t forget it, and he’ll come back even more pissed off.”

They knew I was right, even if they didn’t agree with it. I fetched my bag and threw two extra sets of black robes inside with some other undergarments and went to pack Ben the same things in his bag. Jira went outside with Luke and only Jer’Jo remained inside, hanging by the bedroom door.

I sat beside Ben again and brushed his black hair back. “I’m coming with you. Don’t worry.”

For the first time, I could feel his emotion pulse into my mind. It wasn’t just through the Force; that vague hint I could feel from any older person. This was specific and washed over me like a wave. Ben was relieved and happy. He drew back, no longer desperately clawing for me.

 “Thank you,” Ben whispered.

 “No more leaving each other. Remember?”

He smiled faintly and nodded.

The ship from Coruscant arrived not long after. Ben was too weak to even walk anymore and Luke and Jira used the Force to bring him on board. I recognized the ship: the _Falcon_ ; Han’s ship. My pulse quickened as Han and Leia both stepped off to talk with Luke and Jer’Jo took Luke’s place.

They were both older and looked kind of sad. Leia lit up when she saw me and I ran over to give her a big, tight hug. Han was less enthusiastic but he patted me on the back when I hugged him, too.

 “Luke tells me you’ll be tagging along, Rey,” Leia said, smiling. “We’ll be so happy to have you. I can’t wait to catch up!”

Han huffed. “This isn’t a social call. Kid can rest up, then he’s going back to his handlers.”

 “Me neither,” I said, ignoring Han.

We all piled onto the ship. I had no interest in saying goodbye to anyone besides Jer’Jo, who I assured I would be back for within the next few weeks. I ignored Jira, Senni, and Oola as I stomped up the stairs just before Han closed them.

There were a lot of guards on board. They knew who I was and stood back when I walked down the hall to Ben’s room. Leia and Han were both relieved to see him, even if the latter wouldn’t admit it.

The door hissed upwards and I slipped into the dark room. Ben had an IV in his forearm and a droid hovering about, monitoring his vital signs. It floated away as I approached and my heart skipped a beat when Ben’s dark eyes opened and he smiled at me.

 “You’re here,” he murmured.

 “Where else would I be?” I sat next to him and kissed his forehead, relieved that it already felt cooler. “Get some rest, okay? You need it.”

 Ben wrapped his fingers around my wrist, tugging gently. “Stay with me.”

 “Ben…”

But he was insistent and his eyes were sad. I glanced over my shoulder at the door and crept over him to lie between his body and the wall. He couldn’t turn on his side but he wrapped an arm around me as I curled against him, hitching one leg over his. My head fit under his chin like it was meant to be there.

We drifted off together in utter silence for the first time ever—no one was there to whisper to Ben or interrupt us or tear us apart. I found my consciousness blending into his and caught snippets of his dreams; vague, happy things that I hardly remembered as they passed me by. His mind drifted into mine, too, and neither of us registered Leia peeking inside to check on us and leaving without a word.


	20. And yet the menace of the years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT HAPPENS AWKWARDLY

We landed on Coruscant a few hours later. Ben was taken off the  _Falcon_  by medical technicians and droids and I stayed behind with Leia while Han followed them. They said he'd be okay—he just needed some antibiotics and fluids and bedrest. He'd be well enough to be returned to the First Order next week and they would take over caring for him.

It was weird to think of Ben going back there next week without me. I intended on spending another week with Leia before going back to Spintir to continue training Jer'Jo. Beyond that… I had no idea. I'd considered traveling around to find a cure for Ben's sickness after Jer'Jo went back to his home planet. But I didn't know if Ben would be receptive to being healed after we were separated.

Leia and I strolled towards her home, not in any rush. Coruscant was covered in towering modern buildings and full of various races bustling down the streets, the polar opposite of Spintir. But I wasn't the shy, nervous kid I was during my first visit with Ben, when he carried me and didn't force me to face my fears. Eyes followed me while I walked with Leia—I was a Jedi Knight, and I was proud of it.

Leia smiled at me. "Luke told me you've done very well on Spintir, Rey."

I nodded and brushed past a Togruta. "I love it there. Made a lot of friends and stuff. Oh, and I have my own Padawan now, so that's exciting."

"You'll have to tell me all about it when we have dinner." She studied the rings on her fingers before speaking again. "I'm hoping Ben decides to return to Spintir with you. It would be good for him."

"…Yeah, it would be."

The house was as enormous and opulent as I remembered. I went upstairs to my bedroom to unpack my two sets of robes and take a shower, then went back downstairs to have dinner with Leia and Han. Ben was in his room already doing better and I couldn't wait to see him.

He called to me as I sat across from Han, just as desperate to see me. I tried to communicate that I'd be there soon and also remember how to eat like a normal person and not a wild animal.

"Got the guards upstairs," Han said gruffly. "He's not goin' anywhere."

"Might as well give them something useful to do," Leia replied. "The only person who has a sliver of hope of keeping Ben from 'going anywhere' is Rey."

Han snorted disdainfully. "Should've kicked his ass when I had the chance."

We chatted for a while about Jer'Jo and Jira and the others but avoided talking about Ben dragging me off to Christophsis. Leia encouraged me to go check on him when dinner was over and spoke in a sharp, hushed tone to Han, who wasn't very happy about it.

I rushed upstairs and down the hall to Ben's room, where two guards were standing outside. They let me through without a word and I slipped inside, closing the door behind me.

Ben was sitting upright in bed in gray pajamas. He wasn't attached to an IV anymore and his skin looked flushed with color instead of deathly pale. He had a book in his lap but was already looking at me as I smiled and approached his bed.

"Hey," I said, sitting on the edge. "You look much better already."

He smiled back. "Should be able to walk tomorrow. How was dinner?"

"Good! Your dad is as friendly as ever."

We lapsed into silence. Ben twiddled his thumbs, then patted the spot next to him in bed. I'd just been looking for an invitation; I didn't care if someone walked in and saw us. I tugged back the sheets and slipped underneath them to sit right at his side and beamed up at him. He kissed my forehead.

"Can't you just stay in bed with me?" he murmured.

"I wish." I curled my arm through his and leaned my head on his arm. "Considering this might be our last week together, that'd be nice."

Ben shifted. "But… you're coming back with me."

I didn't respond—I didn't know what to say. He drew away from me and looked like I'd slapped him. Was that not obvious?

He shook his head and blinked a few times like he was confused. "Rey, you have to come with me."

"No, I don't."

The Stranger was still too wounded to influence Ben but the darkness in him swirled in distress at my words. He stared at me and I tried to appear as impassive as possible.

"I have a Padawan," I said, "and I'm a Knight. I can't go join the First Order with you. Your mother told me there have been whisperings of war and Jer'Jo has to go back to his planet in a few weeks to make sure they're prepared for the inevitable. This is the path you chose, Ben, and I can't follow you down it."

"That's why you have to come with me. I have to protect you."

"No. I can protect myself."

He seized my upper arm, scowling. "I'm not kidding. You're coming with me."

"Cut it out!" I snapped. "You don't own me and the choices you've made have no bearing on me! I'm not going to just betray Jira and Luke and everyone else for you, Ben. Let go!"

"You're  _mine,_ Rey, you're not—"

I grabbed Ben's wrist and jolted him with Light, forcing him to let go of me. He jerked back as I slipped out of the bed and staggered to my feet to shoot him a dirty look. His dark eyes were far from reticent. He was annoyed and hungry and planning something. Even without the Stranger whispering to him he still wanted me, but he had no impetus to do anything stupid.

We glared at each other for another minute before I left the room to go to bed.

Another two days passed without me bothering to speak to Ben. I went to Coruscant's library and spent the time learning about the fall of the Empire and the rise of the New Republic. Leia was busy with Senator business and Han didn't stick around for long. I was alone for the most part.

On the third day I decided to go check on Ben. The guards weren't waiting outside his room and I walked in without a second thought.

I felt a pulse of pleasure through the Force first before I raised my eyes and looked at Ben in the bed. He was lying flat and his shirt was up over his stomach and his pants were down to his thighs. His hand was wrapped around his manhood and he was pumping up and down, groaning and writhing on the messy sheets, totally oblivious to my presence. I stared in rude shock and heat crept into my cheeks.

Ben's black hair was tangled and the muscles in his arm coiled with each stroke. His spine arched a bit off the bed and he made a small whimpering sound.

"Rey," he breathed. His throat bobbed and he choked my name a few more times.

I didn't move. Was I supposed to? Was I being a pervert? The sensation of pleasure kept tingling through me and I took a hesitant step back towards the door. I managed to get it open a few inches…

Ben's eyes rolled open and snapped to me.

A moment passed, then he swept his free hand to slam the door shut again. I pressed against it as he rolled out of bed and stalked right towards me, ignoring my frantic insistence that it had been a mistake and I was really, really sorry. He took my face in his hands and kissed me deeply. His hard arousal pushed into my stomach and throbbed.

He still didn't speak. He took my hand to lead me back to his bed and shoved me into it so I bounced on the mattress. I hurriedly brushed my hair out of my face as Ben climbed in the other side and laid on his back again. He resumed stroking himself and nodded towards me.

"Touch yourself," he whispered.

"Um… I was going to see if you wanted to go for a walk?"

Ben sighed and rolled towards me to curl against my back. I reddened when I felt him pressing into my butt and he slipped a hand between my legs, underneath my robe.

"Later." He dipped a finger inside me and drew it through my folds. "I need you. Touch me."

I swallowed and reached back to curl my fingers around his hot, hard erection, unsure and confused. Ben groaned into my neck and made slow thrusts into my grasp while stroking two fingers between my legs. It was still a foreign thing to me and I was only vaguely turned on by what I had seen. But that changed quickly with each subtle shift of his fingertips inside me.

He nibbled my earlobe. "I missed you. I'm sorry I upset you the other day. I'll respect your decision."

Oh. Okay. I relaxed into his touch and let myself enjoy it, rolling around on his fingers and squeezing my hand around his cock. Ben grunted and moved faster and the bed creaked a bit. He straddled me when we were done and sucked my essence off his fingers while I did the same, gazing into his dark eyes.

We went for a walk through the gardens in the backyard. Ben's fever had receded and he wasn't sweating like crazy anymore, but he still wasn't completely better. The sky was cloudless and bright blue and Ben casually took my hand when we walked past some petunias. A clear breeze rustled the flowers and sent a chill up my spine.

"I love you," he said, breaking the silence.

I picked a flower and inhaled the scent. "I know."

It was a quiet day. We went to the library and Ben watched me curled up in a chair reading about the Empire some more. After that we returned to the house for dinner with Leia, who cast saddened glances in her son's direction. He didn't say much. There was little to be said.

The days passed in a dreamlike state. Ben became quieter as his strength returned and we spent more than one day in almost utter silence. I was afraid of kissing him again—worried it would make it harder to say goodbye on the last day. He seemed to feel the same way because he didn't try anything, either. We enjoyed each other's company and the glaring lack of the Stranger whispering to Ben.

The final night rolled around before I knew it. I went to bed that night with a cold twist in the pit of my stomach, dreading waking up the next morning and saying goodbye to Ben. Would we be separated forever? Would he change his mind and come back to me?

No, probably not. Hope was a fragile thing.

As I laid there staring up at the ceiling, deep in thought, my door quietly slid open. I propped up on my elbows to see Ben trying to close the door without making a sound, and he turned the lock. My heart skipped a beat as he turned to meet my brown eyes with his dark, unreadable irises. He was wearing a thin white shirt and gray pants and I couldn't sense the Stranger in him.

I watched silently as he approached my bed. He crept under the sheets and I slid down beside him, nuzzling under his chin and curling my arms around his back. Ben squeezed me and took a deep breath.

"I love you," he said, voice wavering. "I'm afraid I'll never see you again."

"It doesn't have to be this way, Ben. You can turn."

Neither of us spoke for a few minutes. I was the first to move—peppering Ben's neck with kisses; innocuous, or so I convinced myself. He sighed, shifting closer, and arched his chin to give me better access. I slipped my fingers under his shirt to run them up his ribcage, relishing the warmth of his skin, and he did the same stroking motion under my shirt.

"Please don't go." Ben shifted down in bed to kiss me chastely on the lips. "I need you, Rey. I need you by my side. We can create a new order together."

I shook my head and smiled sadly. "I'm not going anywhere. You are."

His dark eyes searched mine. "…Then this is our last night together?"

"I guess so."

Ben kissed me again, slipping his tongue in my mouth, and I eagerly returned the gesture. His fingertips prickled up my back and traced down my spine and I ran mine over the scars knotted across his back. It was so quiet and peaceful. No one could interrupt us. Leia was asleep halfway across the house.

He rolled over on top of me and went to drawing kisses along my neck. I tangled my fingers in his thick black hair and wrapped my legs around his hips. It was an invitation—Ben groaned and slowly thrust between my legs, jerky and restrained. I wanted him, so badly. But he said I was too young, lots of times, so I figured he wouldn't be interested in going all the way.

It drifted by quickly. Ben leaned back to pull his shirt off and encouraged me in quiet whispers to touch his chest. I did so as he yanked down his pants and mine just past our thighs. My head swam. I wanted him. I needed him. My breath caught as Ben buried his face in my neck and panted.

The sticky head of his cock pressed between my legs. I mewled and bucked against him and Ben murmured and gently rocked into me. Please. Please, don't let me forget you.

Ben licked the shell of my ear. "I love you, Rey. Let me show you."

"Please, Ben." I sank my nails in his back. "Please."

We had no protection of any kind. Ben groaned and shook his head, making weak thrusts against my slit. I kept trying to arch my spine to bring him inside my body.

"You're too young," he choked. "I can't."

"Please. I love you." I kissed the side of his head and inhaled the scent of his hair. "If this is our last night, I need to remember you. I'm yours, Ben."

It was terrifying but it was what I wanted. He made another pained noise and spit into his palm to stroke it across his cock, preparing himself to push inside me. I held my breath when he finally did so, trying to hold back as his head penetrated my lips. It was hot. Physically and emotionally. I whimpered as Ben pried through resisting flesh and he gasped and swore under his breath.

"Rey—fuck!" Ben was trying to whisper but snapped into my neck. "Oh, fuck. You're so fucking tight."

I sank my nails into his back. "Is… is that good?"

"So… so fucking good. Fucking sublime." He pumped a few more times and tried to catch his breath. "Does it hurt? I'm sorry—you're so young and little…"

Oh, no. I shook my head quickly and met his hips. "No! I love it."

Ben grunted and went to a faster rhythm. "No condom. Want me to get one?"

"W… Why?"

"Pregnancy." He nipped the lobe of my ear and grunted again, deeper. "If I come in you, you might get pregnant. Remember your book?"

"Oh—Oh! Well…"

It was all happening so fast. Ben was inside me, taking me, and he might finish inside me and make me pregnant. It was arousing and terrifying at the same time. I moaned and he shushed me.

"It's okay," Ben whispered. "I feel it, too. If anything happens, I'll always be with you." He feverishly kissed my neck and growled. "You'll have our babies sooner or later, Rey."

I nodded nervously and he resumed his fast, jerky pace. It was like being stretched apart with each pump of Ben's hips and I struggled to understand and enjoy it. He was inside me. I could feel his cock swell and pulse with each movement. I knew what the first night entailed but I still wasn't ready for it. I was only sixteen and he was twenty-six.

Ben grunted and pinned my arms down as he came inside me. I felt him twitch and throb and could actually feel the warm, sticky fluid oozing within me. It was weirdly arousing to hear him making desperate moans with each spastic thrust.

He collapsed on top of me and laughed. "Fuck, Rey. I love you."

I didn't respond until he fell asleep.

"I know."


	21. Finds and shall find me unafraid.

Light spilled through the window as the night drew on. My time with Ben was almost over and we were still sleeping together in my bed, with him curled around my back. A stiff sadness hung in the air and he drew silent kisses along the side of my neck, sliding a hand under my shirt to wander up to my breasts. He could easily grasp the entire mound in his palm and stroked his thumb across my nipple. My cheeks were cracked with tears. Would I ever see him again?

 “I love you, Rey,” he whispered.

 “That’s not enough.”

Ben tugged down my pants to my thighs and slipped his hand past my butt to slide a wet finger inside me. “It should be.”

Eventually he rolled over on top of me, pressing my face into the pillows, and brushed my hair from the face so I could gaze out the window. I didn’t want to say no. His physicality wasn’t proving that he loved me. He pushed up my shirt to the middle of my back and yanked down his pants, too, and I closed my eyes, intent on enjoying the final hours I had with Ben.

He propped up my hips and pushed inside me again with no warning. I hissed and squirmed away but he held me fast and murmured to me, taking inch by inch of my insides.

 “Quiet,” Ben crooned. “We don’t want anyone to hear us.”

 “But… it kind of hurts…”

He was leaning over my back, slowly rocking into me. “I’m sorry, little one. Do you want me to stop?”

 “Well, no…” I shifted underneath his weight to arch into his hips. “Um… Could I get pregnant?”

Ben throbbed inside me and inhaled the scent of my hair. “Yes, you could.” He was trying to be quiet, avoiding the squeaky parts of the bed. “Then you would stay with me.”

I shook my head slightly. “No… No. I’m not having a baby right now, and if I did… I’d leave.”

He paused. I could feel his hot pressure inside me, pulsing and hungry. It was a welcome feeling, but the annoyance rolling off of him was not. That wasn’t the answer he wanted. I didn’t care. It was the truth—I would not have a baby at sixteen and I certainly wouldn’t raise one within the First Order.

His gentle thrusts resumed. “You think you’d be able to leave?”

 “Yes,” I said, nodding. “I’m just as strong as you.”

Ben pushed me down with the Force, pinning me to the bed. He grasped my hips and began a punishing pace, making me flinch and struggle to squirm away. His breath was hot on my ear and I couldn’t escape him. It was arousing and terrifying at the same time.

He bit my earlobe. “No, you aren’t. No matter where you go, or where you try to hide—I’ll find you, Rey. And when I do, I won’t let you go.”

 “Ben—”

 “Shh. Take it. Enjoy it.”

A few more minutes passed before Ben finished inside me, thrusting and grunting like the night before. I felt his essence spill within, hot and thick, and he again didn’t bother trying to make me finish. He panted into the back of my neck and rocked forward as he gradually became hard again. I swallowed and tried not to think of the fluid squishing inside me.

 “Good girl,” Ben groaned. “Good girl. Do you want me to fill you up?”

I answered honestly and shook my head. “N-No. Can’t you find a condom? I don’t want—”

 “You do.” He dipped to my ear, licking the shell, and I wished I could see his face. “You want me to cum in you, little one. You’ll have our babies and I’ll do whatever you want whenever you want. I’ll spoil you in every way possible, Rey. I love you.”

There was nothing to say. Ben finally reached between my legs to help me finish, too, and I whimpered and rubbed on them a few moments before he reached his plateau. He hovered over me and panted for a few minutes before finally withdrawing and lying beside me.

Ben—my Ben, the other half of my soul—sighed. “I’ll find you, Rey. Baby or not. I’ll find you, and you’ll stand by my side, and we’ll keep trying until we have our baby. I love you… so much. I love you.”

My chest constricted. I was satisfied but afraid of his words. Why would he think I wanted a baby? He’d never mentioned it before. He tried to avoid it. He said I was too young for him to even have sex with. Now we’d done it three times with no protection and I could wake up in a few weeks with a small piece of Ben growing inside me.

 “…I love you, too,” I mumbled.

He growled appreciatively, pressing inside me again. “I’ve wanted this for so long. I had to keep fighting it but now… now we can be together. No one can stop us. You’ll come with me, and—”

I twisted onto my back to glare up into Ben’s dark eyes. “I’m not going.”

 “Yes, you are.” He brushed my hair back and thrust between my lips, taking me for the third time. “You’re mine. You will never get away from me.”

 “Cut it out!”

 “No. You’re mine. You’ve always been mine, and you always will be.”

Ben buried his nose in my neck and kept pumping inside me, swelling yet again. I was getting nervous and pushed on his hips but he kept going and throbbed and whispered that I belonged to him. The Stranger was nowhere to be seen. Ben himself had these feelings.

I pushed on his shoulders, teary-eyed. “You’re hurting me.”

 “It’s the way it has to be, little one.” He grunted and pulsed in my passage. “I want you so badly. I want you pregnant and with me and—”

It was enough. I used the Light to burn Ben and force him off me and he jerked back, giving me enough space to sit up straight. He panted and stared at me hungrily as I yanked up my pants.

 “I’m sixteen!” I snapped. “I don’t want to have kids with you! And I don’t belong to you, Ben. I never have and I never will. Yeah, we have a deep bond, but it doesn’t give you rights to me.”

 “Let me show you. I love you.”

Ugh! I slipped out of bed to readjust my clothes and Ben followed close behind. He wrapped his arms around me, kissing me passionately, but I broke away with another jolt of the Force. He pursued, trying to embrace me again, and I zapped him with the Light.

 “Rey!” Ben snapped. “Stop! I’m trying—”

I held my hands out defensively. “Grabbing me doesn’t prove that you love me!”

 “I’m sorry that I hurt you. You’re tiny and fragile so it’s going to hurt.” He snagged my waist and pressed his arousal into my stomach. “I just want to feel you.”

 “No, you want me pregnant, which I don’t want.”

 “Rey… please,” Ben begged. “I love you. I want what’s best for you.”

 “I don’t think you do.”

We went back to bed, and Ben rolled on top of me to push into my body again. I didn’t care anymore. I was so sad—so depressed that he would never come back to me. I cried softly into his shoulder while he grunted and groaned and slicked my insides with cum. It was over between us.

Ben rose around dawn and stared down at me. “I’ll find you, Rey. Next time, you’re coming with me.”

I was too tired and emotionally spent to care. I curled under the sheets as Ben dressed and left my bedroom. Fine. Try to find me. I’ll never give in.

Hours passed before I had to willpower to get out of bed. I took a shower and dressed in my black robes and stalked downstairs to find Leia sitting alone. She was playing with golden dice and looked sad until she caught me approaching her. The frown turned up in a smile.

 “He’s gone,” she said. “I’m sorry I didn’t wake you.”

I sat beside her and smiled back. “It’s for the best. Um… I need to do some traveling. Can you pass a message to Luke and Jira for me?”

Leia nodded. “Of course, Rey. What is it?”

 “Well… I need to be on my own for a while. I can’t go back to Spintir and risk hurting anyone. Just tell them that I’m okay, and I will be in touch if I need them.”

 “Rey, do you need help?”

I rose from the chair and shook my head, smiling. “I’m okay. I just need some space.”

Leia commandeered a small freighter called _Dawn_ for me. I’d learned to fly from my time on Jakku and some lessons from Luke. She stocked my ship with food and clothing and we had a long hug before I left. I had a feeling that he knew what happened between Ben and I.

It was too dangerous to return to Spintir. I didn’t even want to risk talking to anyone. So I lifted off from Coruscant and decided to go to Naboo for a bit of scenery. If Ben would keep me when he found me, I’d spend the rest of my life avoiding him. I’d flee to as many planets as possible and stay under the radar. He’d waste his time seeking me out until the sheer futility of it all caught up with him.

I steered the ship into the vastness of space and joined a hyperdrive. No one owned Rey of Jakku. No one. Even if I loved Ben Solo, I wasn’t his property, and he wouldn’t use me as a conduit of his legacy.


	22. It matters not how strait the gate,

The first few days I did nothing but cry.

It was kind of pathetic, but I didn’t know what else to do. I set coordinates for Naboo but circled the planet a few times. Ben had no idea where I was going and he still needed a few weeks to finish healing. Otherwise he would’ve just dragged me with him on Coruscant. He was still weak.

The need for fuel forced me to land. I didn’t know much about Naboo, other than the name of the human capital, Theed. I stowed my ship there and stepped out with my lightsaber on my hip, drawing the attention of many passerby. The planet was lush and beautiful was Spintir but far more developed with towering, ancient buildings and cobblestone streets. The amphibious Gungans lived in the water and had a peaceful coexistence with the Naboo.

Leia had given me some credits to make my way through the galaxy for a while, but I’d have to start doing odd jobs to keep myself fed and sheltered. I didn’t mind. I liked helping people.

I toured the city for a few hours to keep myself distracted. The old home of Padme Amidala, Queen of Naboo, wife of Anakin Skywalker, and Ben’s grandmother, was open for tours. I passed through the long halls amidst others and obscured my saberstaff when it drew eyes.

One of the rooms opened up to a balcony overlooking the shimmering sea covering much of Naboo. I walked out on the terrace and touched a vine-laden pillar as I approached the edge. It was beautiful—and it felt strangely familiar. I rested my hands on the stone fence and gazed across the water. Yes, it did seem like I’d been there before. Maybe in a past life, with someone else.

Things were quiet for a few weeks. I found a nice hotel to stay in and they didn’t bother me much. Otherwise I filled my days reading books and helping different people however I could: lifting rocks with the Force or slashing something with my lightsaber. I made enough money to scrape by and stay fed. Most of the people I helped were eager to offer me food and a warm bed, but I liked the hotel.

I’d lay out on the balcony at night and stare up at the dark sky overhead, tracing constellations with my fingertip. Ben was out there somewhere. Hopefully he gave up on me. I felt like I’d given up on him.

A month passed, and another. I was definitely not pregnant, which was a relief. Naboo was peaceful and beautiful but I’d been warned not to stay in one place for too long. First Order troops would be looking for me and Ben would offer a bounty. I wouldn’t risk bringing hellfire on other people.

When I began to feel the Stranger leeching into my bond with Ben, I knew it was time to leave. I tried my best to keep him at bay and stocked my ship with extra fuel and food. The people I’d met were sad to see me leave but understood the necessity. So I left, onto the next planet.

For some reason—I didn’t know why—I was drawn to Chandrila. It was an idyllic planet like Naboo. Yet the cities weren’t as well developed and most of it was rolling hills and swaying green grass. There was no major landing port so I settled for a hillside to park _Dawn._

I left the ship and felt a tug through the Force. It called me beyond the hill.

 “Hmm,” I murmured.

It had been about three months since I left Ben. I was growing faster than ever before, like a final growth spurt. I stalked up the edge of the hill, cresting it as dusk began to fall, to find a small wood and stone house resting at the bottom. It had a water wheel and a river running past. Surprised, I frowned and cocked my head. The Force called me towards the house.

It looked abandoned. I opened the lock with a wave of my hand and stepped inside to find it dusty and empty, a shell of an old home. Rats scurried away from me as I took a few careful steps across the rotting floorboards. There was nothing. It was devoid of any traces of a family. I peered up the stairs and began ascending them even as they groaned under my weight.

The second floor was empty, too. I found a ‘fresher and two bedrooms. One had a small bed and a dresser inside and a dusty window that opened to the wide, expansive Chandrilan wilderness. I stood there and peered out, wondering why the Force had called me to this strange house.

No answers were forthcoming. The house seemed safe enough, so I swept my saber to the dresser and curled up on the floor to sleep. I missed Jira… and Oola, and Senni. I wanted to go home and swim in the river for forget everything. When could I go home?

That night, I had a dream.

  _“What do you mean you can’t find her?”_

_A First Order officer is standing before Ben, now dressed in the black getup with the cape and helmet. His red lightsaber is ignited and he’s furious._

_“S-Supreme Leader—Kylo Ren.” The officer is trying to keep calm. “We’ve already deployed the Knights and placed a bounty on her head. Surely results are soon to—”_

_Ben—Kylo Ren—screams and whirls around to slash the saber across a control panel, reducing it to ashes and sparks. The officer flinches but doesn’t budge, understandably afraid of Kylo’s reaction. I’m floating, watching everything unfold, holding my breath. The Stranger is back, but its voice is gone. It had sunk into Kylo’s mind and become a real part of him._

_He reaches out a hand to drag the officer’s throat to his palm. “If my Rey is pregnant and you have failed to locate her, officer, you will pay dearly. Find her—or else.”_

_The officer falls to the floor and scrambles away. I keep staring at Ben before his helmet abruptly turns towards me and I can feel his eyes on me. He knows where I am. He senses me._

 “Hello, Rey.”

My eyes snapped open and I hurriedly sat up.

Kylo Ren was standing in the doorway with his red lightsaber ignited, hissing and spitting sparks and twisting the air with heat. He had his helmet on, distorting his voice, and I could feel his eyes on me. My heart raced at the sight of him and I called my saberstaff to my hand to split it into purple halves and staggered to my feet.

There were no mixed emotions. I was scared and angry. I didn’t recognize the beast in the helmet.

He tilted his head. “Surprised? You practically called out to me, little one.”

 “Get away from me.” I twirled the sabers and scowled. “Or else.”

Kylo spun his lightsaber in his grasp, too. “This was my childhood home. You would kill me here?”

 “I’ll kill you anywhere if you keep following me.”

 “Hm. That’s unfortunate.” He leaned on the doorframe, nodding towards me. “I see you’re not pregnant.”

 “No, I’m not.”

He sighed, voice mangled by the vocoder. “Disappointing. I hoped I would find you swelling up by now. But it’s no matter—when I bring you home, we’ll have plenty of time to try.”

I swallowed hard and clenched my fists over the hilts of my saber. “I can feel it in you again, Ben. The sickness.”

 “I’m sure you can. It doesn’t matter.”

We’d learned the same fighting techniques, but B—Kylo didn’t use the Jedi form anymore. He struck fast and hard, wasting energy trying to attack a smaller target, and I easily dodged by sliding under his arm and spinning back with both sabers. They slashed empty air and I met his red saber with both of mine crossed in an X, struggling to hold him back by channeling the Force through my kyber crystal. He bore down, lightsaber snarling and spitting at me, until I blew him back with the Light.

Kylo flew back into the wall and I had just enough time to flee. I ran down the rickety stairs and burst outside into the pressing darkness, sheathing my sabers so they didn’t make me a purple target. Panting, I glanced over my shoulder and found he was already pursuing me, a red threat in a sea of black. I just had to get back to _Dawn_.

Of course there were Stormtroopers waiting for me. Furious, I swept my hand fiercely through the air to send them flying away from _Dawn_ and ignited my lightsaber in one piece again. But one remained and whipped out a blue and white buzzing sword, spinning it through the air like it would intimidate me. I bared my teeth and smacked down my hand to send him down to the ground, then threw him away.

Heat simmered in my calves. I whirled around to throw Kylo’s lightsaber from his hands and tried to paralyze him, too. But he was still stronger than me. I couldn’t see a thing through his helmet as he brought me to my knees, curling his black-gloved fingers.

 “You’re mine,” he growled. “All mine.”

The Light swirled and burst from within me, searing through Kylo’s contact to me through the Force. He yelped in pain and fell back, giving me enough time to board _Dawn._ I lifted off from Chandrila without a second thought and took off into the atmosphere without looking back.


	23. How charged with punishments the scroll:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end of this is my favorite thing i've written in a long time

The flyers began popping up not soon after. I’d visited a few more small planets as the months wore on, struggling to avoid my bond with Kylo, and began to find more and more posters with my face and bounty on them. He was desperate to find me. I heard him scream in my dreams sometimes, fighting to feel me across the galaxy. But I could still resist and the older I grew, the easier it was.

My seventeenth birthday came. I sat cross-legged in _Dawn_ and cried over freeze-dried food while I sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to myself. It still wasn’t safe to return to Spintir. He’d be there, or he’d have a Knight stationed there. Leia would contact me if something went wrong.

Now I was tall and strong and lean like B—Kylo. I’d learned a lot about fighting and being independent and alone. I set coordinates for Csilla at Leia’s behest. She wanted me to visit Jer’Jo, who was now the leader of his House, and see if there was anything he could do to help me. So I headed into the Unknown Regions and prayed I didn’t bring Kylo to my exact location like I had a few months ago.

Csilla was covered in ice and glaciers. I landed in the capital, Csaplar, which appeared like a giant sheet of ice. Leia told me the Chiss lived their lives beneath the ice in a series of tunnels heated by the planet’s core, so I landed there and stepped out into the bitter cold.

Jer’Jo appeared through the driving snow with rather weather-inappropriate clothing on. He had two guards flanking him He looked even taller and his red eyes glowed in the semi-darkness, studying me. I waved and folded my arms and he smiled back. His skin was bright blue in the high oxygen atmosphere.

 “Hello, Rey,” he called, beaming. “Let’s go somewhere warmer, hm?”

We stepped on a panel and descended beneath the ice.

It was warm, and the stone walls were painted to make them feel friendlier. Chiss milled about—a people who didn’t normally interact with outsiders—and they stared at Jer’Jo and I. It was unsettling being surrounded by so many blue-skinned, red-eyed humanoids. I pressed close to Jer’Jo, who was now dressed in black robes and ornate headwear. His eyes were more serious than before.

 “It’s been quite a while,” he said, smiling down at me. “You’re a year older, and I’m the leader of my House. How time changes us.”

 “Yeah, really.” I clasped my hands behind my back and sighed. “Thanks for letting me stay here, Jer’Jo. I know I was a garbage Knight.”

He laughed, shrugging. “It hardly matters. I went to Spintir to learn the way of peace and passivity that the Jedi are renowned for, but I found something more.” His glowing red eyes turned to me and his throat bobbed nervously. “You, Rey.”

I stopped dead and stared up at him. The guard stopped, but Jer’Jo waved them off. He tilted his head and studied my face like he was trying to read me.

 “…Me?” I squeaked.

 “Yes. You.” He observed the faces of Chiss walking past. “I’m expected to marry within my species, but I’ve never had an interest in doing so. I wanted to expand my horizons, which is unlike most Chiss. I traveled to Spintir and spent several years there observing… then I met you.”

 “But… I’m nothing special.”

 “You are special. You’re powerful and beautiful; enigmatic. It would be an honor to marry you, Rey. I can protect you here—I will die protecting you.”

Oh… Oh no. I gazed into Jer’Jo’s red eyes in utter shock. Me? I was plain old Rey. Did Leia set up our meeting knowing he would propose to me, or had Jer’Jo been waiting until I was seventeen? No… it wasn’t what I wanted. Kylo wanted me pregnant and Jer’Jo wanted me married and secured down. I wanted to explore the galaxy and have my own independence and freedom.

I didn’t belong to anyone. Not Ben, or Kylo Ren, or Jer’Jo. I was Rey of Jakku, and that was enough.

I shook my head, drawing back. “I… I can’t.”

 “I’ll afford you some time to consider it. Your chambers are just ahead.”

No. No way. I wouldn’t be coerced into marriage.

We passed through a few more rooms and locked doors to the heart of Csaplar. Chiss continued to stare as Jer’Jo dropped me off there and promised to bring dinner. I gazed after him and slipped into my pleasantly warm room to take a shower and wash the grime from my hair.

They supplied me with blue and white robes that brushed the floor. I opted to wear just the blue slip to bed and watched the sparkling crystals of Csilla’s core through the window. If I married Jer’Jo, I might be safe. Probably not, though.

A few quiet days passed. Jer’Jo escorted me about Csilla to show me the history of the Chiss, and I noticed many cold glares as we walked around. They were a proud people who didn’t appreciate outsiders. I tried to be polite and listen and learn. Jer’Jo wasn’t exactly ugly—why didn’t he just marry a Chiss female and get it over with? He already headed his House.

On day five, as I gazed out my window, I heard a gentle knock on my door.

 “Come in,” I called softly.

Jer’Jo peered inside, wearing blue robes that blurred into his blue skin. He smiled and I gestured for him to continue. I turned in bed in my own blue and white pajamas to smile as he sat in a chair.

 “I’m sorry, Rey,” he murmured. “That’s a lot of pressure to put on you. But… I want you to be safe.”

 “It’s okay, I get it. I want to be, but B—Kylo Ren… he’s stalking me.”

The Chiss smiled sadly. “I know. Leia told me.” He shifted in his chair and swallowed hard. “I do want you to be safe and happy. If you think that’s unobtainable here, I will gladly donate credits and food to your cause. As long as you can flee from him.”

A weird interest came over me. I stared at Jer’Jo and pulled back my sheets, squirming towards the wall. His bright red eyes flickered up to mine and I could feel his curiosity in the Force. I was curious, too. I’d only ever slept with Ben… but I wanted to experience more.

 “…Want to come closer?” I asked awkwardly.

He blinked and nodded, rising from his chair to slip into my bed beside me. I touched his upper arm and was surprised at the cool temperature—like I’d expected him to match me. Jer’Jo was likewise startled by me and frowned when his long, blue fingers curled over my bicep. Different.

I laughed and squeezed his hard muscles. “You feel like an ice cube.”

 “And you feel like a piece of meat.” Jer’Jo smiled and cocked his head. “Interesting. Would you like to come to my chambers and explore further?”

The Force tried to drag me away, but I nodded. Jer’Jo gently escorted me from my bed and into the hall where two guards were waiting. He waved them off and they stood stone still by my door as we wandered down the quiet hall to another door, where no one was waiting for us. My pulse pounded as he opened the lock and brought me inside.

The room sparkled with various crystals along an enormous bed. Jer’Jo turned to observe my bewildered expression and he laughed under his breath as I turned in awe.

 “Wow,” I mumbled. “Cool.”

He brushed a cool hand across my cheek. “Rey. If this isn’t what you want…”

It was. I hoped Ben found his path, but I was finding mine. I leaned on my tiptoes to kiss his cool, smooth lips, and Jer’Jo eagerly reciprocated. His long arms wrapped around my waist and I accepted his tongue into my mouth, moaning eagerly from the contact. Jer’Jo smiled into our kiss and turned us towards his bed. His spindly fingers brushed up and down my ribs.

 “Are you sure?” he whispered. “Be absolutely sure.”

I nodded, licking my lips. “I’m positive.”

 “Good.”

The Chiss moved closer to me and I sagged into his bed. His whole body was stiff but I could feel particular pressure between his legs. Jer’Jo slipped off his robe and I could see all of him like I’d never seen Ben; icy blue skin riddled with muscle and desire. I glanced between his legs and flushed pink at the sight of his blue manhood. Eek. Weird.

Jer’Jo crept on top of me, frowning. “Something wrong?”

 “Uh… No!” I shook my head. “Nope. Just… surprised.”

He laughed and kissed my forehead. “Same for me. You’re so… pale. And pink. And warm.”

 “I’m sorry!”

 “Don’t apologize.” Jer’Jo’s red eyes traced across my breasts. “I love it. May I?”

I nodded and he leaned back to pull my shirt off. The panties came next and I was utterly exposed to my Padawan. The Chiss beamed and drew away from me to go to his bar where there were all different liquors. I sighed in relief and rubbed a hand down my face.

 “Alcohol may help,” Jer’Jo said.

 “Definitely. Hit me.”

He grinned and handed me a glass of wine. “Just a little. Don’t worry, Rey. It’ll feel nice.”

I chugged the glass of wine and dropped it on the nightstand, leaning back to let Jer’Jo take me. He growled appreciatively and his red eyes flickered with hunger as he positioned himself over me. He opened a drawer and I heard a crinkle of plastic. My breath caught in my throat and I squeezed my eyes shut when I feel him pressing against my slit.

Jer’Jo grunted as he pushed inside me, stretching my flesh like Ben had. But he was cool and soothing and I just moaned from the pressure and met his thrusts.

 “You’re so… warm,” Jer’Jo whispered into my ear. “I love it.”

He felt so sweet and cool inside me. I whimpered into his black hair while he growled and conquered inch by inch. I kissed up his jaw to his mouth and slipped my tongue inside, hungry, desperate to forget Ben. But I couldn’t. My thoughts kept twisting back to my Dark counterpart until I thought I could feel him, all the way across the galaxy, like a flash of anger.

Sleeping with Jer’Jo didn’t make me feel any better. If anything, I felt worse. He was gentle and patient and generous but I still stared at the wall when we were done while he drew his long fingers across my back. He nuzzled his nose into my hair and took a deep breath.

 “Stay with me,” he murmured. “…Please.”

Why did they want something from me that I couldn’t give? I wanted a safe home and a family but I refused to be a caged bird. I didn’t belong in Csaplar with Jer’Jo, or in the First Order with Kylo Ren, or with the Jedi on Spintir. I belonged with Ben Solo—wherever that may be, and whenever it may happen.

Tears welled up in my eyes and I swallowed hard.

 “I can’t. I’m sorry.”

Jer’Jo sighed and curled one muscular arm around my ribs. “I understand. Stay for the night, then. Rest.”

That I could do. I fell asleep beside him, into another fitful set of dreams and whispers…

  _“…I’ll kill him.”_

_Kylo is standing outside a house and people are screaming inside. I can feel pain and fear and death in the Force like a set of blades. Another Knight is beside him, wiping blood off his sword. He regards Kylo curiously and nods towards the house._

_“We just did,” he says, like it should be funny._

_“No.” Kylo’s grip tightens on his lightsaber. He’s trembling. “The Chiss Padawan. Jer’Jo Sabosen.”_

_The Knight and Kylo begin to walk away from the house towards their black ship._

_“Another Padawan? Wasn’t the Mirialan enough?” The Knight laughs. “Guess we’re going to Csilla, then?”_

_Kylo nods stiffly. “Galen had a swift death. Jer’Jo will not.”_

I flew up in bed, clutching my head, eyes wide. Galen. Oh god, no.

Jer’Jo was nowhere to be seen. I threw on my pajamas and robe and ran into two Chiss guards outside the door. They staunchly refused to let me leave the room and tried to block my exit.

 “It’s too dangerous, Lady Rey,” one said. “Master Jer’Jo requested—”

Yeah, right. A simple wave of my hand sent them flying and I rushed back to my chambers to call my saberstaff to me. There wasn’t enough time to get dressed and I had extra robes on my ship, anyway. I stuffed my feet into my boots and took off.

Chiss murmured nervously to each other as I ran through the vast maze of halls to the entrance where Jer’Jo first brought me down. I stepped on the platform and hit the switch to be raised to the cold surface of Csilla and drew up my hood to afford me some protection from the cold. The temperature dropped rapidly as I ascended until I was stepping onto the barren icy surface of the planet.

There was a massive black ship that dwarfed _Dawn_ and two figures dressed in black. Jer’Jo was standing before them without a weapon, since he’d never been promoted and made a lightsaber, and he had no one else with him. I could feel Kylo Ren calling me and I started towards them, breaking into a run.

Kylo’s head snapped towards me. He clenched his gloved hand into a fist but didn’t budge until I had come to stop beside Jer’Jo. The Knight beside him shifted on his feet when I unsheathed my saberstaff into twin purple weapons. Kylo’s red lightsaber was already spitting like an angry cat.

 “Did you kill Galen?!” I demanded, already teary-eyed.

His mask gave nothing away beside a cold, evil voice. “Yes, I did.”

Horrified, I shook my head and took a step back. No. No. Why would he do such a thing? Galen was harmless—he was a sweet kid. What was wrong with him?

 Jer’Jo touched my arm and smiled tightly.

 “We’ve reached an arrangement,” he said. “I will be taken as a hostage in exchange for the safety of my people.” He reached up to brush my cheek with the back of his knuckles. “And you.”

 “No—Jer’Jo!”

The Knight beside Kylo grabbed the Chiss roughly by the arm and dragged him towards the ship. I tried to follow but Kylo stepped in my path, brandishing his lightsaber. We were left alone on the howling, freezing surface of Csilla. I shivered and tightened my grasp on my sabers.

He sighed, voice twisted inside his helmet. “You become more beautiful by the day. I remember when I plucked you from Jakku; all spindly limbs, covered in cuts and bruises. But I healed you.”

 “It’s me you want!” I spat. “Let him go!”

Kylo tilted his head. “True, but that’s not an even exchange.” He took a step closer and I raised my sabers threateningly. “How did it feel when the Chiss fucked you? Did you enjoy it?”

 “Shut up!”

 “Trying to forget me—but you can’t.”

I wanted to slash my sabers through his throat. “I don’t know who you are anymore!”

Kylo stepped closer, looming over me, invading my space. He knew what it did to me. I was still much shorter than him and my arms trembled but didn’t waver.

 “You know who I am,” he crooned. “You’ve always known. It’s okay, my love. Embrace it.” He laughed in a distorted, eerie way. “I certainly will while I torture your Padawan.” Another step. I swallowed a lump in my throat, sabers inches from his throat. “And when he begs me for death as I bring him to the brink again and again… I’ll enjoy that.”

 “You’re a beast!” I snarled. The darkness called me. _Kill him._

The wind howled around us and ruffled Kylo’s cape. He sheathed his lightsaber and drew away from me, taking calm backwards steps towards the ship.

 “When I capture you, drag you on my ship kicking and screaming—I’ll enjoy that, too.”

I screamed and charged, but Kylo was expecting it. He slammed me down with a wave of his hand and threw me into a bank of snow. Spluttering, I called back my sabers and clawed out of the snow, expecting to see him standing there and waiting to fight me.

But he was gone. No ship, no Kylo, and no Jer’Jo.

I stood in the shrieking storm for a moment before dropping to my knees, sobbing.


	24. I am the master of my fate,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FORCE SUHPRESSION  
> this is close to done

There was no time to mope and feel bad for myself. Every second I wasted was another second of torture for Jer’Jo.

I staggered back to _Dawn_ , shivering in the cold and fighting the driving snow, and managed to get on board. My body ached from Kylo hurling me into the snow bank and I was dripping wet. I quickly stripped out of my pajamas and pulled on a clean set of black robes, then ran to the cockpit to figure out where I needed to go next.

Trembling, I pushed back my damp hair from my forehead and began liftoff procedures from Csilla. My heart was racing from the encounter; I was terrified that Kylo would kill Jer’Jo before I could get to him. I needed help—but who did I run to? Should I go to Leia? Or Spintir? What if there was a Knight there?

I pulled into Csilla’s stormy atmosphere and scowled, clenching my jaw. Even more reason to go. I couldn’t let them hold Padawans captive and terrorize everyone who ever knew me. No. I wasn’t going to keep running away. It was an insult to Galen and Jer’Jo and Jira. And if there were innocent people being tormented… I wasn’t going to turn my back on them.

Kylo wouldn’t head straight for Spintir, anyway. He’d bring Jer’Jo back to the mothership—the _Supremacy_ —before doing anything else. He was furious. He wouldn’t wait to start…

I swallowed hard and shuddered. I couldn’t bear to think of it.

The flight was long, but I couldn’t relax enough to take a nap. I used the sonic shower and paced the halls of the small freighter, chewing me nails. What was I heading in to? Would there be a fight? Hopefully Kylo hadn’t hurt any of the Padawans or any of my friends. Jira would be the prime target and she wasn’t the type to give in.

There was no way to save Ben without risking killing him. The Stranger had hooked into him; I could feel it weeping into his very essence like a parasite. The only possible way to help was burning it away—but that would put Ben’s life in danger. Then again, my only other option was to actually kill him. I couldn’t let Kylo Ren reign terror across the galaxy.

Spintir came into view and my heart skipped a beat. My first real home. I couldn’t believe it had been an entire year since I last saw it. The lush green valleys and mountains were visible even from space, and I could see the wide rivers that twisted like snakes across its surface. I could remember learning how to swim in those rivers, clinging to Ben while Jira tried to pry me off him.

I hurriedly drew my hair into three buns and took a deep breath. Hopefully things hadn’t changed too much. I just wanted everyone to be safe.

 _Dawn_ touched down near the Knight huts, pressing a crater into the long grass. I called my saberstaff and straightened up, hesitating near the mouth of the cockpit. Luke was probably still here, so nothing that bad could’ve happened. Right?

An eerie stillness hung in the air when I stepped onto Spintir’s surface. I squinted at the sky and felt around with the Force for any life forms within the Knight huts but felt nothing in response. Unnerved, I closed the stairs to _Dawn_ and set off towards the Temple. There were pinpricks of life; weak signals from fellow Force-sensitives. But I couldn’t feel Luke Skywalker’s normally glaring presence.

My spine prickled. Luke definitely wasn’t on the planet. I couldn’t feel him in the Force at all. I could vaguely sense Kylo at a great distance but our strange bond was as mysterious as ever.

As I came closer to the Temple, three signatures in the Force drew closer. I touched the hilt of my saber and dread sank into my stomach at the sight of two tall figures cloaked in black with a white-robed Twi’lek between them. It was obviously Jira—and her hands were bound behind her back.

I practically snarled and willed my saberstaff to my hand to split it in two with a fierce crackle. The Knights of Ren didn’t have lightsabers, just more rudimentary weapons like swords and hammers. I could take both of them. I’d done nothing but train for the past year and my strength in the Force grew day by day. I’d make them _pay_.

The darkness hissed in me as I came to stop a few feet away from the two Knights. One was a woman, judging by her build, and the other was a man. Both had swords.

The man shoved Jira to the ground and she fell on her knees, bowing her head. Her robes were smattered with blood and dirt, torn in a few places, and I saw an odd black collar around her neck. She wouldn’t even look up at me. Her lightsaber was nowhere to be seen.

 “Kylo told us you’d come,” said the female. Her voice was low and gravelly.

I joined my saber into a staff and crouched down to touch Jira’s chin. Her green eyes were vacant and sad and looked right through me. Rage bubbled under my skin.

 “What did you do to her?” I demanded, straightening up again.

 “Nothing much.” The man laughed and patted the top of Jira’s head and she shuddered. “General Hux commissioned the collars—they suppress Force sensitivity. Very useful little device… Though, apparently they are rather _painful_.”

That… That wasn’t possible. The Force flowed through everything. How could someone be forcibly cut off from it? I stared down at Jira and shook my head, revolted by the thought. Being detached from the Force after growing up feeling it your entire life… It had to be agonizing. Physically, maybe, but emotionally? It would be like having a limb cut off.

I gritted my teeth. “Where is Luke Skywalker?”

The woman shrugged and pushed her boot into Jira’s back. “We haven’t the faintest idea. He vanished after Kylo returned to the First Order and left this wench in charge. But she was no match for our Supreme Leader. Now she and all the little Padawans are our hostages.”

 “Let them go!” I snapped.

The man drew his sword and the blade hummed with electricity. “I have a better idea. We take you captive for the Supreme Leader.”

The other Knight drew her sword, too, and I split my saber again. Jira wasn’t moving any time soon and I had no idea how to get the collar off her. I took a few steps back and let the Force flow through my limbs as the Knights approached. It would tell me what to do.

The woman struck first, lashing out right for my throat. I swept under her arm and met the other Knight with one of my sabers, then twirled in a circle and drew it right up his spine in a snarl of blood and purple light. He didn’t have time to howl in pain; just instantly collapsed and vanished from the Force. It was so easy. They were so _weak._

I turned on the female Knight and smiled at her. Maybe I’d toy with her for a bit. Cut off a foot… let her bleed out on the ground… suffer for what she did…

No. I’d end it quickly. Merciful.

She was angry—it tripped up her movements. I gracefully leaned back to avoid another swipe for my neck and spun away to readjust my grip on my sabers. The Knight came right back, screaming in her helmet, and I joined my staff again to dodge her strike just like Luke taught me. It was so simple fighting them. They were all brute force and rage. All I had to do was let the Force guide me.

I turned back and the flickering plasma blade plunged through her armor as she raised her sword to strike me again. It snapped and spat sparks as I drew it free and stepped aside to let gravity bring her down to the ground. The Force wavered as another life passed through it.

There had to be more reinforcements. I rushed back to Jira and sheathed my saber back to my hip, fretting over the bizarre collar around her throat. She didn’t respond.

 “Ah—ouch!” I hissed. Grazing the thing with my fingertips burned like crazy. I could feel the Force diverge around the device like it couldn’t bear to be near it.

We needed a non-Force sensitive. I pulled Jira to her feet and tried to run towards the Temple, but she lagged behind and sort of shuffled while she walked. I had to hurry. When Kylo found out I’d killed two of his Knights, he’d descend on Spintir quickly. I couldn’t put the Padawans at risk so I needed help loading them onto _Dawn_ and the resident freighter, _Opus_.

The Temple was quiet but I could feel the presence of the Padawans and three Knights. Jira sank to the floor outside the Padawan chambers while I shattered the lock with the Force and charged inside, expecting to see a bunch of Stormtroopers or another Knight.

All of them were huddled in a circle with the same collars on. It made me feel sick. They were being treated like dogs, all thirty of them. None of them looked up at me.

I rushed through the main chamber to a side room and found the kitchen staff chained to the wall. None of them were Force-sensitive—perfect. They all thanked me and cried when I let them free with a wave of my hand and I brought them back to the main chamber to free everyone from the collars.

First I pulled Jira inside and crouched beside her while a cook disengaged the collar. They began collecting them in a bucket and chucked hers in as the light flickered back in her green eyes. She blinked, like she’d been asleep, and stared at me.

 “…Rey?” she whispered.

I nodded and laughed, holding back tears. Jira practically jumped on me and we hugged each other for a long few minutes. Soon I could feel small motions in the Force as the Padawans were freed and we all gathered water and food for everyone as the collars were tossed away. Oola and Senni were still okay, too—skinny and malnourished, but alive. Thank the Force.

Aayla crouched next to Jira while we talked in a circle. Everyone was eating and elated to be free.

 “The Knights are dead,” I said, biting into an apple. “I’m going to find all of them.”

Jira touched my arm. “Where have you been? How are you?”

I didn’t want to stress them out. I shrugged and said I’d been to Naboo and saw Jer’Jo briefly but didn’t tell them that Kylo Ren was holding him captive. The Force suppression collars made me sick and angry and I would find every single one and have them destroyed. And I’d punish General Hux for having them made in the first place, and I’d punish Kylo Ren for allowing them to be used.

Jira told me Luke had gone into hiding out of fear there would be another Order 66. They’d been preparing to relocate the Padawans when Kylo descended with the Knights. Luke destroyed his ship upon arriving at Ahch-To, a planet quite literally in the middle of nowhere, and Jira never got the chance to contact him. He was stuck until we figured out how to find him again.

Everyone wanted me to stay but I left soon after. Now I wanted to find Kylo Ren and tell him I would destroy his Knights and his First Order, and then I’d destroy him. I left the Temple in a set of off-white robes like Jira’s and stood on the hillside to gaze across the river where Ben and I spent so many hot afternoons. It rolled quietly and I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath.

I’d get Ben back—and I’d kill Kylo Ren.


	25. I am the captain of my soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is short...

The Knights weren’t hard to find. They were brutes who strung along death wherever they went, and there were only four more I had to destroy. I knew it would flush Kylo Ren out if I took away his most loyal supporters, so I began systematically hunting them down. As each of them was extinguished from the Force, my connection to the Light steadily grew stronger and my own powers waxed.

They were on the heavily populated planets, like Naboo, and gravitated towards me whenever I landed on their chosen planet. Each of them was hardly a challenge and I had a creeping suspicion that Kylo and I were vastly more powerful than any other Force-sensitives—at least, in our galaxy. I could feel him like a burning sun, radiant and overwhelming, even across the lightyears of distance.

A month passed before I found the last Knight hiding from me on Takodana. Maz Kanata had tipped off Leia and she in turn told me, though Maz was off wreaking havoc elsewhere in the galaxy when I arrived on _Dawn_. I landed near her castle on the banks of an enormous lake and called my saberstaff.

My fear of facing Kylo Ren had disappeared the day I found my friends suffering on Spintir. Now I was full of righteous fury and I knew it was my responsibility to bring him to heel. He’d be waiting for me.

The forest was full of chattering wildlife and thick, sky-high trees. I stuck out like a sore thumb in my white robes but everyone of concern was inside the castle. The Force flickered with a pulse of the Knight and I narrowed my eyes, tracking it into the overgrown woods and away from Maz’s castle. Kylo’s presence wasn’t on the planet as far as I could tell, but he could’ve been blocking me out.

I ignited my staff and split it in two. I didn’t care if I drew attention to myself. I was powerful and independent and I didn’t need anyone to protect me from who I was. Leaves crunched underfoot and bugs skittered past as I traced the Knight’s presence in the Force deeper and deeper into the jungle.

The thick canopy of trees and vines gave way to a small clearing with a stream trickling past on the other side. I turned in a circle and let the Force flow through me and use me instead of twisting it to my own will. It made me aware of any potential danger long before it could find me and gave me the ability and strength to defeat my enemies. Kylo Ren’s mistake was trying to coerce a cosmic, wild essence into doing what he wanted. It never would.

A flash. I spun right to see the final Knight emerging from the forest with his electrified war hammer. His masked head tilted when I smiled and twirled my purple lightsabers.

 “Here to kill me, Jedi?” he queried.

 “Yes, unfortunately.” I started towards him, whirling my sabers in my grasp. “It won’t hurt for long.”

 “Well done, Owen. That’s enough.”

My heart skipped a beat. I turned towards a dark depression in the Force to find Kylo Ren emerging from the underbrush with his red lightsaber ignited, snarling and snapping. Owen drew away as I faced the more dangerous threat, straightening up and tightening my sweaty grasp on my sabers. His mask was on—not that it mattered. Until I purged the Stranger, Ben was a prisoner in his own body.

I stood tall. “Kylo Ren. We meet again.”

He swung his lightsaber through the air, making it shimmer and ripple. Always a show-off.

 “What will it be, Rey?” he asked, voice distorted and mocking. “Would you prefer to be dragged onto the ship, or come quietly? I have a collar waiting for you.”

 “Release Jer’Jo!”

 “Kicking and screaming, then. Good.”

Kylo started towards me. I met him halfway and our sabers locked in a spit of sparks and buzzing electricity. He was bigger and stronger but I had speed and evasion on my side. I locked my ankle, blades crossed to keep Kylo from slicing through my head, and gritted my teeth as I looked for a way to slip past him. The Force drew me down to the left and I twisted back to slash blindly at my enemy.

He parried and our blades locked with a low hiss, then he used his weight to force me to raise my arms up and offset my balance. The sabers wailed like they were in pain as Kylo knocked me to the ground and sent both of mine flying off into the forest. I called them right back and joined my saber into a staff as I leapt back to my feet and blocked Kylo from sweeping me off my feet again.

The longer we fought, the more I realized we were a completely even match. Kylo was bigger and more hard-hitting while I was quicker and relied on light, rapid strikes. He was wearing black, I was wearing white… Poetic, really, if he wasn’t trying to kill me.

We backed up towards the forest and I tripped over a root, sprawling back and expecting to fall on my behind. But someone caught me mid-fall and before I could blink, I felt something lock around my neck.

I felt an instant, agonizing disconnection from the world around me. My eyes rolled back and I sagged into the arms of whoever was behind me. I couldn’t feel anything; not Kylo, not Owen, not the steady thrum of the Force itself. I was blinded. No, worse—they had crippled me in the worst way possible, like cutting off my soul from my body.

But I had a strong connection to the Force and I could still feel it humming in the distance, struggling to reach me, even if I was stunned.

Kylo sheathed his lightsaber and ripped mine from me with a wave that hooked it to his belt. The person holding me—who I assumed was Owen—offered me to Kylo like a doll. I glowered up at the emotionless black mask, panting, and ripped free of Owen’s hands.

My knees gave out and I fell hard right in front of Kylo into the cold mud. He tried to drag me to my feet with the Force and I clenched my jaw and fought back, beading sweat, refusing to let him control me. He laughed in his vocoder and crouched in front of me with his head cocked.

 “Don’t you want to visit Jer’Jo? He’s been sobbing incessantly for the past few days. Or… would you prefer to abandon him?”

 “…Go to hell,” I hissed, struggling to speak.

Kylo didn’t respond. He threaded his gloved fingers through my hair to yank me to my feet and led me through the forest with Owen following close behind. I balked when we arrived at his transporter and dropped to my knees again, flailing my legs to keep him from grabbing me. The Force prickled through my limbs to paralyze me and he scooped me up bridal style to carry me on board.

I stayed silent in his arms on the way back to the _Supremacy_. There was nothing to be said. I was confident in my power to overwhelm him and save Ben and Jer’Jo. I just needed to get the collar off. It was a bit of a hiccup but I’d find a way to do what the Force commanded.

We landed on the mothership and Kylo rose with me still draped in his arms. He descended, uninterested in what other captains and officers had to say, and we walked through the cold black and silver ship. I couldn’t even call my saberstaff with the Force because I was so severely weakened, but I held enough of a connection to keep from zombifying like the others. But I wanted Kylo to assume I was just as weak as they were so he would underestimate me.

Snoke’s oppressive presence was long gone. I was happy for that but upset that I could still feel the sickness in B—Kylo. I had to burn it out to bring Ben back, but at what cost? Would he die?

 “Supreme Leader!”

We stopped outside a door and Kylo set me on my feet. I watched a red-headed guy about Kylo’s age in black walk up to us with his hands clasped behind his back. He eyed me and nodded to Kylo.

 “General Hux,” Kylo said. “What do you need?”

 “This is the girl?” Hux eyed me with thinly veiled distaste. “She seems a waste.”

I took a sharp step in Hux’s face. “Do I, weasel?”

But Kylo was a step ahead of me. He flung Hux into the opposite wall with a small bend of his fingers and I flinched when the general collided with steel. We headed into the room without another word as other officers descended to help their general back to his feet.

The room was wide and palatial, with a dining room off to the right near a small kitchen and a living room with off-putting stiff furniture. We walked through his quarters towards the room to the left. It was his bedroom, complete with a big bed with black sheets. Always with the black.

Kylo removed his helmet and set it in a sunken shelf. He was still deathly pale and sad, and his black hair hung in stringy ringlets around his face.

 “Ben,” I said firmly, “it doesn’t have to be this way.”

 “No?” He closed the door behind us. “Then why won’t you submit and rule the galaxy alongside me?”

 “…It’s not right. This isn’t who you are.”

The room was unsettling and creepy. Kylo stalked past me and began removing his cape and robes, and I knew we would be there for a while. I glared evenly at him as he stripped and tried to hide my fear. I’d get the collar off, somehow.

 “I was born to rule.” Kylo threw his things into a wall unit, leaving him in a thin black shirt and pants. “It’s what I’m meant to do—and how I can protect you from predators like Jer’Jo.”

 “You had sex with me when I was sixteen!”

He sat on the edge of the bed and I noticed black robes that blended into the sheets. Mine were all muddy now but I wasn’t going to wear anything he gave me. I’d rather be dirty.

 “I know.” Kylo smiled, closing his eyes. “It was divine.”

The thing around my neck was tight and uncomfortable. Kylo made a small motion with his fingers and I was pulled across the room to stand between his knees. He grasped my hips, trembling slightly, and pressed his head against my stomach. I kept my hands clenched at my sides. If he tried anything I’d break his face without a second thought.

I scowled down at him. “Release Jer’Jo, or you’ll never have me.”

 “I’ll have you if I want you.” He slipped his thumbs under my robe to touch my stomach. “You’re mine. You’ve been mine since I felt you in the Force.”

 “I don’t belong to you. I never have and I never will.”

Kylo promptly pulled my pants down and made short work of my dirty robes. He held me by the hips and kissed my stomach while I resisted the creeping heat of the Force paralyzing me to the spot. I stood there almost entirely naked and fought to break free of my invisible bonds.

 “You’re going to force me, then?” I snapped. “That’s how low you’ve sunk?”

 “I know you want me.” Kylo rose and took off his shirt, baring his pale, broad chest. “I don’t need to force you.”

 “Then stop paralyzing me and see what happens.”

He paused, eyeing me, then huffed irately. “…Fine. I’ll release the Chiss.”

Good—Ben was still in there somewhere. I growled when Kylo leaned into kiss me.

 “Now,” I said. “And I want to go see him. Then we’ll revisit this.”

It annoyed him even more, but he pushed the black robes in my arms and brushed past me to get dressed again. I let out a heavy breath as the Force ebbed from my limbs and quickly put on the robes while Kylo garbed up in black behind me. He didn’t put on the helmet, though, and touched the small of my back with a gloved hand to lead me out into the hallway again.

I snuck a peek up at Kylo as we walked and smiled to myself. Ben was still alive.


	26. Kylo Ren

We descended to the belly of the ship. Kylo kept his fingers on the small of my back along the way and ignored everyone who greeted him. He was being really rude but I was used to that by now. I swallowed hard and tried to think about Jer’Jo. I’d still be captive but at least he’d be free and he could go home to his people. It was my fault for ever involving him.

I cleared my throat when Kylo and I were on an elevator, illuminated by black and white. He kept his hands clasped behind his back and didn’t look at me.

 “This isn’t who you are, Ben,” I said. I swallowed, pushing the collar. “Come back to Spintir.”

 “You keep saying that—but you know this is _exactly_ who I am.”

Ugh. I shot him a dirty look and Kylo smiled back. Yeah, I did know who he was, from the moment we met on Jakku up until he snatched me after my sixteenth birthday and dragged me to Christophsis. Ben was lonely and damaged and overwhelmed and this was how he was dealing with it. Why didn’t he understand that all he needed was _me_?

We walked out on a platform along the bottom hall. Stormtroopers jerked out of the way as we walked into the prisoner bay and Kylo opened the door with the Force. The bay was surprisingly quiet. We walked past rows of electrified bars to one at the very end and my heart skipped a beat.

Jer’Jo had a collar on, too, and he was lying in a ball on the floor. There was angry red marks on his skin and his red eyes lazily opened when he heard Kylo’s boots. I dropped to my knees and crawled over to grasp the bars and Kylo dragged me back so I didn’t electrocute myself.

 “Jer’Jo,” I whispered, “are you okay?”

He shrugged, laughing. “More or less.” Then his red eyes roamed up to Kylo’s face. “This wasn’t part of our deal, Ren.”

 “No, it wasn’t.” Kylo opened the door and held me back when I tried to rush inside. “Rey has traded your freedom for hers. You’re free to return to your homeworld. I’ve had my fill of torturing you, anyway.”

The Chiss hissed. “Let her go!”

I scurried into the cell to help him sit up, grasping his blue cheeks. “Jer’Jo—he killed Galen. You need to go home and let me handle this. I won’t lose you, too.”

Kylo didn’t give us much more chance to talk. Stormtroopers dragged Jer’Jo out of the cell and away from me and I stood there and watched them go. I clenched my fists, shuddering with anger. He was destroying my life and he didn’t care. I had to get the goddamn collar off.

Fingertips brushed my back. “I’ve done what you asked. What will you give me?”

It wasn’t hard to glean what Kylo wanted from me. I stared into the empty cell and hung my head.

 “…Fine,” I said, “I’ll give you what you want.”

We left the prison bay and went back up to Kylo’s quarters. He led me into his bedroom and wasted no time in kissing my neck, running his huge hands down my hips and tugging me closer. Somehow he was taller than ever and I was shorter than ever. I grabbed his upper arms swaddled in black bindings and swallowed hard, closing my eyes. Think, Rey—how can you get Ben back?

He began peeling off my dirty clothes, edging me towards the bed. “I’ve dreamed of doing this again for so long. I can’t wait to feel you.”

Kylo ripped off my white undershirt and tossed it away, leaving my chest totally exposed. I reddened when he knelt and pulled my nipple in his mouth without another word and he began yanking my pants down, too. He groaned and pushed me on the bed through the black sheets and I squirmed underneath him. No point in resisting. I’d just close my eyes and it would be over.

He leaned back on his calves to unbuckle the belt around his waist. “We can rule together, Rey. I won’t hurt you.”

 “You _are_ hurting me,” I hissed. “You killed Galen and tortured Jer’Jo.”

Kylo threw the belt and shrugged out of his vest. “Did you prefer fucking Jer’Jo, then?” He tugged off his undershirt and I could see his pale, bare chest framed by the arm guards crisscrossing behind his neck.

 “You put collars on children! You… You did it to Jira!”

 “I had to, little one. She was an impedance to the future.”’

I bristled. “What future?! The one where you think I’ll suddenly obey you?!” I grabbed Kylo’s jaw, furious. “I’m not your property, Ben!” Tears welled in my eyes and I squeezed. “I don’t belong to you. I’m your equal. Why won’t you recognize that?”

He pushed through and kissed me hard on the mouth, slipping his tongue inside. I started crying but didn’t resist, too upset to consider it. I was an adult now and I’d spent the past two years on my own, scrounging to survive, and Ben swept in and ruined everything all over again.

Then Kylo jerked back and scowled. “I can’t do this if you’re crying, Rey.”

The sickness was digging in deeper. I knew it was a big part of my Ben at that point, but I didn’t realize he sick he was. I blinked in surprise, then, realizing I could sense the sickness; the Stranger, but I could hardly feel the Force. They really were separate entities.

My thoughts wandered and I suddenly realized something even more important. If the Force connection Ben had was separate—maybe a collar would suppress his bond long enough for me to burn away the sick poison Snoke had infected him with. I blinked up at Kylo stupidly and he groaned.

 “Fine!” he snapped.

He rose from the bed in one stiff motion and left the bedroom.

I stared at the ceiling for a few minutes before I sat up and looked at the empty doorway. Okay, Ben was in there somewhere. If he wasn’t, I’d be screaming and sobbing under Kylo Ren. I wiped my eyes and slipped out of the bed, putting on the black robes he left, and wandered out to the living area.

Kylo was sitting on the couch with his arm guards off, now bare from the waist up. He didn’t react when I sat beside him and continued staring at the wall across from us.

I twiddled my thumbs. “…Do you remember the day we met?”

 “Of course I do.” He crossed his arms, clenching his jaw. “I’d been sensing you for months. Looking into your eyes was like finally waking up from a nightmare.”

 “It was the same for me. I thought I’d live and die on Jakku, but… then you found me.” I peered at him and smiled. “You helped me shower, brushed my teeth, carried me everywhere… I’d never been cared for like that before. If you hadn’t found me, I’d be a much different person.”

Kylo shrugged. “I suppose. Perhaps you’d be happier.”

 “Maybe. Maybe not.”

We sat there in silence for a while. I didn’t recognize the man beside me, but I knew Ben was still in there. I hesitantly offered him my hand and he took it, squeezing gently. I needed to see if I could get a collar on him. I needed a non-Force-sensitive.

But Kylo needed to be out of my way for that to happen. I gazed at him, thinking, then leaned over to kiss his pale cheek. It was kind of gross, but I knew how to tire him out.

He turned into my kiss and grasped my jaw to deepen it. My heart pattered nervously and I grasped the hem of his pants, trying to get it over with, and Kylo lifted me off the couch. He carried me into the bedroom and dropped me on his black sheets and watched me squirm up to the pillows.

 “Good girl,” Kylo murmured.

The bed shifted as he crept into it and on top of me between my thighs. I swallowed hard and worked his pants open while he left long kisses on my neck and whispered in my ear. It was Ben. Just like the last time we had sex, it was Ben, and I loved him, and I’d enjoy it.

Kylo stripped off his pants and helped me out of my robes, dark eyes lit up with excitement. Thankfully the room was cool and dark and I didn’t have to worry about anyone walking in on us. I thought of our first encounter in his hut at the Academy, when he cooed in my ear and rocked between my legs. It felt like an eternity had passed since then. This wasn’t the same Ben. He’d grown and become suffused in darkness and he would never again be the carefree teenager I met on Jakku.

Kylo kissed down my neck to my breasts. “I love you, Rey.” He gently rolled my nipple through his lips and raised his eyebrows at my gaze. “Let me show you.”

I stared into his dark eyes and wanted to cry. He killed Galen and tortured Jer’Jo for weeks. How could he possibly be capable of loving anyone?

His lips drifted back to my neck as he strained closer and gently rocked between my legs. I dug my nails into his shoulder blades to urge to closer and Kylo sank inside me with a low groan. It made my toes curl with mixed pleasure and pain as he pushed deeper and buried his face in the pillows beside my ear. I panted and grasped his hips and squirmed to adjust to him. He was hot and hungry.

 “What was it like with Jer’Jo?” Kylo panted, thrusting deep. “Tell me.”

 “Um… Different.”

 “No, no—I know how Chiss feel. Tell me.”

Ugh. I reddened and shrugged as Kylo settled into rhythmic thrusts and kissed along my shoulder. My body began responding, tingling with anticipation as he rocked inside me.

 “Cold?” I mumbled.

Kylo laughed and kissed the side of my head. “Yes, they have a lower body temperature. Did you enjoy it? Did you finish?”

 “…Yes.”

 “Which do you prefer—me, or Jer’Jo?”

I dug my nails into Kylo’s hip and scowled. “You, obviously.”

 “Good girl.”

He kept going and I didn’t stop him. I pulled his black hair and gripped his hips and Kylo grunted and pounded into me until my thighs ached. No, he wasn’t like Ben. I nuzzled into the pillows when he turned me on my stomach and flinched with each hard, aggressive intrusion. This wasn’t Ben, but I’d let him doze off and I’d fix whatever was wrong with him.

Kylo was clearly pent-up and sex didn’t last long. I dragged my nails across his back as he choked in surprise and thrusted faster, swelling and spilling inside me. He rested his weight on me and groaned, then began slowly rocking inside me again. I closed my eyes and tried not to cry.

 “I love you,” Kylo whispred. “I love you, Rey.”

The event ended an hour later. Kylo rolled off me and pulled me into his arms and dozed off while I stared at his peaceful expression. Was there redemption for him?

I blinked and slipped away to use the ‘fresher before dressing in my black robes. Kylo was still dead asleep on the bed as I peered into the empty hallway outside. A non-Force-sensitive… And they had to dislike Kylo. I knew who I needed to see.

General Hux.


	27. End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooo this is one of my famous open-ended... endings lmao. thank you for reading!

The ship was surprisingly quiet, considering the amount of staff on board. I slipped out of Kylo’s room in black robes to blend in and felt around with the Force to find General Hux. No one else would be willing to help me subdue a powerful Force-sensitive. They’d be terrified of the repercussions from attacking the Supreme Leader—but Hux wanted to _be_ the Supreme Leader. When I cleared Kylo’s mind and had Ben back, we could overthrow Hux together.

I clacked across the metal grates towards his quarters and some Stormtroopers stopped and watched me. Maybe they could feel me, too, or maybe I looked out of place. The collar was an obvious enough sign that I was a Force-sensitive but I knew my strong presence also influenced ‘lesser’ beings.

The door to General Hux’s quarters slid open and he stepped out in all-black like Kylo, orange hair parted to the side and perfectly manicured. He glanced at me and stiffened.

 “Don’t worry,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I came to ask you for help.”

He scowled. “With what, Empress?”

Oh lord. I sighed and gestured for him to follow me and he did so without an armed guard. It didn’t matter, since I was essentially cut off from the Force. But I could feel pings of energy, like Kylo fast asleep in his bed, satisfied after having sex with me again. Jer’Jo was no longer on the ship.

We walked out to a balcony overlooking construction below. I leaned on the railing, watching sparks fly, but Hux remained behind me with his hands clasped behind his back. He didn’t trust the Force at all, which I completely understood. It was invisible and powerful and had a mind of its own. If I could feel it, I wouldn’t trust it, either.

 “Ben needs to come home with me,” I said flatly. “I need you to help me get a Force suppression collar on his neck to make that happen.”

General Hux was silent for a few minutes. I watched the work below us without speaking and he approached to stand beside me, studying them with his sharp eyes.

 “I am sworn to protect the Supreme Leader,” he said coolly.

 “No one can help an accident.” I straightened, still avoiding his eyes. “If my collar were to suddenly fall off and accidentally attach to Kylo’s neck—that would be a tragic accident.”

Neither of us spoke for some time. Metal grinded below and sparks flew. I was itching to tear the collar off my neck but it burned my fingers when I got too close. Irritated, I scratched in the area and my eyes widened when I heard a small click and felt it fall away.

Hux casually took the collar and stowed it in his robe. “If you would like Ben Solo back, you can have him.”

The Force snapped back to me and I staggered from the strength of it. I could feel all the life in the ship and finally hear again and it was like my eyes were opened. Hux cast me a pitying look when I giggled and smiled at the sensation. He didn’t understand, but that was fine. I needed him.

 “He’s asleep,” I said in a low tone. “We have to strike now. I’ll bring him back home when we’re done and you’ll never see him again.”

 “Fine. Proceed.”

We left the balcony and headed back from where I’d come. No one questioned Hux or me, clearly too afraid to do so, and I kept reaching out to make sure Kylo was still passed out in bed. It was easier than before and I had to keep from thrusting into his mind and rousing him to what had happened. My heart pounded as we drew closer and Hux clenched the collar in his hand.

I hesitated outside the door. “Wait for me to whistle.”

 “…Of course, Empress.”

Hux watched me take a breath and step inside the Supreme Leader’s quarters.

Kylo was lying on his stomach with his arms under the pillow. I approached slowly, tapping his mind to see if he was really asleep, and whistled to let Hux know he could come in the room.

The General edged inside with the collar hung around his fingertips. He glared at Kylo as we both approached the left side of the bed and stood there for a second. This was treason for Hux and a huge affront for me. I didn’t care. I wanted Ben back.

We stared at him together, then I nodded.

 “Do it.”

Kylo abruptly woke up and lashed out, but it was too late. The collar jolted forward and locked around his neck as he arched on his knees in bed and struggled to yank it off. Hux was knocked unconscious a few feet away and I stepped back as Kylo staggered out of bed.

His dark eyes were wide and terrified. “Rey—please! Help me!”

  _Help him. He needs you._

My eyes filled up with tears and I drew from the Light that burned him. “I will. I promise.”

Kylo collapsed to his knees and I pressed my palm to his forehead. Both of us were crying but I knew it was my only chance to purge him of the evil Snoke implanted.

The Light roared and snarled into Kylo, blasting through the remnants of darkness and straight through to the core of evil in his mind. He screamed in pain and grabbed my hips to keep from falling over and burst into tears on my robes. But the Dark couldn’t reach him and it left the sickness wide open for attack. I had to get it out of him. I had to.

Kylo howled in agony as I kept letting the Light loose to sink its fangs into the slimy thing leeching from his mind. I held my quivering lip firm and grasped Kylo with both hands to purge as much Light as possible inside him, hoping it would burn away the cold evil and leave my Ben behind.

Light kept erupting from his eyes and mouth when he screamed. I couldn’t feel the Dark recoiling and I knew I wasn’t fatally injuring him. Kylo sobbed and begged me to stop but I kept going. The door rumbled from Stormtroopers and others trying to get inside, but I ignored them, tears in my eyes. I wanted Ben back. I’d get him back and no one would stop me.

  _‘YOU WITCH!’_ screamed the Stranger. _‘I’LL GET YOU SOMEDAY!’_

 “No, you won’t!” I spat back. “Ben is MINE!”

I pulsed another particularly strong beam of Light through his forehead and the Stranger shrieked and recoiled again. The troops outside seemed intimidated, too, and stopped banging on the door. Tears ran down my cheeks and I apologized as I kept driving forward into Kylo’s mind, cleansing the pain and hurt and the possessive, evil parasite Snoke had infected his mind with.

It was almost gone. I burst into sobs, torn by what I was doing, and drove through the bonds keeping the Stranger locked into Ben’s head. He clung to me and cried, too, and I thought we were both about to the end of our rope. I hated hurting him and he obviously hated the pain.

  _‘JEDI… WITCH! I WILL… GET YOU!’_

The Light hissed like an angry cat and ripped apart the final, thick, slimy root of the Stranger.

All of a sudden, the whispering and rage in Ben evaporated like a veil of mist. He gasped into my stomach like hadn’t taken a breath in years and immediately burst into tears. The Light faded back and I cried, too, sinking to my knees and grasping his cheeks in my hands, desperate to feel him. It was finally gone. It was gone. I could feel Ben’s sad, raw mind reaching for mine.

 “Rey,” he croaked. He kissed me hard on the mouth. “I love you.”

 “I love you, too.” I nuzzled into his neck and drew Hux to us with the Force, manipulating his hand to free Ben from the collar. “Let’s get the hell out of here.”

Ben stumbled to his feet with me and kept kissing me on our way out of his quarters. It was like the Ben I met on Jakku, except he was even lighter—happier. I could remember stretching my arms to him, begging to be held and loved, and imagined I’d do the same for him while he healed.

We broke out into the hallway and stumbled. Ben directed me to his TIE silencer and we hurried to it, trying to ignore the stares of the First Order personnel. I supported him around my shoulders and slipped into the passenger seat as he took the leader and turned on the ship.

And we fled the mothership into space, heading back to Spintir, the only place either of us really knew. Ben was quiet for a bit but burst into tears again and I didn’t want him to be alone. I crept to his back and curled my arms around him and felt his anxiety fade back. He nuzzled into my arm and set the autopilot and when he looked up at me, I saw the same curious dark eyes from Jakku, full of hope and longing and unblemished love.

It was the Ben I fell in love with so many years ago. I was a kid then, but his feelings were powerful and strange and corrupted. I didn’t know how we’d get over it; how we’d resolve his long touches and stares, but I knew we had to, one way or another. I loved him. I had for my whole life.

Neither of us knew what to do. I kissed Ben, still behind his chair, then drew away and sat on the floor beside him. He yanked off his gloves and brushed my hair back from my face and I smiled up at him, but tears still welled up in my eyes.

 “You killed Galen,” I whispered, “and you tortured Jer’Jo. We can’t go back to Spintir, Ben.”

He clenched his jaw and nodded. His eyes were bright with tears, too. “I know. After what I did to Jira and the others…” He pulled me into his lap and cried into my neck. “And what I did to you… I should drop you off and—”

 “No!” I snapped. “You’re not leaving me again!” I ran my fingers through his hair and wrapped my arms around his neck. “We’ll figure it out together. I know it wasn’t you in there.”

 “But it was.” He tightened his grip around me and cried harder. “Sometimes I knew what I was doing and I didn’t stop myself. I don’t know why. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Rey, but I don’t want to hurt you again. I love you—I do—but I can’t hurt you again.”

 “You won’t. I’ll kick your butt if you do.”

Ben was too tired to keep crying. He dozed off with me in his lap and I kissed his hair, trying not to cry myself. Our relationship wasn’t as simple as I wanted it to be, and maybe he was right. I should go back to Spintir. But I loved him and I couldn’t bear to be separated from him anymore. Was that because I’d been groomed from the start, or because there was something real between us?

I curled up against his chest and clung to his shirt. It didn’t matter. We’d figure it all out in time. Ben was here and I wasn’t going anywhere without him.

As I dozed off, dreaming of Spintir, a familiar presence trickled into my mind.

 “ _Ah—Ashla—well done, reuniting with Bogan.”_

_I frown in my dream. It’s a voice I haven’t heard in years._

_“Who are you?” I demand. “Were you hurting Ben?!”_

_“Of course not, Ashla. He was corrupted and you freed him. Now you are both in the proper position for your full awakening.”_

_“What—What do you want from us?”_

_The being sighs. “It is not what I want from you, Ashla, but what the Cosmic Force demands. Balance, no matter the consequences. It is why you were drawn to each other from the beginning, and why you find yourself unable to leave Bogan, even after the atrocities he’s committed. The Balance is all that matters.”_

_“What are you talking about? None of this makes sense!”_

_Gray swirls in my mind and the thing laughs musically, like a bell, but it’s not cruel._

_“Proceed to Corsucant,” the voice says. “There you will meet with Senator Leia Organa. The journey of a lifetime begins with a single step, Ashla. Good luck.”_

I jerked upright in Ben’s lap and he murmured in his sleep and brought me back to his chest. Questions were answered, but questions remained. We were reunited, but unsure, and drawn into something esoteric; something much bigger than us.

I had Ben back, though. And for me, that was enough.


End file.
